Parenting through a divorce

One parent gains custody of the child. The other is left to carve out a lone existence away from his or her former household. While the relationship between the two former partners has soured, the parent-child bond still remains and it is a bond that is already weakened by the separation the parents.

Communicate with your kids

Both parents, even though they are separated, must work towards continuing the relationship between the child and his now distanced parent. Divorced parents should communicate directly with each other and not via your children. This is of course easier said than done, but is crucial. Define specific goals with your ex-partner and with our children and direct your time and efforts towards those positives objectives. Parents have to stop fighting over their children and stop playing the blame game.

Be interested in your kid

Remain interested and involved in your child’s life. Make it a point to take an interest in his schoolwork as well as his activities during and after school. Know the names of his friends, his teachers and others who interact with him. Accompany your child in the important activities in his life. The basketball games, the meetings with teachers, the karate classes, you get it. Remember to maintain a positive attitude with your child, praise where praise is necessary, but also encourage better grades or even behaviour.

What happens to the child?

The parent – child relationship becomes more formal. Spontaneity is difficult to conjure when all the time spent together is planned in advance. There is little opportunity for the spontaneous moments of closeness and affection that occur in the mundane day-to-day activities. The loss of half the parenting team also affects children in their day-to-day lives. Children lose out on an additional parent to attend their events, check their homework, talk to their teachers, cheer them at soccer competitions and generally knowing and understanding their lives. Children lose the balance of a father and a mother, providing different perspectives and experiences. These diverse perspectives are valuable and necessary for a child to grow but as a parent is separated, he or she tends lose their influence on how the child is raised.

The biggest challenge for the lone parent, is to deal with the fact that he will not be able to spend time with his children as much as he used too. Couple that with the physical distance and it becomes tough situation. Worse still, the child, who is undoubtedly affected by the divorce, may harbor negative feelings towards his parents because of their actions that have ‘torn’ the family.

Maintain the human connection

When talking to your children, avoid ‘yes or no’ questions. Try to have an engaging conversation by asking them questions like: How was your day? What do you think about your exams? Keep a regular schedule for contact and stick with it. If you say you are going to call, then call. Maintain that level of trust and predictability. In this day and age, drop the letter writing and talk to your kid on Skype or any other video conferencing interface. This allows a face to face conversation without being physically there. It is important to note that you should never use your limited communication time to interrogate your child on the activities of the other parent. Being separated from the family is never easy. But always remember to let your child know that you still miss, love, and care about him or her.

Felicia Chin

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