I killed my child and I have no regrets
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I read somewhere that in every life, a little rain must fall to make it more interesting and meaningful. But I caused a thunderstorm in my husband’s life three years ago. A thunderstorm that he has no clue about.
My husband is a businessman and I’m a piano teacher. We have 3 boys and 2 girls. The children are very close in age which is no surprise as I was popping them out yearly. By the time my fifth arrived, I knew I had enough. I begged my husband to go for a vasectomy but being the pig-headed fellow that he is, he refused. I realised that birth control pills were going to be the only things that could save my sanity.
However, we all know that pills, condoms and other methods of birth control are only able to help 99%. With the kind of luck I’m strapped with, that 1% turned out to be my 6th pregnancy.
At first, I had no idea I was pregnant. My husband and I are social butterflies and almost every Saturday, we are at a dinner function or party or some sort of get-together. Anyway, after one such Saturday, we were both a little tipsy from the drinks served and my husband’s good friend dropped us off. After checking (or at least that’s what I think we did) on the children, we managed to get onto the second floor and turn the corner into our bedroom. One thing led to another and soon we were asleep with the occasional teenage giggling between us.
Around 2 months later, I started throwing up regularly and feeling moody. Now I’ve had this 5 times before so I knew where this was headed. Nevertheless, I took a pregnancy test to confirm. Massive hysteria upon realisation!! I couldn’t believe it was happening for the sixth time! I still remember my maid staring at me as I cursed in different dialects (thankfully my husband and children were not at home). I started to cry uncontrollably and hit my stomach. This shouldn’t and couldn’t be happening. I barely had enough time for myself with the 5 monsters already present!
I knew my husband was going to be adamant about keeping the child if I told him. He always had mentioned that 6 was his lucky number and always prayed we would have another child just to round up the 5 to a 6. Also, being a staunch Catholic and a big believer in big families, there was no way he was going to give this child up for adoption or anything else. I knew I didn’t want this child and I had to get rid of it myself. So I stood at the top of my stairs and looked down. I placed myself at the tip of the top stair and closed my eyes. Before my body could move backwards, I stopped. I wasn’t that strong.
Then, I ran like a maniac around my house, purposely bumping into things like the sharp end of the table, the edge of my piano, etc. The only thing that got me was a bruise on the shin and the family dog racing after me thinking I was playing with it. After colliding with a vase and having the glass shatter all around me, I came to my senses. This foolish behaviour would have to stop and I seriously had to think of a way to get out of this.
Searching For A Clinic
So after going through a few places that offered abortion services, I chose the one furthest from home. I had initially considered going across the causeway to have it done but the hassle of explaining my whereabouts to everyone made me drop that plan. It was just too risky.
It was a Monday morning. I still remember the day clearly because I woke up feeling like I’ve never felt before. Rejuvenated, happy and just full of enthusiasm for the day. Until I realised this was the day I was going to kill my baby.
I wore my favourite dress and caught a cab to the clinic. It felt a little surreal and almost like a twisted version of ‘Rosemary’s Baby’. After the procedural signature signings were over, I was wheeled away. The word, ‘freedom’ was flashing in my mind in neon lights.
After what seemed like a trip to the unknown and back, I woke up with traces of anaesthesia. Resting for a while, I managed to groggily hop into a cab and go home. At home, I instructed the kids and the maid to leave me alone as I was having a bad case of the flu.
My husband believed the flu lie and the whole house stayed away from me long enough for me to rest. Today I’m a happy mother of 5 healthy children and a contented wife while all are none the wiser about my secret.
Yes, abortion is bad, abortion is cruel but don’t you think bringing a child into this world and neglecting it, is twice as bad? At least this way, the foetus didn’t feel a thing!
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the writer.
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Here’s a viewpoint someone once told me. There are many who question why, if there’s a God, does he allow His people to suffer and die from disease, hunger, global warming, etc.
What if He did save us from all that? What if he created the person, who would one day cure cancer, or who would one day create an energy source from waste matter? He might’ve, but his mother aborted him.
A woman had 6 children, 5 of whom had died within the first day of birth. She was pregnant with the 7th, and the doctor had advised her that given her history, it would be dangerous to continue with the pregnancy. Anyway, the odds were it would be another stillborn. But the woman persisted, and a son was born, who grew up to be a composer to over 600 pieces of work. That was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
A poor soap & candle maker had 17 children. By the time he had his youngest son, Ben, he could only afford to send him to school for 2 years. But Ben worked hard and self-studied, eventually becoming the founding father of America, author, inventor of the bifocals, and of course, we might still be reading with candles if he hadn’t discovered electricity – Ben Franklin.
A poor, unwed teenage girl got pregant, and had to suffer the dirty looks and humiliation of her townsfolk. She remained strong and eventually gave birth to a son, whose birth and death still continues to affect millions of lives to this very day, and for ages to come. – Jesus Christ
If any of these people had given in to their situation, had been open to abortion, and had aborted their child, we’d be living in a completely different world right now.
Applause!
Nitemare… i go thru be4… when u dun wan e god kep givin u, when u wanted notin givin…..
What’s done, is done. Martha, i hope you live a blessed life with your 5 happy kids.
Best wishes,
a passer-by from Japan:)
I have yet met a woman who has no regrets killing her own child. I have yet met a woman who doesn’t think about how the child would be or how old the child would be now if she had not killed it. When you become a mom, your kids are you priority. They come first. This mom has a maid to help her. She has time to go to social functions. The addition of another child seems to be an inconvenient for her not because she can’t afford to have another child. I wish I can post a picture of how a two months old fetus looks like. The baby is completely formed with hands and feet. Killing is the worst offense that anyone can commit. I believe that whatever you do, it will come back to you…good or bad.
I know exactly how you feel… i guess i would hav done the same if i was at ur place…..
dont regret ever……. everyone has a right for the way they wanna live their life….
Yes, everyone has the right way to live and that includes the baby.(fetus has life the second it is formed).
I have two daughters both born by c-section. My second daughter is about 3 weeks old. I am still recovering from the operation. I exclusively breastfed my first daughter till she was about 10 months old and unfortunately had to stop when she started biting my nipple during feeding. I am also breastfeeding my second. As soon as my eldest turned one, I gave birth to her little sister. It can be challenging and really tiring since we were never able to hire a nanny. I had to take care of both with some help from my in laws and husband on taking care of my first baby and this is only because I still have to let my cs stitches heal. I get frustrated at times out of exhaustion but I can say without a doubt that being a mother and having my babies is the most wonderful thing ever. And if I had to back in time, I wouldnt think twice about going through the same thing. Did I mention, my first pregnancy resulted to still birth at 23 weeks and I still cry every time I remember my loss. I am thankful to God though that I am blessed with two daughters now and don’t mind having more in the future.
@SN:
“two came right after my first confinement, within months of each other. SCRAPPED. one came after my second child, and when i am just moving up the corporate ladder. SCRAPPED.”
I am amazed by the inhumane way you described the abortion of your 3 kids. SCRAPPED? inconvenience? Just wondering, did you learn your lesson and use protection only after 3 times or 1% strike 3 times? Oh, I nearly forgot that you only started using protection after you can take the guilt no more.
Did you move up the corporate ladder and make big money? Was it worth the inconveniences? Last thing, please don’t say that you feel Martha, you do understand that the situation is quite different right?
WTF??? Is wrong with people? I know that having a baby is hard and a big respobsibilty I have six of my own! But if you created the life and dont want it why kill it? THAT MURDER!!! Have you guys not read all these boards where all these people are trying for babies and cant have one? They would give anything to hold that little miracle in their arms. There are other choices she said it would be neglected how? If there are millions of women out here willing to adopt! This kind of story makes no sense and is cruel she was fully capable of carring that baby to full term and then signing adoption papers! NOT MURDER! AND ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS THIS SHOULD BE ASHAMED!
I am totally stunned that a mother can feel nothing after killing her own child !
It is sad , very sad that despite you being a catholic , having maid to help out with household chores , having a husband who is loving towards kids , you end up killing the child !
I believe it will bite at your conscience at times , just that for the sake of your present enjoyment , you have managed to brush it aside.
No one can live with the nightmares of killing own child .
If others can struggle through financial difficulties ,hardships and emotional roller coasters to bring up their children , I do not see how you could not!
Why couldn’t The Husband use condoms while she’s on the pill? Double protection! Why not The Man? Why is everyone blaming the wife? All because he wants kids? Shouldn’t family planning be agreeable on BOTH husband and wife BEFORE conceiving? Shouldn’t The Husband use condoms BEFORE the wife agree to #6? Weird.. It takes 2 hands to clap doesn’t it?
It has always been easy to grab a condom and put it on but it has ALWAYS been difficult for men to put it on.. LOL.. Just because they don’t like the feeling of it..
Now that it’s done, good for u.. What’s done is done..
Live happy.. 1 kid is already a handful to me, #2 will come but it’s nerve-wrecking already.. But 5kids! *Bows* If I’m in your shoes, I’ll just die myself instead.. haha.. Just kidding.. xD
Remember to force your hubby to use The Condom from now on.. Everyone (who hasn’t been through one) thinks abortion is the “easy way out”.. But people who have been though it knows better.. The emotional pain hurts way more than pregnancy & labor & birth & all that.. I know, I’ve been through both..
It’s just my own opinion.. Sorry if anyone got offended..
i applaud your courage for posting up your real life story.
What really makes me sick about your story is not that you got an abortion but the fact that you don’t even feel guilty about hiding it from your husband and your whole family. Its obvious that this is eating you inside by the way you chose the words for your Title. “I Killed my Child and i have no regrets”? As you said, its not a child, its just a fetus. From now on you might want to keep telling yourself that you had an abortion not that you killed your child. It makes it sound like a murder which abortion is not. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Go to a psychiatrist or just your husband and air your feelings out or else they might be very harmful to you later on.
Given the way you put it that your husband absolutely loved to have another baby, i feel that you its cruel to just make the decision yourself. When you are woman enough to have made the difficult decision of getting an abortion, you can be a woman enough to be honest to your husband who wanted that baby so badly and tell him that you aren’t able to cope with another addition to your family.
The Truth HURTS! Many people cannot accept it. If you have no regrets and can live with it so be it.
I do not agree with people who always think the Truth will set you free. Sometimes it does more damamge. In reality, people rather accept that the TRUTH NOT BE KNOWN becuase it is harder to accept it. In reality, most people rather not be told that they are fat when they really are, that they are not born with good looks.
W
when your best friend shows you a Diamond for 22K and you don’t think the design is worth it asked what do you think. Would you trutfully said I don’t think it’s worth it, there’s a flaw here. Most of us would say Cool Diamond or ‘Wah not bad’ Not bad does not endorse an acceptance. It’s more you don’t want to hurt her feelings. That’s what most of us do.
Do what you feel is right and live by it with no regrets.
What is done cannot be undone, why go rock the boat now? If all is well let it be. People feels cheated only when they felt they are. Your husband does not know, so why tell him now! Will it make him feel better? I don’t think any amount of justification to tell him now is gonna make him feel any better now or in the future.
This is terrible on many levels the fact that your so selfish that you have maids can go out and party and then sit there and cry for sympathy that you killed your 6th child because YOU wouldnt have as much freedom? There are people out there begging for more children who have nothing. I wonder how well cared for your current children are with such a selfish mother.