Kate Pang Recalls Wanting to Throw Her Baby Against the Wall as She Struggled With Postnatal Blues
"I actually wanted to murder my child."
Having a child is supposed to be a joyful event, but for new mothers, it can also be a stressful one.
And it’s no different for celebrities either. Taiwan-born local actress Kate Pang shared in an Instagram post today (Sept 29), that “there are tears people don’t see”, in regard to having a baby.
Married to Singaporean actor Andie Chen, the 37-year-old recalled her experience of suffering from postnatal depression while taking care of her firstborn son, Aden.
She shared that when Aden was born, she opted to stay with her sister instead of hiring a confinement lady in order to save money.
“I felt miserable every day in confinement because Aden would cry for milk after waiting for more than an hour but I did not have much breast milk to give,” she said.
Like every other parent, she struggled with putting her newborn son to sleep, and even after doing so, could not catch a break before he woke up again.
It was impossible for her to sleep continuously for two hours, and her only respite was when her son had to be hospitalised for three days due to jaundice.
However, once he was discharged from the hospital, not only was she unable to supply enough breast milk for him, her cracked and bleeding nipples added to the difficulty.
“I was filled with fear whenever I had to breastfeed or shower,” she confided in her post. “People who have never experienced cracked nipples before will never be able to understand how painful it is.”
Her pain was compounded by the fact that she also wasn’t able to sit down and eat a proper meal during those days as she dealt with haemorrhoids from delivering her baby.
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拥有孩子，是一件非常幸福的事，但也有很多别人看不见的泪水。 – 记得刚生完A等的时候，为了省钱，没有请月嫂，住在姐姐家，当时安迪在马来西亚拍戏。 – 坐月子的每一天，我都很痛苦，因为A等一个多小时就会哭着要喝奶，但是我根本没有那么多奶水，每次喂奶也是要喂个40分钟，好不容易把他哄到睡着，可以喘口气，吃点东西，准备要休息的时候，他又醒了。 – 连续睡2个小时，对我来说几乎是不可能的事，唯一可以好好休息的三天，就是A等黄疸住院的那三天。但是一出院，母奶又不够他喝了，不但挤不出足够的奶，乳头也炸开流血，每天喂奶跟洗澡的时候，我都充满恐惧，没有裂过乳头的人，真的无法明白有多痛，再加上生产时的痔疮，我没有一天可以好好坐着吃饭。 – 记得有一天半夜，A等又哭了，到底为什么哭？我不知道，我真的累坏了，我只记得我突然脑海出现一个画面，就是把A等狠狠丢在墙上，这一切就结束了。我竟然想杀死我的孩子。 – 之后伴随的是我的一声尖叫，姐姐赶快从房间冲出来，问我怎么了，我崩溃的说我真的受不了了，姐姐赶快把孩子抱走，哄着不停哭的A等，我一个人在房间，也哭着不知道自己怎么了，我的人生怎么会这么不受控。 – 就这样，撑了一个月，有姐姐的随时支援，加上我疯狂上网爬文，打电话问其他是过来人的妈妈，求助母乳协会，最后终于能顺利亲喂母乳，也开始比较可以掌握孩子的作息跟情绪，我真的拨云见日了。 – 这只是带孩子的一个插曲和过程，我走过来了，但我相信很多妈妈还在痛苦的深渊，也有些妈妈没有办法走过，这是我们最不希望看到的结果。 – 请大家一定要重视产后忧郁症，请关心身边的每一位母亲，不是每一个母亲都会跟我一样尖叫，突然沉默不语，也可能是一种求救讯号。 – 真心祈祷每一位母亲都可以享受孩子所带来的快乐，所有的辛苦，都只是人生的一个小小插曲。 – 我们一起加油💪🏻！我们可以走过的！ – #产后忧郁症 #请大家不要忽视 #生完小孩真的不知道自己是谁了 #心疼每一位无助的母亲
“I remembered one day in the middle of the night, Aden was crying and I didn’t know why. I was just really exhausted. I only recalled an image appearing in my head, one where I threw Aden against the wall, and it would all be over,” Kate wrote. “I actually wanted to murder my child.”
Kate went on to say that she let out a sharp scream afterwards and broke down, uttering that she could not “take it anymore”. Her sister then took Aden away while she was left crying in the room alone.
However, with her sister’s support, in addition to calling other mothers and a breastfeeding support group for help, a month passed and Kate eventually managed to breastfeed smoothly and had a better grasp of Aden’s needs. “I finally saw the light,” she wrote.
While she managed to overcome this episode, she believes that there are many mothers who are still “trapped in pain” and feeling helpless or worse, that they’re unable to pull through.
She urged the public to pay attention to postnatal depression signs and to take care of mothers around them, as distress signals may not come in the form of screams but also silence.
“I sincerely pray that every mother can enjoy the happiness a child brings. All the hardship experienced is just a small episode in life.”
This article was first published in AsiaOne and republished on theAsianparent with permission.
Lead image source from Instagram / katepang311