Bullying: The Signs, And What To Do

Four years ago, Child specialist Esther Ng conducted a study of primary and secondary schools in Singapore and discovered that a lot of bullying happens in them.

Bullying is the thing Singapore parents worry about most and the thing children are least likely to report.

“What are you concerned most about your child in school?” 2,217 votes

39%: Being bullied by peers
33%: Mixing with bad company
15%: Not scoring well

The top worry, and the one children most often keep to themselves. They fear the adult response will make it worse, and quite often it does.

What counts as bullying

Bullying is repeated, it’s intentional, and there’s a power imbalance: size, age, status, numbers.

A one-off fight or a falling-out between friends isn’t bullying, and it needs a different response. Treating every conflict as bullying leaves children without the practice of handling ordinary disagreement; treating genuine bullying as a falling-out leaves a child unprotected.

Four kinds: physical; verbal; social or relational: exclusion, rumours, turning a group against someone, which is the most common and the least visible; and cyberbullying.

Signs

Reluctance to go to school, or physical symptoms on school mornings only
Unexplained bruises, or a changed route to school
Lost or damaged belongings, or asking for extra money
Sudden withdrawal from friends or activities they enjoyed
Sleep problems, appetite change, or a marked mood change
Coming home hungry: lunch money taken, or avoiding the canteen
Vagueness about the school day where there used to be detail
Self-critical talk that’s new

If they tell you

The first minute determines whether they tell you the rest, and whether they tell you next time.

Control your face. Visible fury reads as “I have made things worse by telling you.”
Thank them for telling you.
Listen to all of it before responding.
Don’t promise to keep it secret, and don’t act immediately without saying so. “I’m going to need to talk to the school. Let’s work out together what I’ll say” keeps them involved. The loss of control is what children fear most about disclosing.
Say clearly it isn’t their fault, and not about anything they did or are.
Don’t tell them to hit back. It escalates, it often gets your child disciplined, and it doesn’t work where there’s a power imbalance.
Don’t contact the other child’s parents directly. It rarely helps and frequently makes things worse for your child. That’s the school’s job.

Working with the school

Write it down first: dates, times, what happened, who was there, what your child said. Specifics get acted on; general concern doesn’t.
Email the form teacher, keeping it factual and unemotional. Email creates a record.
Ask for the details: what the school’s anti-bullying policy is, what specifically will be done, and a date to review it.
Follow up in writing after any meeting, summarising what was agreed.
Escalate if nothing changes: form teacher, then year head, then the school leadership, then MOE. Give each level a reasonable chance first.
Ask about the school counsellor for your child, regardless of what happens with the other party.

Cyberbullying

It’s different: there’s no escape at the end of the school day, it’s permanent and shareable, and the audience is larger.

Don’t confiscate the phone as your first response. It’s the instinct, and it punishes the child who was targeted. That’s exactly why children hide cyberbullying from their parents. Losing the phone means losing their entire social world on top of the bullying.

Screenshot everything before anything is deleted, with dates visible.
Block and report through the platform.
Don’t reply, and don’t let your child reply.
Take it to the school: schools can act on cyberbullying between their students.
Go to the police if there are threats of violence, sexual content, extortion, or persistent harassment. These can be criminal matters, not school ones.

Supporting your child

Rebuild elsewhere. An activity outside school where they’re competent and liked does more for recovery than anything said at home.
Don’t make it their whole identity. Ask about other things too.
Watch for lasting effects: anxiety, low mood, school refusal. Bullying is a genuine risk factor for mental health problems and warrants professional help if it persists.
Practise responses: a flat “no” or walking away, rehearsed at home, is easier to produce under pressure than something improvised.

If your child is the one doing it

Difficult, and the defensive response is the most common and least helpful. Take it seriously, get the facts, and impose a consequence, while also looking at what’s driving it. Children who bully are frequently managing something themselves: being bullied elsewhere, difficulties at home, or a lack of skills for status and belonging. Both halves are needed.

Where to get help

The school counsellor, first
Your GP or polyclinic for a referral if there’s anxiety or low mood
Cyber wellness programmes run by organisations such as TOUCH, which advise on online harassment
The police, for threats, sexual content, extortion or assault
Samaritans of Singapore: 1767, or CareText on WhatsApp at 9151 1767, available to children directly

Frequently asked questions

What counts as bullying?

Repeated, intentional, and with a power imbalance, all together. A one-off fight or a falling-out isn’t bullying and needs a different response, and the difference works both ways.

What are the signs my child is being bullied?

Reluctance to go to school or physical symptoms only on school mornings, unexplained bruises, a changed route, lost belongings or requests for extra money, sudden withdrawal from friends, sleep or appetite changes, coming home hungry, and new vagueness about the school day.

What should I do when my child tells me?

Control your face, thank them, and listen to all of it. Don’t act immediately without saying so: “I’m going to talk to the school, let’s work out what I’ll say” keeps them involved, since the loss of control is what children fear most about telling. And say clearly that it isn’t their fault.

Should I contact the other child’s parents?

No. It rarely helps and frequently makes things worse for your child. That’s the school’s job. Go to the form teacher in writing, with dates and specifics.

Should I tell my child to hit back?

No. It escalates, often gets your own child disciplined, and doesn’t work where there’s a power imbalance, which is part of the definition.

What should I do about cyberbullying?

Screenshot everything with dates before it’s deleted, block and report through the platform, and don’t reply. Take it to the school, and to the police if there are threats, sexual content or extortion. Don’t confiscate the phone as a first response. That punishes your child and is exactly why children hide it.

The main points

Repeated, intentional, with a power imbalance. A falling-out is something else.

When they tell you: calm face, thank them, and don’t act without agreeing it with them first.

Go to the school in writing with dates and specifics, ask what will be done and when it’ll be reviewed, and escalate if nothing changes.

Don’t tell them to hit back, don’t call the other parents, and don’t take the phone away.