One of the most essential life skills you can teach your kids is self-regulation. Self-regulation is just another way of saying self-control, but of course, that branches out to so many other things. It’s not merely having control over your own emotions. It also is being able to focus on tasks and suppress impulses whenever necessary.
And, imagine the relief when your toddler who has tantrum-ed her way through almost everything has finally learned how to self-regulate. That’s going to be hours and hours of your energy saved.
Because, let’s be honest, tantrums at 2 years old are fine. But tantrums at 5, 8, or 12 years old? We’re all thinking of the same thing. And the good news is you can teach your child how to recognise feelings of frustration and to direct such feelings towards something else. Once your child masters self-regulation, you can be sure they will thrive wherever they go.
If you want to know more about self-regulation, its meaning, and how to teach your kids about them, keep on reading.
To Be Clear, Self-Regulation is . . .
. . . a set of skills. As mentioned earlier, when we say self-regulate, that does not mean you simply learn how to manage your emotions. That also includes your ability to maintain your focus. Another is composing one’s self in the face of a sudden change.
You can always set a routine for your child to follow. But, the world doesn’t work that way. Teaching your child how to collect themselves and how to bring focus to their task are essential skills to help them adapt to this ever-changing world. More than that, self-regulation skills can bring them closer and closer to their ultimate goals.
More specifically, these are the things that they eventually get to do by learning these tasks:
As you know, your kids have very short attention spans for their age. So, staying focused in school is a real challenge. When you teach them how to self-regulate, you eliminate this challenge not only for them but for their teachers as well.
It may be hard for us to admit it, but building relationships is more often than not just learning how to control our impulses. Take the comment section of every social media platform in existence. If people learned how to take a minute before posting a hateful comment, they wouldn’t have missed an opportunity to have a relationship with the author of the post.
See, self-regulation teaches our children to empathise with other people.
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If you already have a toddler, then you know what it feels like to go to a party with your child and follow said child wherever they go.
It’s because you know they don’t have self-control, and you worry constantly that they might hurt themselves or worse hurt other kids. But, if they’re taught self-regulation, you’ll trust them. You don’t need to keep them on an imaginary short leash.
No One is Born with Self-Regulation Skills
If you feel that your child is lagging behind other children who’ve learned this skill, don’t stress. No one is naturally skilful at self-regulation. It’s something that you teach. And every child learns at a different pace and prefers a different style. So, don’t stress over it if it seems that your child is lagging behind.
Experts also say that sometimes it’s the environment that makes learning more difficult. If you have a habit of giving in to your child’s tantrums, it’s going to be much more difficult to discipline them.
So, if you struggle to stay firm because of all the crying, this piece of advice might help: no child has ever gotten injured from crying too much. So, if they cry, let them cry, and stick to your objective.
What you need in order to achieve this is to have extreme patience and to actively listen to your child’s needs. You may be teaching them how to control their emotions one way, but they actually feel using another method. Your role is to be their guide and not to be their drill sergeant. So, make sure to keep that in mind.
So How Do You Get Started
The most basic moments to use as opportunities for learning are the times your child is acting out. Say you’ve ended their screen time, and they start a tantrum in hopes of you giving them an extension.
First, you teach them how to recognise their emotions. What are they feeling at that moment? Are their feelings normal or understandable?
Then, proceed to ask them what the appropriate response is to such feelings. If it’s the first time you’re teaching them this, you ought to model the appropriate response for them. And you encourage them to do the same until they eventually learn how to respond the same way on their own. This technique is called scaffolding.
If an acting-out episode does not present itself, involve them in solving some actual small problems. Say you and your family are going to a family reunion. Before going there, you sit your children down and ask them what they will do if they arrive at their relative’s house. How should you behave? What are you allowed to touch? And so on and so forth.
Positive reinforcement is always effective, especially with kids. So, if they refuse to give their devices back to you, offer them something they cannot resist. But, of course, do this sparingly to avoid giving them the impression that they can motivate themselves always with a reward. That is not going to be realistic one day.
Getting your child to practice controlling their emotions in actual meltdown scenarios might be overwhelming for your kids, so it’s also a good practice to do some test runs on your own first. For instance, something as simple as going to a restaurant and getting them to practice carrying their own drink and making sure not to topple it over.
Another perfect practice moment is when they’re brushing their teeth. Toddlers can get really fussy during these moments, so best if you do it one step at a time. Perhaps you can get them to put the toothpaste on the brush first. Once they master that, you can proceed to the next step, which is brushing.
You can do this section by section too. Say you start them on the front teeth, then the molars, then the tongue. And finally, the gargling to rinse off the mess.
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There are times when you don’t even need to model what the correct response is nor would you need to instruct. Giving them time to reflect could lead them to the right answer.
But, note that getting your kids to self-reflect takes even more patience. And it’s advisable that you practice the same method in handling your personal issues as well. Not only will that help your child understand how to self-reflect, but it also further shows your child how effective this method is.
Rewards can only go far. Another way you can motivate your child to learn self-regulate is to celebrate all of their wins – whether big or small. Those praises do more than uplift their spirits. They furthermore guide them towards learning all of the good behaviour they ought to keep. So, praise when you can.
It’s going to require a lot of patience from you from the very beginning. So, it’s always best to prepare yourself before you start teaching your kids some self-regulation. In the long run, all the holding back and sacrifices will be all worth it.
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