The point of Mother’s Day is simple enough, to celebrate and honour the mother in the family.
The act of mothering a child can become a shared responsibility within the household for a variety of reasons, such as women’s participation in the workforce.
In some families, this may equate to the hiring of foreign helpers.
So the role played by these women within the domestic sphere in Singapore should not be understated.
Their involvement as part of the Singapore family nucleus can also add a layer of complexity to relationships with their employer’s children.
AsiaOne had the opportunity to speak to two Indonesian domestic helpers, Partiyah and Patiatun, who shared the experience of what it’s like to raise children who aren’t their own.
The two women also opened up about the sacrificial element of leaving one’s children behind and the pains of missing their growing up years.
When My Son Was One
Before her son’s second birthday, Partiyah’s husband died of a traffic accident.
Just like that, she became the sole breadwinner of the family.
This was almost two decades ago, when she was working as a domestic helper in her home country, Indonesia.
She told AsiaOne that the move to Singapore happened in November 2013.
When asked about the reasons behind wanting to work in Singapore, Partiyah let out an instinctive chuckle.
Almost as if to say, “what choice did I have?”
The 51-year-old proceeded to respond that her employer’s family was relocating from Jakarta to Singapore, and they were keen on bringing her along.
Partiyah’s son was eight back then and did not fully comprehend her departure.
His mum did, though.
“It was a heavy feeling, the thought of leaving my son behind. But if I did not do this, then who? I did it for his future,” Partiyah explained.
She took a second to gather her thoughts before sharing that she was aware how moving to Singapore would mean having to miss milestones in her son’s growing up years.
“Seeing him develop and grow, whether it was in school or whatsoever, I didn’t get a chance to see it with my own eyes,” she said.
‘I don’t feel qualified’
Image Source: AsiaOne
But physical distance was not going to be an obstacle when it came to keeping the mother-son relationship going.
Every single day, over the last 11 years, Partiyah would text or call her son, even if it’s just to find out how his day went.
Being emotionally connected to him was important for Partiyah.
He was the only child in the family and his dad had long passed on.
“If not me, then who?” she asked aloud.
It wasn’t the first time Partiyah had used this phrase to explain her actions and I began to understand how she sees responsibilities as a caregiver and mother.
Her eyes welled up as she recalled a recent conversation with her son.
She shared: “He told me he wanted to get a job soon so that I don’t have to work and I can be with the family.”
Despite the sacrifices she’s made to seek a better future for her son, there seemed to be a tinge of imposter syndrome within Partiyah when she opened up about being a mum.
She struggled to find the words when asked what motherhood meant to her.
“It’s so difficult because I myself did not raise my child. I don’t feel qualified to answer [your question],” Partiyah said.
For the Children
Fellow domestic helper Patiatun’s journey to Singapore wasn’t too dissimilar to that of Partiyah.
She, too, arrived in Singapore in her 40s.
This was six years ago, and the 50-year-old has not returned to see her family since.
Patiatun told AsiaOne that life would’ve been harder had she had stayed at home in Indonesia without work.
Wanting to secure a better financial standing for her family outweighed the pain of being away from her children, she explained.
When asked if she had ever considered a return home, the mother of three simply replied: “I will do so when I have enough money.”
Like all sacrifices, they come with challenges, and the biggest one for Patiatun was having to leave her sons behind.
She shared how her youngest son, who is now nine, would often seek details about her potential return.
“When are you coming home?” he’d asked.
Whenever she or her husband provided an answer, such as a year, the young boy would want to know how many days there are in a year.
Having to verbalise these thoughts during our interview brought her to tears.
In spite of all the challenges, she had no regrets about coming to Singapore.
Patiatun said: “I had no choice. I left not because I didn’t love [my children]. I left because I love them.”
Newfound Family
The juxtaposition of raising another family’s children while your own kids are growing up without their mother is the reality of many domestic helpers in Singapore.
In Patiatun’s case, she’s grateful to have found a family away from home in Singapore.
She is currently employed by a Singaporean couple residing in an HDB flat located in the east, and part of her work responsibilities includes taking care of their two children, a three-year-old girl and a four-year-old boy.
Given that Patiatun entered their lives when one was just two weeks old and the other a year old, it’s no wonder she dotes on them like her own.
She giggled while revealing: “I don’t have a daughter so the young girl is like my own child. I love her more than him!”
Whenever the young girl gets chided by her parents, Patiatun admitted that she can’t bear to watch it happen and would often avoid the situation altogether.
The loss of not being able to see her kids on a daily basis is something Patiatun has, unfortunately, learned to lived with.
It hasn’t made her feel any less of a mother, though.
In her eyes, loving one’s children selflessly is non-negotiable for a mother.
As she put it: “A mother’s love knows no bounds.”
This article was first published in AsiaOne and republished on theAsianparent with permission.
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