When does a wife begin to suspect that something is terribly wrong with her marriage? That the man she loves and adores, as her husband and the father of her child, is no longer ‘fully present’ with her, even though he is right beside her?
This Singapore mum recently reached out to theAsianparent to share her story, and the emotional turmoil she had to go through, when she found out that the sacred bond of her marriage had been broken. Worse still, she ended up dealing with some dirty accusations.
Cracks in marriage
Mummy Janet (not her real name) got married in 2009. She had known her husband for a good 3 years by then, and he ran a company. “All was good initially”, she tells us, “but after I had my first child, things changed.”
Her older son was born in 2011, and he seemed to be a loving father to him on the rare occasions he was home.
Things changed when they moved to U.S.A for Janet’s work. Janet confides, “During that time, he was never with me and my son. He was always going up to NYC on the pretext of work.” And finally, in November 2015, her worst fears were confirmed, “His girlfriend reached out to me demanding answers on “Who I was to him” and if I was still sleeping with my husband!”
“She sent me many photos and collages of herself with my husband. Some intimate shots. I demanded answers from my husband and I believed him when he said that she was a crazy woman out to ruin our marriage.”
Janet continues, “I was in the U.S. at the time and I flew back to Singapore with my son to calm down, and get a grip on my nerves. My ‘husband’ texted me saying that he was on the verge of committing suicide and that when I returned to the U.S. I would not find his belongings… that he would have gone for good.”
“This was how he controlled me emotionally. I was soft hearted and believed him. I forgave him.”
“I went back to the U.S. and we “reconciled”. In March, we got intimate and conceived my younger son. Everything was good and I was actually happy. For the first time in my married life, I actually felt that he was a loving husband!”
“However my happiness was short-lived. In June 2016, we came to Singapore for a month’s holiday. In late June, he dropped the bomb on me.”
Janet reveals, “He questioned me about the baby I was carrying, and claimed that the baby was not his.”
“According to his version of things, it couldn’t have been his, as the conception date in the medical report did not match with the date we had had sex. There was no such thing in the medical report and he had faked it. I knew it deep down in my heart that he was lying.”
“He also gave another ‘reason’ for my son not being his – because he had not ejaculated during our intimacy! I was shocked to hear such a ridiculous excuse. I knew deep down that my ex-husband was desperate for a divorce and I knew that he WAS still with his girlfriend even though he had denied it.”
“More accusations followed, and I went back to the U.S. soon to pack my stuff and return to Singapore for good. By then, he had admitted to both his parents and mine, that he had been in a relationship with his girlfriend ever since my older son was an infant (he’s 6 years old now), but had broken up with her in Nov 2015.”
“Soon he filed for divorce, and I was shocked to read his divorce claims.“
Janet goes on, “There were plenty of lies in the divorce claims as well. It was all about my parents. It felt like he was divorcing my parents, and not me. Absurd!”
“From the way he conducted the divorce I knew I had to do something to protect and defend myself from his constant bullying and lying. I hired a Private Investigator to track him, and sure enough, he was seeing his girlfriend. They were caught holding hands and hugging in public.”
“My ex-husband had never expected that I would fight back. I counterclaimed adultery on him and served him my defence. From there on, I saw a change in his approach. He went berserk, and even told me that it was my problem to bring up our son because I had refused to abort him. He actually told me to abort my baby… I was 5 months pregnant! He was such a bully and a monster.”
“My divorce, though not contested, was still messy because of the private negotiations. He couldn’t stand the fact that the truth was out in the open about him, so he started spreading lies to his family that I was the one dragging the divorce, making him spend legal fees, that I was controlling the divorce, and not letting him see his son, etc.”
“I was 37 weeks pregnant when I went for mediation at the family court. He did not even care that I was heavily pregnant. I had contractions on the day of mediation and went to the hospital on the same evening to give birth to my son. I let him know (through my lawyer) that his son was born and that he was welcome to see him anytime. He ignored it, and never turned up to see his younger son.”
“Because he refused to acknowledge his son, I had to force him to get a DNA test done. I waited for one month for the test’s results, just so I could use it to drag him to ICA birth registration, to register my son’s birth (We were still legally married at the time).”
Eventually, a mother’s fight for her rights won. Says Janet, “In the end, he had to withdraw his divorce claims, and the divorce proceeded on my counterclaims instead.”
Advice to mums
“My ex-husband was never a “husband”. I was supporting the family with my income. My life is a lot better now. I’m making new friends. I have also found a new job”, says Janet, who works as a Senior Project Manager, “I’m young and professionally stable with 2 kids.”
“Looking back, I would tell every mum or woman out there to always trust her instincts. Also, if a man does not respect his own parents, he is NOT the ideal man. Be independent…”
Thank you, Janet, for sharing such a difficult part of your life with us. We are sure that it will help other mums going through a similar crisis in their lives, to stand up for their rights, and say “NO” to abuse.
If you are going through emotional or physical abuse in your marriage, do reach out to organisations like AWARE, PAVE or PPIS in Singapore for counselling and courses.
Also READ: Abuse, manipulation and deceit: Singapore mum bares all
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