Funny Asian Baby Names

Back in college, I used to know a fine fellow called Hariharan (popular Indian name after a god), or Hari for short. The hours I spent making fun of his name, it could have got me into Harvard had I used it wisely! (yes, as intelligent as I am, I’m not a Harvard alumni) From “hairy” to “hari hurry up”, from absurd rhymes to the blatantly stupid. I shamelessly made fun of him so much, I was lucky he did not shoot me during NS.

Now this brings me to the point, why for the life of you, would a parent give funny names to children? Forget Shiloh (of Brangelina fame) or Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter), let’s celebrate our Asian culture and discover some controversial Asian names, that creative, or commonly called mean, sorts like myself would murder the person with … (writer rubs his palms in absolute glee)

Darriah (a popular Indian name) – Yes we all do not know how to spell diarrhea, but it sure sounds like that!

Hardick (a Hindi name) – try splitting the word in half. At least the owner of this name won’t have trouble attracting the women.

Dough – You name your child the first five letters of doughnut. Really, do you expect the poor child not to be fat?

Dick – Absolutely self-explanatory

Pinky – Smells suspiciously like a dumb blonde. This girl’s never ever going to be invited to MENSA. If we don’t have a bluey or a greeny then why in the world is there a pinky?

Fanny – I’m refraining deliberately from going into details

Phyllis – Congratulations Phyllis, you’re Syphilis free.

Jesus – Now why, why would you want to call him that? “Jesus! Jesus, can you stop misbehaving”

Harry – It’s terrible when you have hairless legs and are called Harry.

Chastity – Yes, I’m sure she’s going to have a brilliant sex life

Sukhdeep (popular Punjabi name) – once again you can split this unfortunate fellow’s name in half and let your imagination run wild.

Vodka – Unless you’re Russian, please!

The list can keep going on and on. However, I do have limited friends and I’ve made fun of most of them here already!

In the Austin Powers movie “Goldmember” it’s all about the scene when Austin Powers meets nubile Asian twin girls named, “Fook Yu” and “Fook Mi,” and delightfully banter about their names — names which take on new meaning when translated into English. The name joke was a hit with the film’s audience but also touches on the pulse of an evolving trend among real-life Asians and their self-consciousness over poorly translated names.

Laksa sounding names only please

Parents can and must play a huge role here. Avoid the fanciful Mediterranean name if you eat roti prata and chicken rice consistently. Your child is not going to miraculously look like a Greek god just because he’s called Xaviere. We can all remember when the teacher calls out the names from the register in secondary school and pauses ever so often, stumped by fancy or simply long names. Yes, I belonged to the latter and often these long pauses by the teacher with a bewildered look plastered on her face, meant the cue for me to raise my hand and chirp “that would be me!”

Simplicity is beauty

Friends have told me that naming their child is an operation similar to organising a National Day Parade. Both have to be exceptional, different from the average Joe and memorable (minus the helicopters and the President for the child’s name of course). For crying out loud, every National Day Parade looks the same each year! How about staging one that is pure, simple yet meaningful? Now people would truly appreciate that and remember that particular parade. Precisely how a baby’s name should be - meaningful in its original language or at least of some value to the parents. It’s simple in its spelling and pronunciation, unless the name’s adapted from a foreign language of course.

Do also remember that while your baby grows up to eventually become a matured adult, his name remains with him. While your baby daughter appears so cute when called Twinky as a bumbling infant, she certainly is not going to appreciate it years later, dressed in a power suit when she has a swanky business card. Give your child a name you would be proud of having yourself.

Thought of a name?

Finally you have a simple yet meaningful name for your child? One final step, check the name please! Trawl the internet and search the name. Better yet, ask friends for opinions when you think of a name, instead of shrouding the name in mystery all the way up till the naming ceremony. Make sure it has no weird meanings in other languages or even belong to infamous celebrities. For example, if you’re a Chong, naming your sweet little daughter Annabel is simply sentencing her to a lifetime of ridicule (from people like me of course!)

There are only three things an individual has no control of; his genes, parentage and name. Parents do your children a favour and assure that they can be proud of what they call themselves. Your children would thank you profusely when they’re all grown, and no one has contorted their name. Now I’ve an old friend who’s long overdue a call from me. Let me check my phonebook for hairy, sorry Hari’s number.

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