"After I Gave Birth, My Husband Became Self-Centered and Unsupportive. What Should I Do?"

It’s normal for many new mothers to feel resentment towards their husbands. However, sometimes your partner’s carelessness can endanger your relationship.

After giving birth, it’s normal for many new mothers to feel resentment towards their husbands. It could be postpartum depression, it could be sleepiness, but if you find yourself feeling disproportionally angry towards your husband for small things, it’s probably just the post-baby crankiness. However, sometimes your partner’s words and actions can be really hurtful, putting your relationship in jeopardy, like what one anonymous theAsianparent Community user experienced:

“Ever since I gave birth to our first child, my husband has been self-centered. He would go for a massage at TCM [Singapore College of Traditional Chinese Medicine], complaining of backaches while I was feeling sore and tired after childbirth. After giving birth, he would go to TCM every week to treat his backache, which was very mild prior to childbirth. Then he started telling my friends I have post-natal blues, but when I ran away from home one day because I was feeling stressed and unloved, he just went to take a nap. However, he was telling everyone how concerned he was. I’m now pregnant with my second child and he’s going to TCM even before I deliver, claiming he has sever backaches. But he’s been doing pull-ups with a new pull-up bar he purchased and going to the gym. I’m giving up. I’m prepared for divorce. We’ve been through counselling but the sessions are expensive. Every cent counts as we are financially strapped too.”

Without knowing all the details of the relationship, it’s tough to give advice on what this user should do, but the theAsianparent Community community rallied behind this mother, offering words of support.

1. Show him positive examples of fatherhood.

Founder of theAsianparent Roshni Mahtani wrote that maybe the husband could use some more positive dad role models: “Maybe he needs to be exposed to more hands-on daddies? How about getting him to also join theAsianparent Community on the dads’ channel and be inspired by the dad role models here?”

Yes, he might be encouraged by good examples. However, chances are, if he feels like he’s being attacked, he won’t listen or change, so just gently nudge him towards the right direction if you want to salvage the relationship.

2. Remember that you don’t have to be alone.

“Please surround yourself with other mothers, friends, and family members who are supportive towards you,” wrote Emelie T. It’s important to feel supported, especially during and immediately after a pregnancy, and if your partner is not providing that support, you can turn to family and close friends. You don’t have to be alone.

3. Take care of yourself.

“If your mind is made up about divorce even after counselling, go ahead with your decision and make your life happier,” one anonymous theAsianparent Community user wrote. “I believe your kids wouldn’t want to see you living unhappily.”

While it’s important that we do everything we can to save a marriage, if your partner is not doing his part, separating might be the healthier option. Think about your decision carefully, and encourage him to stay in your children’s lives.

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Written by

Cristina Morales

Marriage