Not your everyday valentine
If your man tells you “honey, every day is Valentine’s Day” whenever you want to discuss the subject, get them to read John Ng's take on Valentine's day!!!
Valentine’s Day 2000. I was a fresh-faced 21-year-old who lived at home with his parents, worked casual hours and clearly was punching above my weight with the spectacular date I was sitting across from.
A romantic candle-lit dinner in a restaurant full of other loved-up couples who were trying their best not to mentally undress their partners. I was probably doing the same as well, but I was more nervous than anything.
The food was remarkably unassuming. I didn’t want to go bright red after a couple of wines so I went with soft drinks instead. In the event the evening would lead to first base, I wanted to look confident and assured. I mean, don’t all women like men who ‘look’ like they know what they are doing?
The night went well and I sent my date home. A polite smile and a quick cheek kiss goodbye and I found myself alone again.
After she disappeared from view, I stood for a moment and contemplated how much the night had cost me. The truth hurts. I was really broke and I didn’t end up kissing the girl.
In an effort to impress, I offered to pay for the dinner. I also went two weeks without purchasing any clothes, fast food or the movies with the boys so I wouldn’t look like a pimply teenager who baulked at the idea of paying $10 for a stalk of rose.
$10 for a stalk! Where’s the Flower Watchdog Society when we need them? Someone needs to put a stop on these retailers putting a monopoly on them.
Fast forward to the present day. Roses still cost $10 a stalk on Valentine’s Day and it’s been a decade since Bridget Jones wrote in her diary and 20 years since Richard Gere’s Pretty Woman made romance, champagne and flowers look sexy and easy.
Of course, Bridget has since found love and sex and Richard has always had it easy. He had sexy grey hair, looked dapper in a suit, he could afford a suit and mostly he was just rich.
More about John’s views on Valentine’s Day on the next page…
Still The Same Man
Chances are if I were still single and were out on a date at this present time, I still would not hold a candle to Richard. My hair’s still very black, I can’t afford a tailored suit and my mates would never put ‘rich’ and ‘John’ in the same sentence.
Marriage and Fatherhood doesn’t seem to have changed me one bit. I’m still sitting in front of the PS3, I still read glorified pornography (check out my FHM and Maxim collection!) and I still walk around the house naked.
Yes that’s right, how attractive.
I do wonder what Michele saw in me back in 2004 when we started dating. What is wrong with her? She needs to get her eyes checked! All I’ve done is cause her grief in the guise of ballooning tummy (hello Levi!), a year off work (hello maternity leave!) and now the needle is pushing 65 kilos (hello post-baby weight!).
I pretty much sum up the state of 99% of normal, heterosexual men out there. I’ll also let you in on a secret.
There’s the one question all men with partners fear. It’s almost always asked with a certain degree of expectancy but they are never ready to give a good reply. A week before Valentine’s Day these 99% of normal, heterosexual men are indoctrinated via a special part of the brain that challenges the idea of paying $10 for a stalk of rose and meals that are priced at 300% the regular price. All because of some baby with a bow and arrow who flies and loves shooting at hearts…
The brainwash is simple and it requires only one sentence.
“Honey, every day is Valentine’s Day.”
No, it really isn’t. For 364 days a year these boring, overweight and hairy men come home from work and expect normalcy such as sex, food and no nagging. They’ve gotten used to the model male behaviour in a modern society.
However watch them squirm around in their underwear the moment they hear ‘Valentine’s Day’ as they struggle to think of a reason to justify a special night out, some pricey food and a precursor to sex.
Find out more about John’s plans for his wife this Valentine’s Day on the next page…
Why ‘Buy’ Sex When It’s Free?!
Men do wonder why they have to spend an ornate amount of time and money just to please their other half when 364 days a year sex is minimal effort and free.
Here’s what men lack and women have it in copious amounts. I normally don’t go around telling this to everyone but I’m feeling generous today so feel free to read into it.
Subtlety. Women have it in spades while men don’t know what it is.
It took me almost a decade to realise this but perhaps I was coming on too strong back in 2000? Perhaps my date would have much preferred an upsized Whopper Meal with onion rings and Coke in a cheery, colourful environment where she could at least look at what she’s eating.
Perhaps she wanted to look into my eyes but I never gave her the opportunity to as I thought an expensive setting with dimmed lights meant I was more sincere. She probably thought I was coming on too strong. I took no effort to find out what she wanted and I just assumed that’s how all Valentine’s Day should be.
Men also don’t take hints. Oblivious doesn’t even begin to explain how dumb they can be when women drop them. I reckon men just don’t know it; we need to be taught. I still miss visual or verbal cues from Michele now and then and when I miss the boat, the boat sails without me.
Probably the only time the boat sails without an itinerary is on Valentine’s Day as men are expected to go out and about to do what they’ve neglected to do for 364 days.
So the next time your partner tells you Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, listen to them, shut your trap and don’t ever tell them it’s an everyday occurrence. It’s not, you’re lying and you really just want to save the money to buy the next limited edition action figure. Your partner may not be getting any gifts or sex until the next Valentine’s Day but for goodness sakes, treat them right this year and go out of your way to make them feel special.
I know I’ll be treating Michele right this year. It’s our first Valentine’s as parents and I’m neck deep in bills and debt but there’s always a first time. I just hope she doesn’t read this before she discovers what I’ve got planned!
Besides, my action figure can wait. The edible underwear however has an expiration date.
Now get out of here and go treat your partner right!