Surviving the child terror

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They invade your privacy, disturb your peace and take away your well-earned freedom, but you can still survive child terror. Here's how.

Parents beware. Child terror is real.

They lurk in the hidden nooks and crannies of your house, surfacing only to leave destruction and despair in their wake. They invade your privacy, disturb your peace and take away your well-earned freedom. They deceive with smiles and innocence, throwing your emotions in turmoil. 

Common symptoms include: stress, anxiety, loss of sleep and frequent trips to the zoo. Some call them parasites; others term them as ‘terrors’. However, they are more commonly known to society as ‘children’.

Don’t Panic

If you find yourself with the above mentioned symptoms, don’t panic, it is possible that you have a ‘child’ in the household. Like a Black Widow awaits its prey on a web, so does a child make its domain in your house.  True to their parasitic nature, children depend on their parents for everything. Over time, you may find yourself feeding and clothing the child. It may even become second nature to you. To quote an unnamed middle aged lady who wrote to us:

“I was supposed to be rich and famous, married to Bono and living in the Bahamas! Instead I find myself fetching these so-called ‘children’ to school every day and giving whatever money I have to underperforming math tutors. What has my life become?”

Unfortunately, her situation is not uncommon and her grief is shared by what has become an alarmingly increasing trend of ‘housewives’.

As it happens, there are concrete steps to take to deal with the dangers of having children.

Seek refuge

The law of nature dictates that the prey always has a defence mechanism against the predator. Our advice is to observe and learn from a child’s habits. Children are commonly on the prowl between 9am to 9pm. We strongly suggest that parents seek refuge in their workplaces or even their bedrooms during that crucial period.

Past 9pm, emerge silently from your place of refuge to scour the kitchen for dinner or to spend time with your equally terrified spouse. Keep the noise level minimal, let sleeping children lie.

Placate the child

It is strongly suggested that parents keep their children happy and hence harmless. Sure your morals frown upon bribery, but as Charles Darwin would say, there is little place for morals in the survival of the fittest. Therefore, be sure to placate the cranky child with a McDonald’s treat, or a movie outing every now and then. Keep the kid distracted and satisfied.

Bond with the child

Perhaps the most dangerous tactic, bonding keeps you in range of the child yet it has the chance to reap tremendous advantages. Spend time with the child.

Read, play and learn with it. Develop a semblance of trust between the two of you. What you should aim for is a kind of ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ situation where the predator develops sympathy for the victim. This gives you the upper hand and ultimately ensures your survival in the long run.

In the end...

Surveys have noted that certain parents show positive mentalities towards children in the household. Reports show that upon the child’s maturation and eventual departure from said household, parents feel a sense of ‘pride’ and (in some rare cases) ‘fulfilment’.

Several parents were quoted saying statements such as “it was all worth it in the end” or “now I can’t wait for grandchildren”. Thus is the cycle of life...

Also read: How do you discipline a child who insists on constantly breaking the rules?