Anger management for parents

We live in a highly pressurised society where we are weighed down by the various demands put on us, often resulting in conflicts, tension and stress. We feel it even more when we are juggling our day jobs with parenting tasks at home.

It is often too easy to blow our top and take it out on our children. How do frazzled parents prevent anger from taking control over their sanity? Here are some useful tips to manage anger effectively.

#1 Keep your focus on the end result

When your child misbehaves incessantly despite your reprimands, take a step back and breathe. If necessary, walk out of the room for a few minutes to calm down and refocus. I know this sounds very simplistic but it works. The main thing here is not to let the whining, crying and tantrums get to you. Remember, you are still the parent. You have laid down the ground rules of expected good behaviour which have been clearly communicated to your child.

When you have composed yourself and are ready to confront your child, carry out the intended consequence or punishment that is fit for the "crime". Resist the temptation to give a more severe punishment due to your angered state of mind. For example, spilled milk on the floor does not warrant yelling and spanking. Rather, if your child is old enough, the punishment is for him or her to clean up the mess and apologize.

#2 Ask for help

When parenting young children, a parent may lack sleep and rest. Do not hesitate to ask for help. If you have parents or in-laws who are able to help, let them help. Likewise, if you have extended family members and close friends who are willing to babysit your child for a few hours, do not think twice about seeking their help. You can use the time to catch up on much needed sleep or just spend some time doing things you personally enjoy. It makes a world of a difference when you are rested and recharged. Your propensity to let anger take control of your mind will be greatly reduced.

#3 Schedule couple time

"What does that have to do with anger management?" Sometimes, when we are so busy being parents, we forget that we are first, that is, husbands and wives to our spouses. The responsibilities of parenting take a substantial amount of our time and we often neglect our spouses.

Hence, without realizing it, some of us may feel resentful towards our children and we start thinking about our "pre-children" days through rose-tinted glasses. That is why it is healthy for parents to schedule some time together as a couple and do things without the kids. It enables you to reconnect with your spouse and when you are back with your children, you can better appreciate them as you won't feel that they have total monopoly over your life!

#4 It’s just a thought!

Yes, anger is an emotion but it is amplified when we keep thinking about it. For example, you start to feel angry when your child annoys you. You think that your child is so selfish for not considering how tired you are after a long day at work. Then you find more reasons to justify your anger and even bring up unrelated matters.

The more you give anger attention, the greater it becomes. Hence, let’s do the opposite. As soon as you start feeling angry, tell yourself, "Yes, I am angry but I will relax and calm down. This is not such a big deal. I can handle this." Find yourself a phrase to repeat to yourself when you are angry to redirect your thoughts away from your anger. For me, I use "This too shall pass."

#5 Be spiritual

I’m not telling you to become a monk and move to a secluded place in the mountains. If you are practicing any religion, it is good to spend some time each day to pray and meditate on the teachings of your religion. Most religions teach a sense of well being and peace. This will help you keep a balanced perspective in life.

As a result, no matter what the external circumstances are, anger will not have a strong foothold in your life. If you do not have any affiliations to any religion, you can schedule some time each day to read a few pages of a motivational book and see if you can apply their ideas in your life. This practice will also enable you to see the big picture if and when anger threatens to cloud your judgment.

Benjamin Franklin once said, "Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one." Once we know the reason behind our anger (sometimes, it’s not our children’s bad behaviour which made us angry but rather, we have some unresolved anger from an incident at work/etc.), we can better deal with it.

We should strive to manage our anger effectively because our children do not deserve to be easy targets for us to unleash our anger. Think about it this way- you wouldn’t like it if you were at the receiving end, would you?

Written by

Jenny Toh

Parenting Woesparentinganger