How To Be The Parent Your Child Tells Things To

Use ARLO (ask, reflect, listen, and observe) to have a deeper conversation with your kids about media issues.

The thing parents most want to hear about is the thing children least often report.

“What are you concerned most about your child in school?” 2,217 votes

39%: Being bullied by peers
33%: Mixing with bad company
15%: Not scoring well
13%: Not paying attention in class

Bullying is the top worry, and bullying is very often not disclosed. Neither is a bad friendship, an unsafe situation, a message from a stranger online, or a mistake serious enough to be frightening.

Whether a child tells you comes down to one thing, and it isn’t how much you love them. It’s what they predict will happen in the ninety seconds after they say it. That prediction is built from every previous time they brought you bad news.

The gap between intention and prediction

Most parents mean well here, and our readers’ answers show it.

“What do you do if your child lies?” 1,101 votes

65%: Try to understand why he or she lied
21%: Try to make him or her confess
13%: Scold

Two thirds want to understand, not punish. That’s a good instinct. But a child isn’t calibrating on your intentions or your average day. They’re calibrating on your worst reaction they can remember, and one loud response outweighs twenty calm ones.

So the reaction on the day counts for more than everything else on this page.

The ninety seconds

When your child brings you something bad, they’re watching your face before you’ve said a word.

Control your face first. Alarm reads as “I have made things worse by telling you.” Whatever you feel, the visible version is calm.
Thank them for telling you. Out loud, every time, even when what they did was wrong. You’re rewarding the disclosure, not the behaviour, and those are separable.
Ask before you rule. “What happened?” then listen to the whole thing without interrupting, even when you can see where it’s going.
Don’t immediately take action. The fastest way to stop a child confiding is to phone the school the moment they tell you something. Ask what they want to happen. If you must act, say so and say why, but tell them first.
Separate the news from the consequence. If there’s a consequence, it comes later and calmly. Never in the first ninety seconds.
Don’t punish the telling. A child who’s punished for confessing has learned the correct strategy, and it’s concealment.

How discipline affects what they tell you

Half our readers say they’ll spank, 51% of 2,788 (2,788 votes), and 54% say caning depends on the situation.

Set aside the wider argument about discipline for a moment, because there’s a narrower point that stands regardless of where you land on it. A child who expects a physical consequence will weigh that against telling you. That isn’t a moral claim; it’s arithmetic a seven-year-old can do.

It matters most in the situations you’d most want to hear about: a stranger messaging them, an adult behaving oddly, something they were talked into. The children who report those are the ones who are confident of the reception.

Building it before you need it

Openness isn’t created in a crisis. It’s built in a hundred boring conversations that had nothing at stake.

Answer the small questions properly. Asked what they say when a child asks where babies come from, 14% of readers change the topic and 20% say “when you’re older” (765 votes). Every deflection teaches which subjects you aren’t available for, and a child who learns that won’t come to you with the large version later.
Find the sideways moments. In the car, walking, washing up, lights off at bedtime. Children disclose far more when not being looked at directly. Face-to-face interrogation at the dinner table is the worst format there is.
Ask better than “how was school.” “What was the funniest thing today?” “Who did you sit with?” “Anything annoying happen?” Specific questions get specific answers.
Talk about your own mistakes. Not lessons: actual mistakes, including recent ones. It establishes that being wrong is survivable in this house.
Apologise when you overreact. “I shouldn’t have shouted at you yesterday” repairs the prediction directly. It costs no authority.
Take the small stuff seriously. Who sat where at recess is trivial to you and enormous to them. Dismissing it’s how you get filtered out.
Say the standing rule out loud. “You will never be in trouble for telling me something. You might be in trouble for what happened, but never for telling me.” Then honour it, particularly the first time it’s expensive.

When they get older

Expect less volume. A teenager who tells you less is developing normally, and pursuing them for detail generally produces less, not more.

Be available rather than inquisitive. Teenagers talk late at night, and usually to whoever is still up.
Don’t react to the first sentence. They’re testing the reception before deciding whether to tell you the rest.
Give them privacy you didn’t have to be asked for. Reading their phone, once discovered, ends disclosure for years.
Keep one shared thing: a drama series, a sport, driving them somewhere. Conversation needs an excuse.

Frequently asked questions

How do I get my child to tell me things?

Focus on what happens in the ninety seconds after they tell you. Control your face, thank them for telling you, ask what happened before ruling on it, and never deliver a consequence in that moment. Children decide whether to confide based on what they predict your reaction will be, and that prediction comes from the worst reaction they remember.

Why doesn’t my child tell me when something is wrong?

Usually because a previous disclosure went badly, for them or for a sibling. It can also be because you acted immediately, such as phoning the school, and they lost control of the situation. Ask what they want to happen before doing anything.

What should I say when my child lies?

Ask why. Two thirds of our readers say that’s what they do, and it’s the right instinct. Most childhood lying is about avoiding a reaction, not deceit. Making a child confess mainly teaches that lying needed to be better hidden.

Does spanking affect whether children confide?

It affects the calculation. A child who expects a physical consequence weighs that against telling you, and that shows up most in exactly the situations you’d most want to hear about: a stranger online, an adult behaving oddly, something they were talked into.

How do I talk to a teenager who tells me nothing?

Be available instead of inquisitive. Teenagers talk late and sideways, not on demand at dinner. Don’t react to the opening sentence. It’s a test of the reception before they decide whether to say the rest. And keep one shared activity, because conversation needs an excuse.

What’s the single best thing I can do?

Say the rule out loud: “you will never be in trouble for telling me something; you might be in trouble for what happened, but never for telling me.” Then honour it the first time it costs you something. That one instance is what they’ll remember.

What to remember

Your child’s decision to tell you is a prediction about your reaction, formed from the worst one they can remember.

So: face calm, thank them for telling you, ask before ruling, and never act immediately without saying so. Answer the small questions properly, because deflecting the small ones is how you get filtered out of the large ones.

And say the rule out loud, then keep it on the day it’s expensive.