I don’t love you anymore
You have spent your early twenties swooning over one another, wrapped in young love. Then you get engaged, have that glorious dream wedding, become the parents you’ve always wanted to be and somewhere along the way –when everything seems to be going well—he says: “I’m done, I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore!”
There, you’ve heard it: “I don’t love you anymore!”–all those years down the drain. Now what?
- How would you react if your hubby says: “I don’t love you anymore”
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Various reactions of wives
How do you react? Some women get furious; they become so enraged that they end up doing some serious emotional damage to themselves and those around them.
Others cry, weep and beg—they plead for their spouses to stay…to no avail. Yet others would blame themselves—“why me, what did I do wrong, what can I do to change your mind?”
It’s normal to question: “Is there someone else?”, “How did I not measure up?, “Is this a phase?”, “Did he ever love me in the first place?”
It’s not you—it’s him!
But why is it your fault? Why do women naturally take the blame so willingly? Here’s an amazing true-to-life account of a woman who refused to respond the conventional way.
When Laura Munson’s husband of two decades said: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.” – she chose not to take it personally; as it wasn’t her fault.
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Find out how Laura handled her situation on the next page!
“I don’t buy it”
Laura did not believe that her husband wanted to move out or that he did not love her. She believed he was going through some internal crisis that actually had nothing to do with her. He had to sort it out himself. He just did not know what was happening yet…he had to find his own way.
The end of suffering
She wrote in an essay that appeared on The New York Times: “You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.”
I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness.”
Mid-life crisis
Her husband on the other hand has not achieved the epiphany that Laura had come to embrace.
She shared: “He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.”
Go do whatever you please
The next step Laura took was to tell her husband: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
She suggested that he should go on a path of self-discovery: “Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted.
Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”
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Keep reading to see how Laura held her family together!
Responsible separation
Basically Laura then Googled “responsible separation” so that they could see who was could use what credit card, who has the keys to the house, what acts must be kept discreet from the kids…etc.
A so-called reckless summer
The husband did not move out but he “spent the summer being unreliable” by: not coming back at six, staying out and failing to call to inform, going to someone else’s party on Fourth of July instead of spend time with family, act aloof and distant when at home and not wish his wife “Happy Birthday”
So Laura had to explain to the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” She decided to give him six months to sort himself out. She had good days and bad but she persevered. She “loved him from afar”.
All bad things come to an end
Gradually, he started to mow the lawn—a man does not do this if he is planning to leave. He was talking about painting the porch amongst other family things. Finally, at thanksgiving he said: “I’m thankful for my family.”
The conclusion is that her husband was trying an escape route and dumped his personal issues on Laura—telling her he no longer loved her. But in the end it was his own issue: “He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.”
Last words from Laura
So, as unconventional this method is it worked for Laura. She wrote: “Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.”
“My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me. But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.”
What would you do if you were in this situation?
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Watch this video of Laura at her book reading
