Parenting during divorce is a challenging task. The emotional toll can make it difficult to navigate conversations with your child. What you say during this time matters greatly, as your words can either comfort or confuse them. Here are 10 things to avoid saying to your kids when you’re in the middle of a divorce.
1. “Mummy is always late.”
Criticising the other parent, even casually, can hurt your child. It’s essential to remember that your child sees themselves as part of both parents. If you speak negatively about the other parent, your child might feel that you’re also criticising them. Instead, try to keep your comments neutral or positive, such as, “Mummy is busy with work,” which avoids placing blame.
2. “Daddy and Mummy still love each other.”
This might seem like a comforting statement, but it can be confusing for a child. Children might interpret this as a sign that their parents will get back together. Instead, it’s better to explain the situation clearly: “Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other like before, but we both still love you very much.” This helps set realistic expectations.
3. “Your mum took all the money, so no holidays this year.”
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Bringing financial disputes into conversations with your child can create unnecessary stress for them. It’s crucial to keep money issues between adults. Children shouldn’t feel responsible for or anxious about financial matters. Instead, reassure them by saying, “We’re going to have a different kind of holiday this year,” which shifts the focus away from the conflict.
4. “Don’t tell your dad that I’m going on a date.”
Asking your child to keep secrets puts them in a difficult position. It can lead to feelings of guilt or anxiety, and it undermines the trust between your child and both parents. Open communication is key during divorce. Instead of asking them to hide information, keep adult matters separate from your interactions with your child.
5. “Ask your mum if she can pick you up.”
Using your child as a messenger between you and your ex-partner is unfair to them. This practice can cause confusion and make your child feel caught in the middle. Instead, communicate directly with your ex-partner about logistical arrangements. This way, your child can focus on being a kid rather than a go-between.
6. “Daddy isn’t good with money.”
Making negative comments about the other parent’s abilities or character can damage your child’s self-esteem. Since children often see themselves as a reflection of both parents, they might internalise these criticisms. Instead, focus on how both parents are doing their best to manage the situation.
7. “We’re moving, but don’t tell your mum yet.”
Keeping significant changes a secret from the other parent, and involving your child in that secrecy, creates unnecessary stress for your child. It can also damage the trust between the child and both parents. It’s better to discuss major decisions openly with the other parent before informing your child.
8. “You can live with me if you want.”
Putting your child in a position where they feel they must choose between parents is unfair. It can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety. Instead, let your child know that you will support them no matter where they choose to live, emphasising that both parents love them equally.
9. “I miss you so much when you’re with Daddy.”
This statement can make your child feel guilty about spending time with the other parent. It’s important to encourage your child to have a positive relationship with both parents. Instead, focus on the time you have together without making them feel bad for being away.
10. “Your mum is dating someone new.”
Sharing information about the other parent’s personal life can be confusing and unsettling for your child. It’s better to let the other parent share such information when they feel the time is right. Keep your conversations focused on your relationship with your child, not on the other parent’s life.
Final Thoughts
Navigating conversations during a divorce is tricky, but with careful thought, you can avoid saying things that might confuse or upset your child. Parenting during divorce is about maintaining your child’s sense of security and self-worth. By being mindful of your words, you can help your child adjust to the changes with confidence and resilience.
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