Talking To Your Kids About Sex: A Decade Of Small Conversations

Sex education is a topic many parents prefer to dodge. If you've young children, you might think you're off the hook for a while. But that's not necessarily true. Here’s why talking to your kids about sex at an early age is so important.

There’s no Big Talk. There’s a decade of small ones, and the goal of all of them is the same: that when something happens, your child comes to you, not to a search engine.

Most parents wait for school to do it. Asked when is the best time to talk about sex with their children, 66% of our readers said when they start learning about it in school (824 votes), and 14% change the subject when a child asks where babies come from (765 votes).

The problem with waiting is that the internet doesn’t wait, and neither does the playground.

By age

2 to 5

Correct names for body parts, including the genitals, in the same tone as elbow. This is where sex education starts, and it’s a child protection measure as much as anything.
Private means private, not shameful.
“Babies grow in a uterus” is a complete answer at this age.
Body autonomy: nobody touches you without asking, and your no counts, including with relatives.

5 to 8

How babies are made, simply and factually. A sperm from a man and an egg from a woman. Children accept this without drama unless the adult supplies some.
Preview puberty before it arrives, so it isn’t a surprise.
Start on online safety: that people online may not be who they say, and that anything strange gets told to you.
The standing rule: you’ll never be in trouble for telling me something.

9 to 12

The important window, because it’s before most of what it covers happens.

Puberty in detail, for both sexes: periods, erections, wet dreams, body hair, smell, mood. Boys need to know about periods and girls about wet dreams; single-sex briefings produce adults who find the other half mysterious.
Reproduction properly, including that sex is something adults choose to do and not only a mechanism for babies.
Pornography, before they encounter it. First exposure is commonly accidental and commonly before thirteen. Say it exists, that it’s performance and not a documentary, and that if they see something upsetting they can tell you without being in trouble. Having this conversation afterwards is much harder.
Consent as a concept, not just a word.

13 and up

Relationships: what a good one looks like, and what control and pressure look like.
Contraception and sexually transmitted infections, factually. Knowing doesn’t cause anything; not knowing does.
Consent in depth: that it can be withdrawn, that it can’t be given when someone is drunk or asleep, and that pressure isn’t consent.
Images. There’s a legal side to this one: producing, possessing or sharing sexual images of anyone under 18 is a serious offence in Singapore including images of themselves. A teenager sending a photo to a boyfriend isn’t aware they may be committing an offence, and neither is he when he keeps it.
What pornography gets wrong: bodies, behaviour, enthusiasm, and the absence of any conversation.

How to have them

Answer the question asked. “Where do babies come from” may need one sentence. Give that, and stop. They’ll ask the next question when they want it.
Sideways, not face to face. In the car, walking, washing up. Children disclose and absorb far more when not being looked at directly.
Don’t laugh, and don’t visibly panic. Both close the subject.
“That’s a good question, let me think about it” is fine, as long as you come back within a day.
Say you don’t know, and look it up together.
Don’t defer indefinitely. “When you’re older” said repeatedly teaches that you aren’t the person to ask.
Include fathers. Making this exclusively a mother’s job leaves half the household unable to discuss it.
Use ordinary moments: a pregnant character in a programme, a news story, an advert. Easier than a scheduled conversation.

What school covers

MOE’s sexuality education covers puberty and related topics from upper primary. Parents may view the materials, and may opt out. But if you opt out, the responsibility comes home with you, and doing nothing leaves your child with only the playground version.

Ask what has been covered and when, so you can fill gaps instead of duplicating them.

The harder questions

If your child asks about same-sex attraction, gender, or anything else you weren’t expecting, answer factually and calmly. The particular views your family holds are yours to convey. But the way you react is what determines whether this child brings you anything difficult in the next ten years. A child who senses judgement stops asking and asks elsewhere, which is the outcome nobody wants.

Frequently asked questions

When should I start talking to my child about sex?

From two to five, with correct names for body parts and the idea that babies grow in a uterus. There’s no single Big Talk: it’s a decade of small conversations, and most parents wait too long. 66% of our readers said they would leave it until school covers it.

What should I say when my child asks where babies come from?

Answer exactly what was asked, in one or two sentences, then stop. They’ll ask the next question when they’re ready. Changing the subject, which 14% of readers do, teaches that you aren’t the person to ask.

When should I talk about pornography?

Between nine and twelve, before they encounter it. First exposure is commonly accidental and often before thirteen. Say it exists, that it’s performance and not a documentary, and that they can tell you if they see something upsetting without being in trouble. The conversation is much harder afterwards.

What do teenagers need to know that parents forget?

That producing, possessing or sharing sexual images of anyone under 18 is a serious offence in Singapore, including images of themselves. A teenager sending a photo to a partner is usually unaware of this, and so is the person who keeps it.

Should boys learn about periods?

Yes, and girls should learn about wet dreams. Single-sex briefings produce adults who find the other half of the population mysterious, and boys who understand periods are far less likely to be strange about them.

How do I make my child comfortable asking me things?

Have the conversations sideways, in the car, walking, washing up, instead of face to face. Don’t laugh and don’t visibly panic, since both close the subject. Say you don’t know when you don’t, and look it up together. And never defer indefinitely.

What to remember

Many small conversations, starting at two with the correct words, not one talk at twelve.

The critical window is nine to twelve: puberty before it starts, and pornography before they find it.

Answer only what was asked, in the car, not across a table, and never laugh or panic.

And tell teenagers the legal position on images. Almost none of them know it.