Every parent wants the best for their child. Right from academics to extracurricular activities, you want to ensure that your little one is prepared and ready to take on all kinds of challenges that life throws at them.
And kudos to parents who go to great lengths to ensure that they make kids capable enough to tackle life on their own. Independence is an ever-evolving process and when you lay the right foundation, mums and dad can be certain kids will be responsible for the freedom.
Even then, sometimes the most well-intentioned statements can come across as rude or misleading for the child. These statements that we are talking about can be the opposite of encouraging independence and responsibility. It can do the exact opposite of activities that teach discipline.
That’s why experts suggest that parents may need to change their approach or at least the things they say. These statements may seem harmless but do not contribute towards making your child self-reliant.
So try to change what you say to foster independence and responsibility with your parenting. Here are five such statements that you should avoid.
1. “Work Hard Now Or Regret For The Rest Of Your Life”
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It’s not uncommon to see Kiasu parents use fear to motivate kids into doing something. Sadly, this works but the rewards are only momentary.
Motivating children with fear is one of the least effective ways to spark kids to complete a task. It can be detrimental for them. So, when children have been motivated with fear to complete a certain task, it adds to their stress levels.
Kids are then more focused on the result and your feedback on it as a parent, rather than learning and enjoying the process.
This especially holds in academics where kids may be given a hard goal that may or may not be achievable for them. However, the added pressure to succeed only worsens their learning process, sparking fear, anxiety, and stress.
Children usually do not have the foresight to think ahead. While that’s something parents know and understand, using it to motivate kids will only have a negative outcome in the long run.
What parents should say instead:
Instead of painting a negative picture against not completing an activity, you should encourage them towards achieving better productivity.
Say things like, “You haven’t mastered painting yet but you are getting better at it. You are making progress.”
Even with academics, you can talk about the positives. “It’s okay if you don’t understand math right away. You’ve finally understood addition and subtraction, and you should take it upon as a challenge to master other concepts as well. It’ll instil more confidence in you to be better at math.”
Experts also recommend checking kids with other activities beyond school and motivating them to remain interested in the same. When kids realise this, different tasks automatically turn into activities that teach discipline.
2. “It’s My Responsibility To Keep You Safe”
As much as we’d like them to stay little munchkins, kids grow up into functional adults, which is why you need to prepare them to be responsible people.
And you may need to forget from time to time that your child isn’t just a small bundle of joy. We understand that parents feel protective about kids no matter their age.
But you also need to stop handholding them after a certain period. It is one of the most ineffective activities that teach discipline.
As kids get older and find their independence, especially in secondary and high school, there is little opportunity for parents to be around them and keep them safe.
There’s no way you can track every second of their lives. But when you’re an overprotective parent, you make your child dependent on you for everything.
When a child thinks it is the parents’ job to keep them safe, they are more likely to behave recklessly, thinking that there is a larger safety net below them.
What parents should say instead:
Be open about the things that you like and the ones that bother you. Say, “I don’t like you coming home this late… Here’s why you need to be home within this hour…”
Let them make mistakes and learn from them. That process of falling and rising again will be a crucial contributor to their adult life.
Have an open discussion about things that you think maybe perceived incorrectly by your child. As parents, it’s okay to discuss what bothers you about your child’s activities or behaviour.
Tell them, “I am not comfortable with the way you are handling this. Can you please tell me how would you handle it further if things go bad?”
3. “This Punishment Is For Your Good”
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A common trope that parents often fall for. Telling your child that the punishment is “good for them” has only yielded bad results, research suggests.
Enforcing a punishment can be more about you having a sense of control rather than correcting the child. It can hurt your relationship with the kid in the long run.
It is also not one of the activities that teach discipline. It creates little motivation to improve or change behaviour.
What it does end up doing is create resentment in the child against the parent.
What parents should say instead:
Don’t force your opinion down their throat. The idea of a mistake should be to correct the child and make them into better humans. That won’t happen if your child isn’t listening to you.
Instead of punishing your child for their mistake, a more responsible approach would be to reason with them.
Tell them, “What you did today has upset me and I’m not okay with this behaviour. Can we talk about how you can handle situations like this better in the future?”
Talk to them about possible outcomes and even the consequences of their actions. Of course, this does not stress them but make them realise that mistakes have consequences. Reason with your child, so they are willing to see the big picture.
4. “The Main Problem For All Your Troubles Is That Phone”
If you grew up in the ’80s or ’90s, the smartphone wasn’t an integral part of your growing up process. On the flip side, it is a crucial part of your child’s life. From studies, social networking to learning about the world, it has quickly become a necessary device to stay connected with the world.
So dismissing it with blanket statements aren’t exactly helpful. When parents say things like these, it often comes across as rude and indifferent.
Your child’s virtual space is just as important as the real one. Unlike your time at a movie theatre, gaming arcade, or even the playground, your child is probably doing all of that at the convenience of their palm.
While we understand screen time concerns, do not be dismissive of the technology itself.
What parents should say instead:
Take some time out and understand what interests your child. Ask them about how they like to spend their time on the internet, the games they play, the people they follow and what books do they like to read.
Join them if something interests you. It’ll help you find a new perspective and you might even enjoy the whole thing.
At the same time, when you do need them to put the phone down, you can say, “How about trying another activity like reading a book or stepping outside for some time. You’ve been on the phone for a while now.”
Do remember, your child should not feel monitored when using their phone. Make it a more seamless process. Tell them, “Finish what you are currently doing on the phone and then take up another activity. Balance your screen time.”
5. “Don’t Jump On The Couch”
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Much like smartphones, physical play shouldn’t be stopped either because your child may hurt themselves. The idea is to create a more habitable environment for kids to play at home so they do not end up hurting themselves.
It also helps parents to bond with children when they are a part of the game. It helps create a bond between the parent and the child.
When parents ban kids from doing seemingly dangerous activities, you are stopping them from discovering self-regulation. For instance, jumping on the bed or couch could result in a fall. But it can also help children develop self-control.
When your kid falls for the first two times, they know it is bad. That’s why they are automatically thinking about safeguarding themselves and well regulate their jumping effort, space and speed to avoid that third fall.
What parents should say instead:
Of course, this does not mean you purposely put kids in tricky situations to teach them self-regulation. Let them get find their limits in activities that teach discipline.
Don’t ban them from doing things but create a framework instead on how they can make the most of things without ending up hurting themselves.
If they want to jump on the couch, tell them, “Do it only in the centre with the pillows around you.”
The child knows they have a limitation in place but can enjoy whatever they like at the moment. Odds are they will grow tired of it even before you know it.
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