20 Things We Say To Our Children Too Often (And What To Say Instead)

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Most of these come out automatically, which is exactly the problem. None of them make you a bad parent. Every one of them has been said in every household. But each teaches something slightly different from what was intended.

Things we say about feelings


Instead of	Try	Why
“Stop crying”	“I can see you’re upset. Tell me.”	Crying is how small children discharge distress. Stopping it teaches concealment, not calm.
“You’re okay!” (after a fall)	“That looked like it hurt.”	You’re contradicting what they feel. Children then stop trusting their own read on their bodies, and that counts later, when something is wrong.
“Don’t be scared”	“That’s scary. I’m here.”	Fear doesn’t respond to instruction. Acknowledgement shrinks it faster than denial.
“Big boys don’t cry”	Nothing. Delete it.	The single most reliable way to raise a man who can’t say what’s wrong.
“It’s not a big deal”	“That’s really annoying.”	It’s a big deal to them. Being told your feelings are the wrong size is how children learn not to mention them.
“Nothing” (when they ask what’s wrong)	“I’m frustrated about work. It’s not about you.”	They can see something is wrong. Denying it teaches that feelings are secret, and often that they caused it.

Things we say about behaviour


Instead of	Try	Why
“Why did you do that?”	“What happened?”	Young children don’t know why. The question is unanswerable, so it produces either silence or an invented reason.
“You’re naughty” / “You’re so lazy”	“Throwing the blocks isn’t allowed.”	Labels attach to the child and stick. Name the behaviour, which is the thing that can change.
“Because I said so”	The actual reason, once.	Children who know why a rule exists apply it when you aren’t there. Children who don’t, don’t.
“I’m counting to three”	Say what happens, then do it.	Only works if something follows the three. Most families’ counting has no consequence attached, and children work that out quickly.
“Wait till your father gets home”	Deal with it now.	Delayed consequences don’t connect for young children, and it makes one parent into a threat.
“If you don’t come now, I’m leaving you here”	“I’m going to count to five and then I’ll carry you.”	Being abandoned is a small child’s largest fear. It works once and costs more than it gains.
“You always” / “You never”	“This morning, you…”	Almost never true, and it describes a character, not an incident.
“I’m disappointed in you”	“I didn’t like what you did.”	The first says the problem is who they are.

Things we say when we’re being nice


Instead of	Try	Why
“Good job!”	“You kept going even when it was hard.”	Generic praise gives no information. Describing what they did tells them what to repeat.
“You’re so clever”	“You worked really hard at that.”	Praising fixed ability tends to make children avoid difficult tasks, because failure would then mean they aren’t clever after all. Praising effort points at something they control.
“You’re the best in the class”	“You’ve got much better at this.”	Comparison-based praise disappears the moment someone is better, and someone always is.
“Look at how well your cousin did”	Nothing.	Comparison to a sibling or cousin is remembered for decades and motivates nobody.
“Say sorry”	“What could you do to make it better?”	A compelled apology teaches the word, not the repair.

Things we say a hundred times a day


Instead of	Try	Why
“Be careful!”	“Hold the rail with both hands.”	“Be careful” isn’t actionable, and said constantly it becomes background noise, and slightly anxious background noise at that.
“Hurry up!”	“Two more minutes, then shoes.”	Children have almost no sense of elapsed time. A warning works where urgency doesn’t.
“In a minute” (meaning twenty)	“When I finish this, which is about ten minutes.”	Small dishonesty, repeated, and children learn to discount what you say.
“Don’t run”	“Walking feet.”	Young children process the instruction better without the negative: “don’t run” often lands as “run”.
“He’s the shy one”	“He takes a while to warm up.”	Said in front of a child, a label becomes an identity and an excuse.
“I’m so fat” / “I look terrible”	Nothing.	Children absorb how you speak about your own body and apply it to theirs. Daughters especially.

Two changes to make first

Twenty changes at once won’t happen. If you only pick two, pick these.

Stop saying “you’re okay” when they’re hurt or frightened. Replacing it with “that looked like it hurt” changes whether a child comes to you when something is wrong, and that’s the habit that counts most when they’re twelve.
Replace “good job” with one specific sentence about what they did. It takes two extra seconds and it’s the difference between noise and information.

And a general note: saying the wrong thing and repairing it’s better than saying nothing. “I shouldn’t have shouted at you this morning” teaches more about relationships than a hundred well-phrased sentences.

Frequently asked questions

What should I say instead of “good job”?

Describe what they did: “you kept going even when it was hard”, “you drew the whole roof by yourself”. Generic praise gives no information, so the child learns nothing about what to repeat. It costs two extra seconds.

Why shouldn’t I tell my child they’re clever?

Praising fixed ability tends to make children avoid harder tasks, because failing would then mean they aren’t clever after all. Praising effort and strategy points at something within their control, so difficulty becomes information instead of a threat.

What’s wrong with saying “you’re okay” after a fall?

You’re contradicting what the child feels. Done repeatedly, children stop trusting their own read on their bodies, and that counts later, when something is wrong and they don’t mention it. “That looked like it hurt” acknowledges it and they usually recover faster.

Is “because I said so” really that bad?

It isn’t damaging, it’s just less helpful. Children who know why a rule exists apply it when you aren’t there; children who only know that you said so don’t. Give the reason once. That’s different from negotiating it.

Why is “I’m leaving you here” a problem?

Being abandoned is a small child’s largest fear, and the threat works exactly once. It costs more trust than the compliance is worth. “I’m going to count to five and then I’ll carry you” gets the same result.

I say these things all the time. Have I damaged my child?

No. Every one of these has been said in every household, and children are robust. What matters is the pattern over years and the repair afterwards. Saying the wrong thing and then apologising teaches more about relationships than a hundred well-phrased sentences.

The main points

Don’t try to fix twenty phrases. Change two.

Stop saying “you’re okay” when they’re hurt. Say “that looked like it hurt”. And swap “good job” for one specific sentence about what they did.

Everything else on this list is the same idea: describe the behaviour instead of labelling the child, and don’t tell them their feelings are the wrong size.