I was shocked by how quickly gaming addiction took hold,” Lydia lamented. “When COVID hit and we were in lockdown, we had no choice but to give our son a smartphone so he could continue his education and communicate with his teachers. In less than three months, I realized my son was addicted to gaming. He was gaming almost non-stop unless I intervened.
“One day, I was so furious about his smartphone use that I wanted to confiscate it to halt his gaming addiction. What shocked me the most was that my son began to wrestle with me to get his smartphone back. It was a wake-up call for me. He had always been a silent and obedient child, and suddenly, he was changing and becoming aggressive”.
I vividly remember a phone conversation I had with a friend in 2020. It was the year COVID hit and the world went into lockdown, confining all of us to our homes. With my background in cybersecurity and a degree in computer science, I knew the Internet wasn’t safe for our children, and that smartphones, social media, and games could be addictive. That’s why I was hesitant to introduce technology to my children when they were younger. But I couldn’t delay any longer, as my children needed to continue their education virtually.
I noticed that many of my friends struggled with their children’s constant screen-scrolling habits or screen addiction. I was cautious when introducing smartphones, tablets, and laptops to my children. I was trying to figure out how to help my children navigate these technologies. When parents try to navigate digital parenting alone, they often face significant challenges. The rapidly evolving landscape of technology and its influence on children can be overwhelming and complex to address independently.
Parents may struggle with setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries for screen time, managing access to social media and online content, and understanding the potential impact of technology on their children’s mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, staying updated on the latest trends and potential risks in the digital world can be a daunting task for parents without external support.
As a result, attempting to tackle digital parenting solo can lead to increased stress, uncertainty, and feelings of being ill-equipped to effectively guide children in their use of technology. As a digital parenting coach, I can offer practical advice and strategies to assist parents in fostering a healthy relationship between their children and technology.
By providing helpful tips and resources, I aim to bridge the gap and empower parents to make informed decisions while raising children in the era of smartphones, social media, and gaming. I recently discovered a book titled “Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness,” which was published in March 2024.
The author is Jonathan Haidt, the bestselling coauthor of The Coddling of the American Mind. The book discusses the rise in mental health issues among adolescents, specifically the significant increase in major depressive episodes among American teens since 2010, coinciding with the prevalence of smartphones and social media.
The author suggests that the shift from a “play-based childhood” to a “phone-based childhood,” which started in the 1980s and 1990s, has contributed to this trend.
The “play-based childhood,” characterized by freedom, unsupervised play, responsibility, and opportunities for risk-taking, is thought to promote competence, maturity, and mental health. However, the trend towards a more risk-averse and overprotective parenting style has deprived children of independence and the benefits of unstructured play.
The arrival of the “phone-based childhood” in the early 2010s, which coincided with increased screen time and social media use, further exacerbated these issues.
This change in childhood accelerated in the early 2010s when an already independence-deprived generation was lured into a new virtual universe that seemed safe to parents but was, in fact, more dangerous than the physical world.
The author argues that this shift has led to a “great rewiring of childhood” and has had detrimental effects on teen mental health. Jonathan Haidt aims to inspire and empower parents, educators, policymakers, and tech industry leaders to prioritize real-world experiences over excessive screen time for children and adolescents.
Here is Jonathan’s mission for this calling, to motivate and empower teens, parents, educators, policymakers, and tech industry leaders to act collectively to free children and adolescents from a childhood spent largely alone on screens, and instead promote independence, free play, and responsibility in the real world.
His vision is to foresee a world in which our children have reclaimed their birthright: a play-rich and community-centered childhood. Children are no longer overprotected in the real world while being underprotected online.
Here are some points I agree with Jonathan:
1) Overprotected Kids and Anxious Generation
When we overprotect our children, they would have less struggle. This does not mean our children would be happier. They become more anxious.
Here is the reality, less struggle means they have less experience and experiment to try things on their own and overcome obstacles on their own.
Haidt points out an important timeline where back in the 1980s play-based childhood started to decline and how it was finally wiped out by the arrival of the “phone-based childhood” in the early 2010s. Generation Z (born between 1997 to 2012) is considered one of the most depressed generations, due to overprotective parenting.
According to CNBC, one in four Gen Zers have brought a parent to a job interview over the past year, and roughly one-quarter have had their parents submit job applications on their behalf, according to a new survey of nearly 1,500 Gen Zers by ResumeTemplates.com. Another 13% admit to having their parents complete their human resources screening calls.
Overprotection robs children of the opportunity to develop essential skills for navigating the world on their own.
We need to consider the type of children we want to raise – ones that are independent, responsible, resilient, and ready to face the world as young adults. Even though they may not have all the answers to navigate the world, they have higher self-esteem and are prepared as they build these beliefs from their experience and experiment to overcome the obstacles they encounter when they are younger.
2) More Responsibility in the Real World, Play-Based Childhood, and Unstructured Play
I couldn’t agree more with this point.
When children have more responsibilities in the real world, they recognize the importance of fulfilling these priorities. When they are busy with their responsibility in the real world, their time spent on the Internet would be much less.
According to Common Sense Media, 8 to 12-year-old children spend an estimated 4 hours and 44 minutes on screen daily. 13 to 18-year-old children spend an estimated 7 hours and 22 minutes. When you analyze the time, it seems that the teenagers are doing nothing else other than scrolling on their smartphones.
Assuming a child has 8 hours of sleep, that’s 16 hours, and minus the eating time, taking a bath, and school time (8 hours), that’s left the balance of 8 hours. Spending 7 hours and 22 minutes on screen versus a balance of free time of 8 hours – I think you got it.
We want to nurture our children’s developing critical thinking and creativity.
Critical thinking and creativity do not come from mindless scrolling. Children develop their critical thinking when they are faced with some problems and start to question the best way to overcome the obstacles. Most of us are more creative when we are in our boredom and our mind starts to dream and wander.
It is also from the time we start to observe the things around us and look for patterns or connections. Some of the best ideas came during our shower. When children are allowed to explore more play, it promotes more creativity and critical thinking.
Unstructured play will allow our children to figure out how to fill their time and explore their interests, hobbies, and passions. Encouraging unstructured play can nurture children’s critical thinking and creativity, which do not develop through mindless scrolling.
My son, Wei who is now 11 years old, once shared with me that he prefers to go out and play in the nearby theme park rather than playing PS5 games at home. Yes, PS5 games are interesting and nice to play, but they won’t be able to replace the real fun of real play in the real world.
3) Children are Under-protected Online
As a person who works in cybersecurity, the Internet is not designed to be safe for children.
There are many risks to our children: screen addiction, cyberbullying, online strangers, online grooming, inappropriate content, social media depression, negative social influence, bad digital footprint, misinformation, and identity theft and misuse of children’s PII.
Many parents just pass the devices without setting a safe device environment for their children. Parents need to take the time to understand basic internet safety to protect their children. It could be as simple as restricting adult content to your child’s devices.
I recalled one of the conversations I had with my daughter, Suen. When COVID came in the year 2020, Suen was only 10 years old. Suddenly all of her friends had unlimited and unrestricted access to the Internet. Suen also mentioned the boys were not innocent anymore, suspecting that they had watched some adult content.
According to NSPPC, almost 34,000 online grooming crimes against children were recorded in the last 6 years. 1 in 4 online grooming crimes in the last 5 years were against primary school children. By just taking some time to understand and learn basic Internet Safety, you can help protect your children from these online dangers. Having frequent conversations about things happening in the real and virtual world can also help increase awareness and safety.
4) Delay smartphone use until high school and delay social media until 16 years old.
There is no “good age” at which you can pass a smartphone to your children. Restricting early access to smartphones and social media platforms can protect children from a range of potential online risks.
According to a recent report by Statista, approximately 3.8 billion people in the world are addicted to their phones. This accounts for over 48% of the world’s population!
Many adults are addicted to their smartphones. If adults themselves find it hard to take a break from the smartphone, it means it is even more difficult for children as their brains are still developing.
Children lack executive functioning skills such as time management, attentional control, and prioritization.
I also have some suggestions or add-ons based on my experience with children and working with families, which I will reveal in the next article.
Here are some of the previews of the suggestion:
1) Teach your children about online safety instead of just restricting their access.
2) Promote a play-based childhood and encourage healthy family screen habits.
3) Instead of imposing tech rules at home, it’s more effective to work with your kids to agree on screen time and usage.
and others…
Before I end, let’s meet Sarah.
Allow me to introduce Sarah. She’s a mother to two wonderful daughters, aged 8 and 5. She already knew her daughters were glued to their devices for hours, especially the eldest, who sneaks out to play computer games at midnight. Occasionally, Sarah resorted to yelling and taking away the gadgets. Her children will cry, become aggressive, and sometimes retaliate.
Her children seem to connect better with their devices than with her. The longer they spend on it, the more they want it. Sarah thought the screen time issue would disappear as her girls grew. This bothered her, but she forwent acting on it. It was only after she found her oldest daughter was searching for adult content online that she became desperate.
She knew she needed to do something, and fast. In our program, we guided Sarah to respond to her daughter’s screen time behavior instead of reacting. We taught her how to build a better and healthier relationship with her daughters and create a safe space for communication and trust.
Sarah also showed her daughter to set healthy boundaries with the screen. They mutually agreed on screen use. And after some time, her daughter learned to manage well. The mother and daughter also discussed the Internet, its content, and its effect on children.
We’re delighted to share that her children’s screen use was reduced from 12 hours daily to just 2 hours on weekdays and a maximum of 5 on Saturdays. Sundays are screen-free days.
The girls know completing their primary responsibilities is FIRST before computer games. Now, Sarah and her daughter do not argue about screen use anymore. Sarah and her daughters have stopped arguing ever since and have been building more profound connections with her children.
The young girls would even readily set aside their screen time and prefer to spend it with the family.
In Sarah’s words,
“Jessie has rocked our world in one of the best ways in regards to screen time use. One of the best things I found working with Jessie is that I have a better connection with my daughter than before. I hope to keep her as long as my children use the gadgets”.
This clearly shows that when you switch from controlling and limiting screen time to nurturing good screen habits, positive transformation happens, and your child knows how to use the screen/Internet responsibly and stay safe online. You build a better relationship with them, and they can come to you to talk about anything without fear of being judged.
Managing screen time in the family can be challenging, but it is necessary for maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle. When parents fail to effectively manage digital parenting, they may encounter various challenges and pains. These can include increased screen time leading to a sedentary lifestyle, potential exposure to inappropriate or harmful content, cyberbullying, and privacy concerns.
Additionally, children may experience negative effects on their mental health, such as heightened anxiety, decreased attention spans, and disrupted sleep patterns. Strained parent-child relationships and conflicts arising from disagreements over technology use may also manifest.
Overall, the failure to address digital parenting can lead to significant stress, family discord, and potential long-term consequences for children’s well-being. As a response to these challenges, I’m excited to introduce a program aimed at providing practical guidance and support for digital parenting. Through this program, parents will have the opportunity to learn effective strategies for balancing screen time, promoting online safety, and fostering open communication with their children about technology use.
Additionally, the program will offer resources to enhance digital literacy, navigate potential risks, and create a balanced digital environment within the family. By participating in this program, parents can gain confidence in their ability to address the complexities of digital parenting and create a positive and healthy digital experience for their children.
I’ll see you in the next article.
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Jessie Liew is the founder of Digital Parenting Coaching and a mother of 4. Her previous career included working as a cybersecurity specialist, where she protected clients from the harmful effects caused by online hackers and predators. In her spare time, Jessie enjoys reading, playing games, and adventures.
If you’d like to learn more about Jessie and her work, please visit her website at https://www.neverfightwithyourkids.com/
You can also find her on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn as Jessie Liew SP.
