When Married Couples Fight About Sex

“What is there to fight about?”

I answered that I assumed people fought because of differing sex drives or needs. He said, “Any sex is better than nothing. Why would a couple fight about that?” He apparently forgot all the times during my pregnancy when I shot him down for various reasons. He was quite bothered by how low my sex-drive went during those 9 months. It was a big change for him. I think fights about sex happen more often than not in a relationship. Here are some reasons why:

Differing drives

I mentioned this above, but I think it’s very common and worth delving into. When one person has a higher or lower sex drive than the other, it becomes very frustrating for both parties. While the person with the lower drive is irritated and tired of being pressured, the other is tired of getting turned down. The spouse who is irritated by the others’ constant pressure might give in just to “get it over with”. Not only will they resent this, but the other person will also sense what is going on. Neither is satisfied with the way it is going and eventually, it will spill out of the bedroom and become a serious issue in their relationship.

Differing needs

Though this one is similar to the one above but it is slightly different. Besides couples fighting about frequency, they can also fight about needs. For example, one may only enjoy sensual and romantic sex while the other enjoys things a bit less romantic. One may want to constantly experiment with new things while the other is content and more comfortable with the same old thing every day. When two people have completely different ideas of an ideal sex life, one or both will be unsatisfied unless either or both is willing to give a little.

Sudden change

Young asian couple lying separate and failure on bed at home, asia family having problem conflict and divorce, man and woman unhappy and stress with relationship, lifestyle concept, top view. (Young asian couple lying separate and failure on bed at ho

Another reason married couples fight about sex is due to a sudden or possibly even gradual change. Pregnancy, stress, children, new jobs, worries, etc. can all lead to a sudden drop or change in the couple’s sex life. Some are okay with it (this seems to be the woman more often than not), but the other partner may be seriously bothered by it. When one is especially satisfied with the former sex life, it is really a downer to suddenly not be satisfied anymore. This seems to be the case when a married couple welcomes children into their family. Couples do not have as much free time or alone time even to continue the same routine. However, a sudden change does not necessarily mean a couple will fight. Sometimes both parties in the relationship are okay with the change and go with it.

Leverage

Using sex as leverage; such as withholding when angry with the other partner, is especially damaging to a relationship and will eventually lead to fighting about the original issue, the withholding and much more. Being sexually satisfied is important in a relationship and when one makes things much more complicated by “punishing” the other, it becomes a nasty and deeper issue in the relationship. Also, rewarding good behaviour with sex is a problem, though maybe not as damaging to the relationship. None the less, it is still an unhealthy habit to get into. Sex should not be made into a game, but rather a loving act between married people.

Selfishness

Sadness girlfriend sit on bed think of relationship problems with her boyfriend

This problem is similar to the needs category but a different emotional issue that happens often, especially after both partners start to take the other for granted. In a long term relationship, sometimes people stop trying to please the other one. No effort is put into making each other happy because no one needs to impress anyone anymore. This is a bad thing but is a really bad thing in the bedroom. Couples only care about satisfying themselves in the bedroom and never ask the other what they want or if their needs are met. The example of this that possibly happens more than anything else is the husband not caring if his wife has the Big O or not. Men have an easier time climaxing than women so it’s easy for them to climax and then say, “Oh, sorry!” This may not be a problem if it happens only occasionally but when a man never makes an effort to make his wife climax, it becomes a source of resentment.

Ending the fight

For the most part, ending the fighting over sex is easy. Communication and compromise will solve almost any issue; in the bedroom and beyond. Both parties must be upfront about their needs, wishes, wants, etc. Also, both parties should be willing to compromise a little if they are on opposite ends of a spectrum. If one person would prefer sex more often and one would prefer less often, they need to find a middle ground. If a couple cannot communicate their needs or compromise, the issues are much deeper than just sex and counselling should be considered before the damage goes too far.

For related articles see:

Keep fights in your relationship fair

Odd issues that married couples fight about

Do you need marriage counselling?