An ordeal: 3 miscarriages
I asked why He was so cruel and did nothing when my baby’s heart stopped beating. I asked if my miscarriages were a punishment because I am not a good mother to my 7-year-old boy. I asked why He was so ruthless to a boy who yearned to have a sibling just like his friends.
“Why Lord why?”
It was one of my toughest walks with God. I could not understand why God thinks I can handle this trial. Through a person who did not know anything about me, God told me “a new life will birth forth.”
A new life.
I did not know what it meant. I only understood its meaning 5 years later.
Adoption after 3 miscarriages
When my husband and I decided that we would not try to get pregnant again, the idea of adopting a child came to me automatically. I am an adopted child myself and I was an assessor who worked in a Voluntary Welfare Organization (VWO) that helps to assess couples interested in adopting.
I know the guideline from the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) and have helped many clients adopt children from Singapore and overseas. Although I am very familiar with the process and thus at an advantage, we were faced with many hurdles being permanent residents, rather than citizens.
Due to all the restrictions, we were confined to adopt a local child. From my experience as an assessor, the chance of adopting a local child is rare. To adopt a local Chinese child is even more difficult, and for the child’s well being, we decided our adopted child should be of the same race. Hence, we would need to wait. Usually, it would be a long waiting period.
Due to personal beliefs, we decided that we would not adopt from the private adoption agencies in Singapore. There are children under MCYS’ care whom we could adopt. However we were not confident if our family could take up this challenge. It would not be right to “return” the child if it did not work out.
I dragged myself to do the assessment. I asked God what is the point of being assessed when I do not see the possibility of adopting a local Chinese child? As a matter of fact, why do I even need to be assessed when the assessment is not needed to adopt a local child?
Through someone, God revealed to me that I was focusing on the impossible circumstances instead of Him. “Begin with people and all circumstances, you will have a wrong view of God; begin with God, you will have the right view of everything. Difficult circumstances do not prevent God’s blessing.”
With the prompting and reassurance of the Holy Spirit, we submitted to God and went ahead with the application with a VWO. Half way through our assessment, our assessor told us that there was an unborn Chinese baby girl who may be given up for adoption.
The biological mother was not ready to be a parent and with the consent of her family, she decided to put her baby up for adoption. We were over the moon! My son was on cloud nine!
As the biological mother still has to the right to keep the baby, our assessor asked us to wait for the confirmation after she had given birth. Compared to others who had to wait for a year or years, we only waited 1 month. In this month, everything went really smoothly.
We brought our adopted daughter back when she was 2 days old. Yes, when she was 2 days old. God spared me the agony of waiting, the uncertainty and disappointment many adoptive parents have to face. If I had not obeyed the Holy Spirit’s prompting, I would have missed His blessing.
“His will must be done in His way and in His timing.”
It was when I looked at my 4-day old adopted daughter, sleeping soundly in the cot, that my tears started rolling down my cheeks. Sitting on the floor, hugging my legs, I started to weep uncontrollably. How could I explain what had happened? It just happened too quickly and smoothly. I started to ask God again.
“Why me Lord, why me? What did I do to deserve this new life from you?”
“Because I love you.” This sentence kept coming to me as I wept. It was my tears of joy as God affirmed His love for me. It also dawned on me how unworthy I was to receive such a wonderful new life from Him. What rights do I have?
After 3 miscarriages…it’s purely His love and grace
My daughter, Mikaela, is going to be 1 year old soon. She is a cheerful girl who brings a lot of joy to our family, especially my son, Joseph, who adores her. The name Mikaela carries the meaning of “Who is like God?”
Indeed, who is like God? My God. He is my comforter when I am sad. He is an amazing God who works in ways I do not see. He is the God who provides in His prefect timing. He is the Mighty God who can do the impossible. He is the God who chooses to stay faithful when I doubt him.
“Who among the gods is like you, O Lord? Who is like you – majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?” (Exodus 15:11)
Is my daughter a replacement of my 3 unborn babies from God? No. Not because she is not my biological child. It is because God had never granted her to me as His second best. She is a jewel among jewels. I still think of my darlings in heaven.
I still do not understand why but I choose to believe “the secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law” (Deuteronomy 29:29).
God also says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Hence, a new life, a baby, has birth forth in an amazing way. Yet, I believe that there is another meaning to this new life. It is also a new transformed life that has birth forth through me. It is a new life that chooses to cling to God even though I have so many questions and doubt. It is a new life that trusts that God does not make mistakes and has the best plan for me. It is a new life that believes in reaching out to others despite of my own pain and sorrow.
Hebrews 10:36 says, “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”
I have indeed humbly received what God had promised me, a new life.
Testifying God’s love.