What Makes A Good Mother-In-Law?

What makes a good mother-in-law?

Dear Daughter-In-Law,

Don't let the popular notion of a ferocious and annoyingly invasive mother-in-law scare you.

I will try my best to be your new BFF... caring and not overbearing... the kind of mum-in-law that nobody thought existed... a "good mother-in-law" to the end.
Sincerely,

Your new Mum
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Is your daughter-in-law expecting a baby soon?

Are you excited about your first grandchild, yet unsure about how to act, especially towards his or her mother, i.e. your daughter-in-law?

Well, fear not... you can be a good mother-in-law, especially if it's something you really want to be!

To help you get started, we asked our readers to share their tips for dispelling the evil mother-in-law myth:

Treat her like your own daughter

Many mothers-in-law feel that their new daughter-in-law is taking away their sons' attention from them. Well, in a way, it's true... but this is as it should be!

After all, you didn't expect to him to marry you, right? So don't compete for attention — remember that you did not lose a son; on the contrary, you gained a new daughter!

Shower her with love and care like you would your own child and she's likely to respond like an appreciative daughter would, out of respect and affection for you. That's just one of the 'results' you'll get from being a good mother-in-law!

Give her space

Sometimes, your excitement over the new baby may leave the family with no time to themselves. If you want to be a good mother-in-law, give them the luxury of private time for some quality mother-and-baby bonding.

Alternatively, you can also volunteer to take care of the baby so the couple can have time to themselves — they would most probably be very grateful for the break!

Accept that it's a delicate balance

Being a good mother-in-law is an art, rather than a science. It is that fine balance of showing care and concern for your daughter-in-law's well-being without being overbearing or domineering.

It is also about giving sincere and useful advice, yet not imposing your own opinions on her decisions; it's about helping out but not trying to take over.

So go ahead and ask her if she needs your support — but be on the lookout, too, for any signs that she needs some space.

Understand that she is her own person

Freedom and independence — these are two golden gifts that you can bestow upon your daughter-in-law.

Accept that she has her own methods, even if they are vastly different from yours.

Short of doing harm to herself and your son or grandchild, you need to respect your daughter-in-law as your son's choice for a spouse — which means that you should also respect the fact that she has unique qualities and 'quirks,' like being a hardcore vegan or preferring to wear all black almost all the time.

Oh, and here's an extra tip on how to be a good mother-in-law, related to the above mentioned: Do consult your daughter-in-law before buying anything for the baby, as she may already have certain things in mind.

Leave the parenting to the parents

Realise that parenting styles differ from person to period. Even if you may not agree with certain ideas, resist the temptation to take charge; no one likes a know-it-all.

Thus, you should always stick to your children's rules for their child; do not override or undermine a decision they've made, even if your beloved grandchild comes running to you to be "rescued." Doing so compromises the upbringing that they've chosen for their child.

To avoid misunderstandings, do be open and willing to discuss such scenarios and establish an understanding with your son and your daughter-in-law, especially if you're helping to take care of your grandchild.

Lend a helping hand

Being a good mother-in-law means knowing when to help out. Here are some nurturing acts of kindness that most daughters-in-law would appreciate, especially after giving birth:

- cooking delicious, nutritious confinement food, or hiring a confinement lady or helper to handle cooking or housework;

- offering to babysit so that she can run errands or rest;

- or simply being available and present to offer moral support and a listening ear without judgement.

Show understanding and support

Last but not the least: Shower her with love. Show your daughter-in-law genuine concern and care — as much as you would to your new grandchild.

Think about it: Without her, you wouldn't have that bouncing, cuddly baby to hold and sing lullabies to, right?

Also, as you may or may not recall, the postnatal period is usually fraught with emotional and physical changes, and your daughter-in-law is probably feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable or, at the very least, tired.

So be supportive and understanding — and you're already on your way to becoming not just a good mother-in-law but a super mum-in-law!

Now, we'd like to know... are you a mum-in-law yourself? Perhaps you have some tips for being a good-mother-in law too!

Or perhaps you are a reader who has a good mother-in-law... If you are, what traits does she have that makes you say so? Come share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below!

Written by

Estelle Lim

mother-in-law