"My Son Ignores Me": What's Usually Going On

One of our dads is upset as his son always ignores him. Read the advice given by our readers.

Before treating this as defiance, rule out the two things that look exactly like it.

1. Hearing. Glue ear, fluid behind the eardrum, is common in young children, often has no other symptoms, and muffles precisely the frequencies speech occupies. It’s treatable and it’s missed constantly. A newborn hearing screen doesn’t settle it, because hearing changes.

2. Attention. A young child deeply absorbed in something doesn’t process an instruction called from another room. That isn’t selective hearing; it’s how attention works at that age.

Get the hearing checked before concluding anything, particularly if a toddler doesn’t consistently respond to their name.

How instructions land

Most “he ignores me” is a delivery problem, and it’s fixable in a week.

Go to them. Don’t shout from the kitchen. Instructions delivered across a flat are background noise.
Get down to their level and into their line of sight.
Say their name and wait for a response: eye contact, or a “yeah”. Don’t proceed until you have it.
One instruction. “Put your shoes on.” Not “put your shoes on, get your bag, and don’t forget your water bottle”. Young children lose the chain after the first item.
Ask them to say it back. Two seconds, and it converts hearing into processing.
Give a warning before transitions. “Two more minutes, then shoes.” Most refusal is about the abruptness, not the task.

The pattern underneath

Ask yourself: what proportion of what you say to your child is an instruction or a correction?

If nearly every exchange is “put that down”, “hurry up”, “not like that”, a child learns that your voice signals demand, and tunes it out as a matter of efficiency. Nagging works the same way; the tenth repetition carries less weight than the first, not more.

The fix isn’t more volume. It’s more exchanges that ask nothing: noticing something, asking about something they care about, a joke. A child who gets those will respond to the instructions.

When ignoring is avoidance

Sometimes a child hears perfectly well and doesn’t want to engage, and it helps to know why:

Shame. A child who did badly at something avoids the person who will ask about it.
Dread of the answer. “How was school?” is unanswerable if school is going badly.
Previous reactions. If they told you the truth last time and got a lecture, the next answer will be a shrug.
Overwhelm. A tired, overloaded child shuts down instead of arguing.

All four respond to the same thing: reduce the pressure of the interaction, ask about something else, and let them come back.

Teenagers

A teenager who tells you less is developing normally, and the pursuit dynamic is the trap: the more you ask, the less you get, and the less you get, the more you ask.

Be available, not inquisitive. Teenagers talk late at night, and to whoever is still up.
Sideways beats face-to-face. In the car, walking, washing up. Direct questioning across a table gets monosyllables.
Don’t react to the opening line. It’s a test of the reception before they decide whether to say the rest.
Keep one shared thing: a series, a sport, a lift somewhere. Conversation needs a pretext.
Ask specific questions, not general ones. “What was annoying today?” beats “how was school?”
Headphones are a boundary, not necessarily a rejection. Tap the shoulder instead of escalating.

When to get it looked at

A toddler who doesn’t respond consistently to their name, or who doesn’t point, show you things or share attention
Any suspicion of hearing loss: turning the TV up, mishearing, speech that’s hard to understand
Loss of skills previously present, at any age: urgent
Consistent difficulty starting or staying with tasks, across settings and over months
Withdrawal alongside low mood, sleep or appetite change, or dropping activities they used to enjoy
A sudden change in a previously communicative child, which is more often about something that has happened than about attitude

Frequently asked questions

Why does my child ignore me?

Often it isn’t ignoring. Get hearing checked first. Glue ear is common, frequently symptomless and easily missed. Then consider attention: a young child absorbed in something doesn’t process an instruction shouted from another room. After that, it’s usually a delivery problem, not defiance.

How should I give instructions?

Go to them instead of calling from another room, get to their level, say their name and wait for a real response before continuing, give one instruction at a time, and ask them to repeat it back. Warn before transitions. Most refusal is about the abruptness, not the task.

Does nagging work?

No. The tenth repetition means less than the first. If nearly every exchange with your child is an instruction or correction, they learn that your voice means demand and tune it out. More exchanges that ask nothing is what restores the response to the ones that do.

My teenager barely speaks to me. Is that normal?

Yes. A teenager who tells you less is developing normally, and pursuit makes it worse. Be available, not inquisitive, talk sideways rather than face to face, don’t react to the opening line, and keep one shared activity so conversation has a pretext.

When should I worry?

A toddler who doesn’t respond consistently to their name or share attention by pointing and showing; any suspicion of hearing loss; loss of previously acquired skills at any age, which is urgent; persistent difficulty starting tasks across settings; or withdrawal alongside low mood and dropped activities.

What if my child is avoiding me instead of ignoring me?

Common reasons are shame about something that went badly, dread of the question, a previous honest answer that produced a lecture, or simple overwhelm. All respond to lowering the pressure: ask about something else and let them come back.

What to do

Check hearing first. Glue ear looks exactly like this and is treatable.

Then fix the delivery: go to them, get their name acknowledged, one instruction, have it repeated back. Stop shouting from another room.

And count how much of what you say is a demand. A child who only ever hears instructions stops listening to them.