Is Your Sex Life 'Normal'?
As mums we feel we need to wear our 'mummy hat' all the time. As a result do we put our sex lives on the back burner? And talking about sex - do you consider your sex life to be 'normal'? How can putting your sex life on the back burner make it normal, you may think?? Well think again is what we say!! Read on to find out what we're on about.
You may be angry at us like “how dare they ask me if my sex life is normal!!” We get it, ladies! Calm down and let us explain. We understand that this is quite a private matter, but we want to reassure you, that your sex life may be more normal than you think!
Since we are all mums, our sex lives do get put on the back burner. Everything else seems more urgent and important than this. We use the better part of the day taking care of our kids, working, running errands and the like. And after the kids go to bed, we’d rather slip into something super comfy and watch TV or do something we feel is ‘relaxing’
Sex usually happens when we’re tired. Because of our lack of energy after our ‘tiring day’, we just ‘go along with it’; and if this is what YOUR sex life looks like! – my friend, you are absolutely NORMAL!!
It appears that this is the kind of sex that most adults with kids, have. Let’s look at what the majority of adults say their normal sex lives look like:
- Awkwardness and self-consciousness are common.
- Communication is limited.
- Neither partner laughs or smiles much.
- One or both partners are obsessively concerned about performance.
- One or both are unsure what their partner likes.
- One or both tolerate what they dislike, hoping that it will stop soon.
- Masturbation is kept secret.
- There’s difficulty using birth control without embarrassment or conflict.
- Desire requires a perfect environment.
- Sex is sometimes physically painful.
- He believes that “her orgasm problem reflects on me.”
- She believes that “his erection problem reflects on me.”
And it is also considered normal to have these feelings:
- Self-consciousness or being self-critical about their body.
- Don’t feel as close to their partner as they’d like.
- Don’t feel confident that they’re going to have a good time (which is why they don’t do it more frequently).
- Are concerned about performance — either their own or their partner’s.
- Feel inhibited about communicating what they want, don’t want, feel, or don’t feel.
(Source of lists:
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So are you feeling much more ‘normal’ now? Why you didn’t think this could be the norm is because like us, most adults perception of ‘normal sex’ is slightly different from the actual norm, above. It is a more romanticised version of it. Which would include a perfect performance, perfect ambience, and nothing too out of the ordinary or fancy.
So why is there an obvious mismatch between the norm and what we perceive as ‘normal sex’? The actual norm can be destructive to a relationship. It could leave you feeling isolated, awkward and un-satiated. If you harbour these feelings, then over a period of time it may create distance between you and your spouse.
So how can we change the reality to what we aspire it to be?
- For starters, we need to change our mindset about sex in general. Understand that it should be a priority in any healthy marriage.
- To get on track, you can start with scheduling time for sex. It may feel silly at first but keep at it and it will be something you look forward to!
- Talk about sex openly with your partner. Once we become mums we think we need to wear our ‘mum hat’ all the time. We forget how things were before kids came along. Discuss what you like about sex and how you like it to be better. Keep the negatives in check though – you don’t want to crush your man’s ego!
- Be open to trying new and exciting things you’ve discussed. If it doesn’t work, then have a good laugh about it – at least you gave it a go!
- Remember that good sex should NOT be about reaching a goal and racing to it, Even if you don’t get ‘there’, you should have fun on the way!
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We hope this information will equip you with some pretty good ammunition to amp up your sex life – to be as ‘normal’ as it could be!!
If you have any more suggestions or if you would like to comment on this topic, please feel free to leave a comment below, we’d love to hear from you!