How do you teach your kids gratitude without forcing a “thank you” from them? It’s a common concern most parents have during the holiday season, or even the whole year round.
“What do you say?” Do you always feel compelled to prompt your child with a response after they receive a gift?
Watching children opening presents can be a nerve-wracking experience for their parents, who often end up bracing themselves for whatever happens in case their child unwraps something they don’t want. How can parents teach their kids to receive their gifts graciously? Should we force them to say “Thank you?”
Should You Force Your Kid to Say ‘Thank You’
While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with teaching our children about manners, we need to be more conscious of the message that comes across when you force your child to say “Thank you” every time they receive a gift or a kind gesture from someone.
According to Dr Jazmine McCoy, a child psychologist and parent coach, forcing our child to utter these words as a sign of gratitude may actually backfire as saying thank you may lead to forced gratitude.
“Are they really grateful or are they just going through the motions because it’s socially acceptable?” she said.
Moreover, forcing your child to say thank you may lead to awkwardness (you and your child are put in the spotlight) and power struggles (what if they ignore you? You’re going to end up angry and out of control).
While it’s not bad to make gratefulness a habit, remember that the first goal is for your child to have awareness of the kindness or the thoughtfulness that was directed to them.
How to Teach Your Child to Show Gratitude When Receiving a Gift
Teaching your child gratitude and politeness isn’t a one-time thing, but is a long process. Patience and persistence are key. Here are a few tips on teaching your children how to be gracious when receiving presents.
1. Start early.
According to Dr Terrie Rose, a child psychologist from the United States, you can start sowing the seeds of gratitude as early as infancy.
“While it might seem funny to say please and thank you to a baby, your baby will learn the language of appreciation right along with the names of farm animals,” she said.
Using kind and gentle words to your little one will increase their sense of connection and love.
2. Be a good role model.
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You can’t teach your kids to be gracious when you’re not modelling the same behaviour. Remember to always say please and thank you, and to show gratitude whenever people give you presents, especially when it’s your kids doing the gift-giving.
“Your child might not see it all at once, but they will see how it is in real life to have an attitude of gratitude,” said Dr McCoy.
One thing you can do is make gratitude a ritual at home. Start each meal by thanking the cook. Or thank your child if she tells you something that makes you feel good. If your husband compliments you, sincerely say, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
3. Don’t focus on the gift itself
It’s the thought that counts, right? Drive that point home by focusing on the giver’s thoughtfulness instead of the gift itself. Avoid remarking on how big or expensive presents are. Instead of just praising the item, talk about how much time and effort probably went into choosing that gift. This will help your child see the value in the effort as well.
Little kids might not fully understand this, said Dr McCoy. So it helps to talk to them about the details.
“What you want to educate them on is that somebody took the time out of their day to think about your child and think about what your child might like.” Say something like,
“They went to the store and they spent their money to get you a gift that they thought you might like. That took a lot of their time, effort and thoughtfulness. So it’s important that we show appreciation for the gift that we received,” she said.
4. Avoid making your child feel entitled.
If your child expects to receive gifts of a specific cost for certain occasions, that can set them up for disappointment when their expectations aren’t met. Teach them that they aren’t entitled to receive anything and that each present should be valued, no matter what it is.
5. Ask them how receiving a gift make them feel.
After telling them about the time and effort that was put into the gift, ask them how they feel that someone was thoughtful enough to give them something that the gift-giver thought they would like.
According to Dr Rose, asking this question helps the child establish an emotional connection, which enables them to build awareness of the emotional expression of gratitude and joy.
Remember, the best time to ask this question is not the moment they receive the present (avoid putting your child on the spot), but during your private time together, before or after they have received it.
6. Tell them that there are other ways to express gratitude.
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If your child is a little bashful, you can tell them that there are many different ways to show their appreciation and gratitude.
Of course, the most common and straightforward way is to say “Thank you,” but they can also do it in a way that’s authentic and true to them. Ask them if they want to make a thank you card instead, or give someone a high five as a way of saying thanks.
Again, avoid putting them on the spot and forcing a “Thank you” out of them. Instead, you can gently give them a little nudge after and say something like,
” Hey, whenever you’re ready, you can go ahead and give (the giver) a hug or a thank you card. Just checking in if that’s still how you want to express your appreciation. Let me know if you need my help.”
7. Let them pick out a gift for someone
Get your child involved in the gift-giving process by letting them select a present. This will help them understand the effort that goes into choosing a present, helping them understand how a person feels when they don’t appreciate a present.
What If They Don’t Like the Gift
How can you teach your kids to thank their aunt for that ugly hat she knitted them? When we ask our kids to be gracious for presents they don’t necessarily like, focus on your child’s awareness of other people’s emotions instead of telling them that it’s ok to tell little white lies from time to time.
You cannot protect your child from disappointment. We have all received something we do not really care for at some point in our lives. So the goal is to validate your child’s feelings, while also stressing the importance of showing appreciation for the gift-giver’s kindness or thoughtfulness. You can say something like,
” It’s okay if you feel really disappointed or the gift wasn’t quite like what you were expecting. It’s okay to feel that way. But we still need to show our appreciation because Auntie/Uncle put a lot of effort on getting it for you.”
Teaching our children about the importance of gratitude and encouraging them to share their thankfulness takes more time and effort than just prompting them to say “Thank you” every time. But once they learn to understand the importance of showing appreciation, your child will be much better off than someone who says thank you for the sake of not being nagged into doing it.
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Updates from Camille Eusebio
