Teen Mental Health: The Warning Signs, And How To Ask

Marie Osmond's teenage son, Michael Blosis, committed suicide last night. Michael was one of Osmond's eight children.

If you’re worried about someone right now:

Samaritans of Singapore: 1767, 24 hours. CareText on WhatsApp: 9151 1767. IMH Mental Health Helpline: 6389 2222. In an emergency, or if someone is in immediate danger, go to A&E or call 995.

These lines are for young people directly as well as for parents.

The most important thing for a parent to know about this subject is that the belief which stops people asking is wrong.

Asking a young person directly whether they’re thinking about suicide doesn’t plant the idea.

The evidence is consistent: asking doesn’t increase risk. What it does is give a person who’s struggling permission to say so, often for the first time, and open the door to help.

The fear of “putting the thought in their head” is the most common reason adults don’t ask. It costs more than it protects.

What to watch for

Rarely one dramatic signal. Usually a cluster, and usually a change from how they normally are:

Talking about wanting to die, not wanting to be here, or about the world being better without them, including as a joke or in passing
Hopelessness: no sense of a future, “what’s the point”, “nothing will change”
Feeling like a burden to the family
Withdrawal from friends, family and everything they used to enjoy
Giving away possessions that matter to them, or unusual goodbyes
Self-harm, including hidden injuries and long sleeves in this climate
Big changes in sleep or appetite
Increased alcohol or drug use, or new recklessness
Searching for or talking about methods
A sudden calm or lift after a long low period: this is frequently misread as improvement, and it’s one of the signs to take most seriously

In teenagers, depression more often looks like irritability than sadness. An angry, short-tempered, withdrawn teenager is a more typical presentation than a visibly tearful one, and it gets read as attitude.

How to ask

Directly and calmly. “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Vague phrasing lets them avoid it, and clarity signals that you can handle the answer.
Somewhere private, with time. Side by side often works better than face to face: in the car, walking.
Then listen. Don’t interrupt, don’t argue with how they feel, don’t immediately propose solutions.
Don’t react with panic, however you feel. Your reaction determines whether they tell you the rest.

What not to say

“Think of what it would do to your family.” Guilt adds to the burden they already feel.
“You have so much to be grateful for.” It tells them the feeling is unreasonable, so they stop describing it.
“It’s just a phase.”
“Promise me you won’t.” A promise isn’t a safety plan, and it makes them less likely to tell you when things get worse.

What to do

Don’t leave them alone if you believe there’s immediate risk.
Don’t promise secrecy. Say so plainly: “I’m not going to keep this to myself, because I want you safe. Let’s decide together who we tell.”
Remove access to means: medications, anything dangerous in the home. This is one of the more effective interventions available and it’s frequently skipped because it feels intrusive.
Get professional help the same day. A&E, your GP, the helplines above. This isn’t a wait-and-see situation.
Stay involved afterwards. Follow-up appointments, ongoing conversation, checking in. Recovery isn’t a single visit.

Self-harm

Self-harm isn’t the same as a suicide attempt, and it’s frequently a way of coping with unbearable feeling, not an attempt to die. It’s also a significant risk factor and needs help.

Respond calmly, without shock or disgust. Shame drives it underground and makes disclosure less likely next time.
Don’t demand promises to stop. Ask what it does for them: that’s the better question.
Treat the injuries practically, and seek medical care where needed.
Get professional help. It responds to treatment.

What helps day to day

Most of prevention is unglamorous: sleep, being known, having one adult who notices, feeling that a difficult thing can be said at home without a catastrophe following.

Ask questions that aren’t about school or results.
Don’t make achievement the condition of approval. Whether a child believes your regard depends on their performance is one of the things within your control.
Protect sleep, and get phones out of bedrooms overnight.
Take the small disclosures well. How you respond to a bad grade is data about how you’d respond to something bigger.
Know their friends, and be the house they come to.

Frequently asked questions

Will asking about suicide put the idea in their head?

No. The evidence is consistent that asking doesn’t increase risk. It gives someone struggling permission to say so, often for the first time. That fear is the most common reason adults don’t ask, and it costs more than it protects.

What are the warning signs in a teenager?

Talking about not wanting to be here or being a burden, hopelessness, withdrawal from everything they enjoyed, giving away possessions, self-harm, big changes in sleep or appetite, increased substance use, and a sudden calm after a long low period, which is often misread as improvement and should be taken seriously.

How do I ask?

Directly and calmly: “are you thinking about killing yourself?” Ask somewhere private, with time, and often side by side instead of face to face. Then listen without interrupting, arguing or immediately offering solutions.

What should I avoid saying?

“Think what it would do to your family”, which adds guilt to an existing sense of being a burden. “You have so much to be grateful for”, which tells them the feeling is unreasonable. And “promise me you won’t”: a promise isn’t a safety plan and makes future disclosure less likely.

Is self-harm the same as a suicide attempt?

No. It’s more often a way of coping with unbearable feeling. It’s still a significant risk factor and needs professional help. Respond calmly, not with shock, since shame drives it underground, and ask what it does for them instead of demanding promises to stop.

What do I do if I think there’s immediate risk?

Don’t leave them alone, remove access to means including medications, and get help the same day: A&E, your GP, or the helplines. Don’t promise secrecy; tell them straight that you won’t keep it to yourself because you want them safe.

What to remember

Asking doesn’t plant the idea. Ask directly, calmly, and then listen.

Watch for a cluster and a change, and know that in teenagers depression usually looks like irritability, not sadness.

Don’t use guilt, don’t ask for promises, don’t leave them alone, and remove access to means.

1767, any hour. 9151 1767 on WhatsApp. A&E or 995 if someone is in danger now.