Negotiation is an art, no matter where you practice it. You could be in the office looking all polished exchanging notes with the client across the table, or at home surrounded by the family in the living room, the energy is the same. At the end of the day, only one person can walk out of the room happy.
But seasoned negotiators will tell you that cracking a deal isn’t about one team winning while the other loses. That would be a battle. Instead, the right negotiation will make sure that everybody at the table feels like a winner. This becomes all the more important when you sit at home to negotiate with family members to achieve something.
In fact, as a wife and now as a mum to a four-year-old, I can confirm that family negotiation is more complicated and tough. However, it’s a necessary evil, especially to keep my own sanity intact at home.
But before we get to the “how,” let’s take a look at five mistakes that I personally avoid at the negotiating table.
Family Negotiation: 5 Strategies I Personally Never Use And You Shouldn’t Either
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1. Avoid competition
Remember you are not dealing with office colleagues, but your family members. So the hard-nosed brinksmanship negotiations tactics won’t help here.
2. Don’t approach with bitterness and anger
When dealing with family issues, it is always better to think of long-term relationships. The use of anger or bitter words towards family members will make the other party retreat. It often does more damage than good.
Plus, the problem with family negotiations is that you can’t walk away easily. They are not your clients or employees, to whom you can say “Fine! If it is not working, there’s the door! So a softer approach is a required skill set for family negotiation.
3. Don’t give unsolicited advice
You may be in the habit of giving advice or pep talks to your office employees and love how intently they listen to you. Keeping in mind the same audience response, you try to apply it with your family members. Result – FAIL!
Yes, family members don’t like to listen to any unsolicited advice. Speak only when you think, the other member will need it. Sometimes, we become overprotective of our loved ones. But it is best to also let them learn the hard way.
4. Say ‘No’ to ultimatums
“In 10 minutes, I need those assignments done!” you blast your junior and you may find the work done. But do ultimatums in family negotiations work? No!
Here’s why…
Ultimatums are a form of bullying. It is a way of twisting someone’s arm to do something. Ultimatums never work and they sour relationships.
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5. Blame games don’t work
A blame game approach can never help to resolve any problem. “I couldn’t crack the deal, because X, Y and Z in my team were not helpful.” We may have used this excuse umpteen times to avoid facing the heat of our boss. But, remember, this can never work in the long run and is a strict no for family negotiations.
Relations sour if you put the blame on your family members. Instead, use a more empathetic approach. For instance, try saying, “Don’t worry, we will together get through this crisis.”
The pandemic has been extremely tough on all of us, and it has been more difficult for working mums. Managing a kid, doing household chores, meeting work deadlines and yes, the constant squabbles with my husband, did drain out all my energy.
It got bad to such an extent that I had frequent mental breakdowns. The first thing I wished for in the morning was “when will the day get over.” The fear of the pandemic and keeping my family members safe made me paranoid. It took me some months to realise that I was passing my negativity and fear to my family members, including my young son.
I decided to come out of this mental state by negotiating with my family members.
Family Negotiation: Here’s What Works!
1. Talk
Before the pandemic, I had my own room and space to silently work and complete my assignments. It was away from all the distraction of a four-year-old. But, when the pandemic struck and my husband also started working from home, the set up changed.
He began using my space because he had a lot of office calls and zoom meetings to attend throughout the day.
While I used the dining table as my work station. I worked like a nomad for good six months but realised later how badly I needed my own space to concentrate.
So, I decided to talk to my husband. I decided not to disturb his set-up because he needed some privacy while at work. After all, you can’t afford to have a kid barging into office meetings at regular intervals.
So, we decided to buy another office table, where I could work peacefully. I found my own cosy corner of the room and created my space. Yes, as simple as it may sound, but having a work table, did help regain my lost confidence.
Sometimes, the problem can be quite trivial, but finding ways to resolve it by communicating is the key.
But there’s more…
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Yes, it is very important to talk when it comes to family negotiations. But, it is equally important to listen.
I always had this complaint with my husband that he hardly shares anything. I nudged him- “I tell you, everything, but you don’t.” This was until I realised that I don’t listen whenever he speaks.
During the pandemic, I saw him working closely. From the frantic office calls to meeting deadlines, I realised how stressed he was. One day I asked him if he wanted to share, and in fact, he had a lot to share.
To be honest, I didn’t understand 50 per cent of his office problems but kept nodding my head in agreement. I am sure, it didn’t solve his problem that day, but it surely helped to lighten his mood.
I have started applying this technique to my son as well. Every night I ask him about his day. It is quite amazing that he has so much to share, but sadly most of the time, we don’t have the time to listen to him.
2. Walk away from heated arguments
The best way to avoid any flare-ups is to walk away from heated arguments. Let the moment pass by and then come back to it. But, it is very important to address the problem. Otherwise, it keeps piling on.
I am usually short-tempered, but my husband is quite calm. But, during the pandemic, I found him losing his temper frequently. So I realised that the best way is to walk away and not spread any more negativity.
3. Be compassionate
Compassion is key to reaching a resolution at the negotiation table. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their perspective. “Why are you not studying?” Next time, instead of just putting across this blanket statement, try saying, “Let’s solve this maths problem together.” It works!
Let the other party know you are there to discuss things because you care for them and they are family. In family negotiations, it is not always about ‘winning’ or ”being right.’
4. Find “a compromise”
Over the past few months, I found my son was spending excessive time on our mobile phones. He started taking advantage of the fact that we both are busy at work. I always ended up losing my temper, whenever I found him scrolling up and down on our devices. But, in fact, he kept on repeating it more.
So, I thought before it goes out of hand, I need to think of a plan. Here’s what I did and it worked for me.
I gave him a colouring book and told him, “For every page you colour, you will get 10 minutes of mobile time every day.” I didn’t completely cut him off from devices, because I knew this would increase his urge.
This slowly helped him understand that he can’t always have it his way and even I realised that sometimes all you need is a little bit of compromise. The good news is that he no longer reaches out to the phone on his own.
5. Show others how they benefit
In any negotiation, you need to show how the parties involved will benefit. For instance, when I found that I was getting extremely stressed out, I told my family members that they need to help me carve some time for myself. My husband started helping with the dishes.
So every morning when I woke up, I was no longer welcomed with the sight of dirty dishes. I started using this time to do yoga and some exercises. It gave me the kick to start my day on a positive note.
Similarly, I told my son that if he disturbs mama less during work, there will be little surprises for him. Yes, I did take out time to churn new kid-friendly recipes for him. But this “Do not disturb approach” helped me concentrate better at work. Once people are shown how they will benefit, they tend to be eager participants in any deal. Right?
So, in a family, not all members will agree with you every time. In fact, you should be open to different opinions. But, what is important is mutual respect and love for each other.
Over the years, I have realised that you master the skill of family negotiation with age and yes, lots of practice.
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