How to communicate effectively in your marriage

Some think that communicating is easy breezy, but it isn’t as easy as you think it is. It’s a two way street and we want to give you a refresher course to unblock those clogged communication channels.

A lot is taken for granted when communicating; we want to help change that. The way you talk to each other will be the make or break of the relationship. So let’s help you increase your intimacy and trust levels.

1. Clarity

It’s important to be completely open with each other. In this case, be clear and not convoluted. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind—no matter how long you’ve been together. Men and women just don’t think alike.

Speaking in an encrypted language ridden with hints and secret expectations will make the situation worse. So, say what you mean and mean what you say. Basically, lay all your cards on the table.

2. Stick to your word

Whatever you’ve said you’d do—deliver. Trust is built and maintained that way.

3. Never dismiss your own emotions

Guess what happens if you don’t voice out your thoughts and feelings? Resentment will start to fester and you might expect your spouse to notice a change but that may not happen unless you…tell him/her everything that is happening internally.

Own what you feel and think. Have the courage to express it. Harbouring is never good for the relationship as it only leads to you feeling like a martyr. You can validate your own thoughts, emotions and experiences but your spouse should listen and understand. Remember, this goes both ways so give your hubby or wifey the same right. Acknowledge and never put your partner down.

4. Respect

This goes both ways. Once you lose respect for each other, you’re in grave trouble.

5. Find out the full story before exploding

Whenever you assume, you make an ass of u and me. It’s quite true. Learn the whole truth, all sides of the story when facing an issue. Try and put your assumptions and predictions aside and don’t explode—instead, dialogue and discuss.

6. Meet needs

It’s hard to meet all needs. So what do you do when your other half is not delivering? Don’t criticize, blame or complain. Instead, try making a simple request. Sometimes, your partner may not even be aware of your need. So, the next time you’re unsatisfied, make it known and let your spouse know what he/she can do differently.

7. Listen, listen, listen

You need to listen with your whole being. Not just hear what your spouse is saying while preparing your own response in your head. Your non-verbals should show that you are interested in his/her story, turn and face your partner and don’t cross your arms or legs. Be open.

Say things like "Yes, I understand. Tell me more." To make sure you have truly understood each other, try to paraphrase what your partner has expressed. It can go like this: "OK, from what I understand, you mean…"

8. Everything plays a part

Communicating is not just about talking at each other—you speak to each other and use your body language effectively. This includes eye contact, bodily cues, tone, pitch, choice of words and your stance. Take turns to talk and listen. Also, try to choose a time when you’re both cool and calm. It is hard for words to get across when both parties are heated up.

9. Never accuse

It will be a never-ending argument if all you can do is accuse each other. How do you end this vicious cycle? Simply switch to using "I" instead of "you". This sort of language can make each party feel less of a need to be defensive.

Here’s an example, instead of saying: "You’re always home late or never home for dinner!" say, "I feel disappointed that I spent all this time preparing a nice meal for us, only to eat it alone." So he/she will not feel personally attacked, but your partner will know exactly what and how you’re feeling.

10. Don’t bring up past and buried sore spots

This one needs no explanation. Leave resolved matters in the past. Don’t bring back the dead.

11. One topic at a go

Some couples start their discussion about the lack of money and then they may move on to in-law issues and at the end—nothing is resolved. Stick to one topic until you find a conclusion, this will lessen stress levels and the decision will be reached sooner.

12. Think before spewing

Always remember that you can’t take back what you’ve said. The hurt can be permanent. Control your emotions and thoughts, you don’t want to regret when it’s too late.

13. Love and forgive

By now you’ve learnt that your partner is not perfect. But you have chosen to go through thick and thin with him/her. So do and say everything out of the love in your heart and if mistakes are made—forgive. Easier said than done, but you can do it, with enough effort.

14. Regular bonding

Every married couple needs that date night every now and then to reconnect, rekindle and fall in love all over again—especially after the arrival of kid(s). Never stop sharing your inner thoughts and feelings with each other. No thought, idea or dream is too small or big to share.

15. Patience and empathy

Put yourself in his/her shoes and be patient when you cannot find a way to accept where he/she is coming from. These two qualities go a long way.

Written by

Felicia Chin

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