Relationships are often shape-shifting, complicated and strange. As time goes by, you count on attraction to remain a constant. But what happens when you have to ask yourself: Is my husband not attracted to me anymore? Is there something wrong with me?
Believe it or not, many of us think about these questions often.
We think that the problem lies within us. And more often than not, mum blame their own postpartum bodies for this issue. Regardless, the question still lingers- why is my husband not attracted to me?
These ideas leave us frustrated, angry and resentful. And when you feel unloved, you express all these negative feelings by nagging, fighting or giving your husband the silent treatment.
But how you look is not the issue. Neither is marrying the wrong guy. And your postpartum body is perfectly beautiful. The fact is that there is something else going on in your marriage…
Why is my husband not attracted to me anymore?
A married couple in bed. Husband is sleeping soundly while wife stays awake with her angry thoughts.
In order to fix the situation you need to first identify the root cause. Are you feeling neglected? Are you constantly questioning your husband? Here are a few reasons why this might be happening.
1. Trying to hide the truth
If you have discussed your feelings with your husband and received the response that he doesn’t feel attractive enough for you; that could be a cover up. Most men do not want to admit their own inadequacies.
For instance, some aspects of their sexual abilities, like an erectile dysfunction or their physical appearance, might make them feel less manly. But rather than admitting embarrassing issues, they would rather keep you at bay so you don’t find out. In some cases, men also blame their partner’s physical appearance to cover up their own issues.
2. Feelings of being undesired
As you may have experienced yourself, physical intimacy fulfils the need to be desired. Some men use other tools to feel wanted. For instance, social media, video games, alcohol and even food.
Unfortunately, some men try to cover up their own low self-esteem by using their partner’s desire for them as an excuse. But this is not the way to feel loved. Remember, in order to truly love your partner, you have to love yourself first.
3. Influence of pornography
Another reason you might be feeling neglected is because your man could be spending all his time watching pornography. Many wives are often unaware that their husbands spend much time on this activity, feeling it could spice up their lives.
However, the reality is just the opposite. According to a study by the American Sociological Association, “Married couples who watch porn are twice as likely to be divorced in the following years than those who don’t. Meanwhile, women who watch porn are three times as likely to break up.”
4. Closed body language
One more reason why you could be feeling neglected is that you are neglecting your husband yourself. This doesn’t mean he is being vengeful, but that he feels you are not interested in opening up to him.
Your closed body language could be the reason he is avoiding any intimacy with you. He might have tried, but since you were not interested, he gave up. So take a hard look at your own actions and see what you can do to improve this situation.
5. You are taken for granted
While on one hand, you might be ignoring him, on the other, you might be mothering him too much. He is getting a lot of love and attention from you, and that is perfectly fine. But he might be taking all that for granted, just as kids do with the love of their mothers.
It’s best to let your man be more independent, and avoid mothering him so much. The more he depends on you, the more he is likely to take you for granted. And that could ruin your relationship.
6. Long-distance marriage
When you are living in two separate cities and only chat over the phone sometimes, it could lead to some distance in your relationship as well. Nobody ever said long-distance relationships were easy. But it could be the reason you are feeling alone and unloved.
In this situation, you will need to rely on trust and on your love for your husband. It is not correct to simply assume that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. It just might be that due to your long-distance relationship, he is not able to express it.
7. Fluctuating hormone levels
Sometimes fluctuating hormone levels could be the reason for your partner’s lack of intimacy. This could be due to a medical condition. For instance, a recent study revealed that men who have type 2 Diabetes Mellitus (DM) have low levels of testosterone and suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Low levels of testosterones could also lead to a lowered sex drive. So if your husband is not feeling very attracted to you, it might just be because of his health – not because there is something wrong with you or your marriage.
8. Attraction towards another woman
This is placed right at the end for a reason: It should be the last thing you worry about.
Yes, it is a possibility for men to feel attracted to other women even after many years of happy marriage. And this could very well be the reason your husband is not into you anymore. However, it’s best to ask directly before speculating, or checking his messages.
Communication is the key to know the real problem!
The best way to find the root cause is to come clean. Express your feelings to your husband through open communication. Tell him what you think about often.
Chances are, because of one of the reasons above, your husband is hiding his true feelings. Or he doesn’t want to break you heart. Either way, talking things out and communicating clearly is the best solution.
Once you understand the root cause, together you can both work on changing this situation. ‘Husband not attracted’ will become a past feeling.
Go on dates, get to know one another once again and fall back in love again (Image source: File photo)
5 things to do when your husband’s not attracted you anymore
Restarting your intimate life after many years of marriage might take a while, but it is very much a possibility. ‘Husband not attracted’ will never happen again! Here are some ways you can try out to reignite that spark:
- Go on dates. Just as you did before marriage, go on dates together. Fall back in love and get to know one another once again. Talk about common interests, and let him open the door for you. Do not talk about bills and the kids. You never know, you might actually learn something new about each other in the process.
- Ask him 36 questions. A few scientists unlocked the key to understand intimacy through 36 questions in this study. Attraction is not just physical but also emotional. So to spice things up, ask your partner these questions and reignite your passion.
- Be adventurous together. Try something new and step out of your comfort zone. Go for couple’s spa, take baking classes together or go bungee jumping together. Do what you would never normally do together. Create a new memory of something that is just between the two of you.
- Believe in yourself. If you feel ignored, you could end up questioning your own attractiveness. This self-doubt can even wear down your confidence. So do everything possible to make yourself feel beautiful again. Buy a new dress, get a facial, or put on some makeup so you feel like the gorgeous woman you are.
- Gaze deeply into each other’s eyes. This sounds cliché and silly after a marriage of many years. But it can be the best solution to fall in love once again. Even some studies prove that gazing deeply into each other’s eye can ignite passions. So gaze away.
As you incorporate these small changes in your lives, you’ll see the difference in the way your husband looks at you.
Chances are you already know the problem and perhaps even the solution, but needed a push to get into action. Your constant self-doubt and questioning ‘Why is my husband not attracted to me anymore?’ will vanish into thin air with a few efforts and steps from your end.
So here is your push.
Stop shoving yourself into boxes that define physical appearance as the only ‘attractive’ trait. You are beautiful from within and need to give your partner a chance to see that.
Sources: Sagepub, jezebel
Also read: How getting rid of TV saved my marriage