Chinese New Year is almost upon us, and many of us know what this means – time for a family reunion. Unlike many Westerners, those on the East side of the world put so much importance on families. That is why such family reunions are practically inevitable.
Time for a Family Reunion
The picture of Chinese New Year in every Singaporean’s social media feed will always seem merry and bright. But, what these pictures couldn’t capture is the reality of such family gatherings.
Underneath the neat and spotless home of the host, the crisp and new pieces of clothing of every guest, and the loud and seemingly joyous laughter of every family member is the tension and stress that many of them actually feel. Yes, young AND old – stress is unfortunately inevitable in these Chinese New Year reunion dinners.
Children often become the targets of intrusive aunties who attack without warning. Relatives either bombard them with personal, intrusive questions or attack them with kisses and hugs. Of course, not all kids will welcome such expressions of love.
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A family reunion is also always an ideal occasion to serve traditional food that children often don’t eat at home. Kids refuse to eat, they offend the relative who hosts the dinner, and the conflict ensues.
And, the ones who are always in a bind are the parents of these children. How do they deal with such stress? What can they do to prevent relatives’ unwelcome advances and hurtful remarks? How do they prepare their children for such uncomfortable situations? And, most importantly, how do they diffuse tension once a confrontation takes place?
How to Avoid Tension in Family Gatherings
While most family reunions usually happen during Chinese New Year, these tips will help you through any future family gatherings:
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Sit Your Kids Down Before the Family Reunion
Sit your kids down, and lay down the ground rules for when they visit a relative’s house. You have rules in your house, so naturally, there’d be rules in another.
Tell them to acknowledge every guest as they enter the location. Pay respects to the elderly and their aunties and uncles. Tell them how to politely respond to (or dodge) intrusive questions. Give them specifics, from the types of questions some aunties might ask down to the specific topics that will cause uncles to rage.
As you lay down the rules, don’t leave the conversation without checking if they understood or if they have questions. In setting your kids’ expectations of the event, you prepare them better for what they will dive into.
But, of course, this is a two-way street. If you warn your kids about how to act in a relative’s home, you also prepare your relatives for your kids – especially if you have little ones who are easily triggered or hate physical contact or get uncomfortable with hugs and kisses.
Call them before the family dinner, and let them know what they need to know about your kids. Tell them not to tell your children off as that is precisely your job. Ask them to direct your children to you, should they misbehave.
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Preparing your kids for your relatives and your relatives for your kids might not be enough. If such rules don’t hold up, you ought to have a backup plan.
If you are going to a relative’s house, you might want to ask the host if they could assign an area in their home that is solely for the kids. Explain how kids will eventually get bored after dinner, so a little place where they can play with their other cousins could help.
We can even bring that idea further by planning the activities the kids will do. Perhaps they can do some arts & crafts or decorate sugar cookies. The list is endless.
While we’re on the subject of distracting your kids, do NOT bring their iPads or tablets. Apart from such devices causing more delays in your child’s development, your nosy relatives might also take them as a cue to give you unsolicited parenting advice.
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Stand Your Ground as Your Kids’ Advocate
On these occasions, you always must remember your role as a parent. You are not an enabler nor an overbearing parent. Instead, you are your child’s advocate – their guide.
So, when your child acts out and you let them go on, you’re enabling their behaviour. Instead of letting them go on, gently ask your child to come with you to another room in the host’s house and help them sort out their behaviour there.
Don’t reprimand them in front of your relatives too. Again, you are their advocate. Your relatives do not know your kids the way you do. So, it has to be you who explains to others why your child is behaving a certain way.
If your child doesn’t feel comfortable responding to your relatives’ questions, do not force them. You can respond for them. Or, you ask your relatives questions yourself, if your child is only comfortable talking to you.
Should your child hold back from bonding with their cousins, don’t force them. They may be the same age, but that doesn’t mean they’ll click right away. So, be patient. Accompany your child to meet their other cousins, so they can see that they can be comfortable with other kids as well.
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Oftentimes, hosts will not ring their guests and tell them about the food they’re serving. So, in these situations, the only way you can avoid tension and still ensure your children eat, bring some backup food.
The backup food, as the name suggests, is merely for backup. The first resort is still to encourage your children to try the spread that the host has generously prepared for them. If the kids won’t budge, then it’s time to bring out the goodies.
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Chill Out when the Family Reunion Blows Up
Now, even with these pieces of advice, you have to understand that your control has limits. These Chinese New Year dinners are never going to be perfect. In one way or another, your relatives will disagree with something, will ask intrusive questions, and bother your children to no end.
What’s important is that you’ve done your best to ensure everyone is comfortable. If things don’t go as planned, it’s not your fault. You can go home with a clean conscience and the pride that you’ve done what you can.
So, don’t be hard on yourself. The night will end. And, your children are going to come home in one piece.
So, there you have it – five useful tips to help you get through your Chinese New Year dinner with your family. May you have a peaceful and joyous family reunion. And if you don’t, that’s also fine. Your job is not to end the tension between every member of your family. You are there to celebrate the night with your spouse and your kids.
So, while you can, enjoy the company of every guest, catch up on the latest family gossip with your cousins, and eat your heart out.
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