It’s highly likely that your spouse had sex with previous partners before you. And for a lot of people, this sexual past can be unpleasant to think about, let alone discuss.
Maybe they’ve had more colourful sexual experiences than you’ve had, maybe not. But no matter what their experiences were, what happened to your spouse in the past is your responsibility to get over.
Let’s face it: sometimes it’s not easy to deal with your partner’s sexual past. You may feel jealous or inadequate or insecure.
The thing is, you can get over it. It’s possible that we’re just hard-wired to get rid of sexual competitors. But we can control this impulse, and we can even learn from it and improve our relationship.
Here’s what you have to remember regarding your partner’s sexual past.
Ways to deal with your partner’s sexual past
1. This is your issue
The first thing you have to remember is this is your issue. Your jealousy is your responsibility. You cannot make your partner feel guilty about something that doesn’t really affect the present. Don’t stew in your feelings. Do something and move on.
2. Nothing can be done about the past
If you don’t like it, what can you do about it? What can they do about it? You can’t just go back in time and change the past.
So with regards to time, all you need is the time to deal with it. Remember it all happened before you met, and it can’t be undone.
3. They didn’t know you when it happened
It had nothing to do with you because they didn’t know you then. That’s their business.
4. Your relationship now is what’s important
If everything about them worked for you before you knew about their sexual past, then that’s what matters. It’s about your relationship now and how your spouse treats you in the now. If you think they’re not treating you right in the present, then that could be a cause for your misgivings that’s tied to their sexual past.
5. It’s part of who they are
If you’ve decided that you love your partner, then you must love them in their entirety, past, present, and future. Their past made them who they are now — the person you love. To punish your partner about their past just sends the message that you don’t really love them, or that you are selective about your “love.”
Their past can’t hurt you. | Photo: iStock
6. Their honesty is a good sign
Barring any STDs, your partner’s sexual past is their business and theirs alone. When they tell you about it, they trust you enough to be honest to you. This honesty nurtures an open line of communication between the two you.
Be honest, but be mindful of your feelings, words, and actions when you start communicating your misgivings about your partner’s sexual past. Don’t just irrationally blame your partner for your feelings regarding their past behaviour.
7. More experience means better sex
If you’re with someone who’s had a long (and perhaps rich) sexual history, that can just mean they know enough about sex to be a lot better at it. Count yourself lucky: these past experiences could enrich your sexual life together, and you don’t have to deal with their awkward phase.
8. Control your jealousy
Jealousy, perhaps in tiny amounts, can show your partner how much you want them. But only as long as the jealousy is reasonable. If you’re jealous about your partner’s flirtatious friend, go ahead, be jealous. But being jealous of ghosts of your partner’s sexual past? Don’t. It’s not reasonable.
9. Be the best for each other
It doesn’t matter if they’ve had sex in ways that you can only get jealous about. The ball is now in your court: you are your partner’s present. Make this the best you’ve both had. It’s not about how a person has sex, it’s about intimacy, love, and connection.
10. Engage yourself and your partner
This jealousy about your partner’s past is a result of an inactive mind trying to focus on something that isn’t even there. So try to do something. Move. Engage yourself and each other. Be committed to spending time together and making new memories that are better than either of you have ever had.
Love them as a whole
If you know your partner and you trust them, you don’t have to worry about their past affecting your present or your future together. Don’t think in terms of “promiscuity” or “insatiable sexual appetites.” That’s just distancing yourself from the person you know now and trying to possess a part of themselves (their past) that you have no control over. Focus on the now.
What’s more, love your partner in their entirety. Their past belongs to them and no one else. It’s part of them. So love them as a whole.
Source: Good Men Project
YOU CAN ALSO READ: Healthy and unhealthy jealousy in marriage: What’s the difference?