No parent will ever enjoy being the “bad guy”. However, during your experiences as a parent, you may have noticed that you’ve occasionally lashed out at your kids in frustration or in an effort to get them to do as you say. Sure, it seems like the logical thing to do to bring attention to your commands, but Licensed Clinical Social Worker Amy Morin believes that yelling can actually do more harm than good. Yelling, according to Morin, is a “discipline strategy that can actually make behaviour problems worse.”
“Yelling at kids can cause them to tune you out. In the long-run, it can lead to even more behaviour problems,” says Morin. “Another problem with yelling is that it doesn’t teach kids how to manage their behaviour better.”
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For experts like Morin, the goal is to teach your children how to resolve problems practically and peacefully. If you are not displaying this ideology, however, your kids will only learn through your actions and do as you do.
If you want your kids to display better behaviour, one effective way is to lead by example. Nix the yelling and resolve conflicts and behaviour problems with a calm, collected demeanour.
Check out Morin’s list of 6 ways to reprimand kids without yelling:
1. Establish clear rules
The easiest way to avoid yelling is to create an environment in which yelling is not necessary. If you’ve established a clear and comprehensible set of ground rules that your children can abide, you’ll be less likely to yell or enforce stern discipline.
Let your children know what you expect of them by reminding them of your guidelines. Morin encourages parents to “keep a written list of household rules prominently displayed.”
2. Discuss negative consequences ahead of time
Not only do you have to establish the rules and guidelines, like in entry #1, but you must also establish a corresponding set of consequences. Help your children to understand that good or bad, their actions have consequences, so if they disobey the rules or get out of hand, they’ll know exactly whats in store.
If your kids know what disciplinary actions are coming their way if they break a rule, it eliminates any spontaneity and the likelihood that you’ll need to combust in a bout of yelling. Morin suggests parents “plan ahead about how to handle misbehaviour. Having a plan can help you respond to behaviour problems with effective consequences instead of yelling.”
3. Positive reinforcement
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“Motivate your child to follow the rules by using positive reinforcement. If there are negative consequences for breaking the rules, there should also be positive consequences for following the rules,” says Morin.
If you’re comfortable distributing consequences for bad behaviour, you should also be comfortable giving praise for good behaviour. Avoid yelling all together by having your children influenced to strive for good behaviour on the household.
Morin also suggests implementing a reward system if our children still struggle to meet your expectations of good behaviour. “Reward systems can help turn around behaviour problems fast,” she claims.
4. Think about why you’re yelling
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As mentioned earlier, sometimes parents lash out at kids due to sheer frustration. Obviously, this is wildly unfair to the child and is a poor display of parenting and maturity. If you ever find yourself yelling or raising your voice to your kids, make sure it’s for a good reason. Take the time to understand why you’re yelling and to what avail. “Take a self-time out or control any upsetting thoughts and wait until you can discipline your child calmly,” Morin suggests.
“If you’re yelling because you feel your child isn’t listening, try new strategies that will get your child’s attention. Giving your child a negative consequence will be much more effective than raising your voice,” she adds.
5. Offer appropriate warnings at appropriate times
“Yelling often leads to a power struggle. The more you yell at a child to do something, the more he’s likely to dig in his heels and behave defiantly. However, providing a warning that you plan to enforce shows your child that you’re serious,” Morin claims.
Know when and when not to offer a warning to your child. If your kid isn’t listening to the first time you ask him to do something, give him a warning. Also, try to avoid giving out inappropriate warnings and empty consequences.
6. Follow through
One of the most important tips Morin can offer is the concept of following through. If you distribute consequences to your child, it’s imperative that they know that you will undoubtedly follow through with your words. If you don’t, your kids will begin to think that you don’t mean what you say and will believe they can get away with anything with no consequence. As a result, you’ll find yourself yelling and raising your voice way more than needed!
“Avoid nagging or repeating a warning over and over. Instead, follow through with the consequence to show that you mean what you say. If you don’t feel like the consequences you are using are effective, try a different consequence next time,” Morin advises.
“Follow through consistently to show your child that his behaviour is unacceptable. Consistent discipline is the key to getting your child to change his behaviour and become more compliant,” she adds.
This article was based on Amy Morin’s list published by Very Well.
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