When you first find out you’re pregnant, it can be such an exciting time that you want to scream the great news from the rooftops. In fact, many people do, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Some couples choose to keep it a closely-guarded secret until a certain point, which is usually around the beginning of the second trimester, when the chances of miscarriage are significantly decreased.
One woman has posted to Reddit about wanting to keep her pregnancy a secret until the third trimester, and she has a fairly valid and utterly heartbreaking reason why.
The woman is seven weeks pregnant. | Image source: iStock
The 31-year-old mother of two explained that she suffered a miscarriage early in 2018 at around 10 weeks, and her husband reacted in the worst possible way.
“I was devastated and it affected my mental/physical state,” she wrote in her post.
“When I told my husband he said things like ‘What did you do?, ‘We have two healthy kids so why did this happen?’, ‘How did you mess this up?’, ‘Why couldn’t you take care of the baby?’.
“I thought this was his way of grieving about the situation since people react differently, but it still hurt to hear. I felt like I failed at being a mother.”
The woman had to have a D&C (dilation and curettage) alone as her husband was “too busy” at the time, and he said that since she was the one who lost the baby, she should be the one to tell their friends and family.
“It was a miserable experience,” she continued, “and while I received the comfort from my family and in-laws, my husband still didn’t care.”
Things spiralled for the woman and she was diagnosed with depression. Her mother suggested counselling while her husband called her “lazy and homely”. They gave counselling a go until the man was called out on his behaviour and refused to return.
The couple then separated, during which time the man was on the receiving end of some very harsh reality checks which apparently led to a change of perspective.
“He saw he was being a straight-up a**hole towards me and has profusely apologised since then, promised to never verbally abuse me anymore, and couldn’t believe how he got away with the nasty things he put me through,” she said, adding that therapy helped them both move forward together.
Now she’s seven weeks pregnant and understandably, not yet ready to share the pregnancy with her husband.
“December 11th is my last day of the first trimester,” she explained.
“I want to announce it for Christmas, but what if it’s too early? TBH I want to keep this a secret until I’m 28 weeks. I don’t show until then and it would be better because third-trimester babies have a higher chance of survival if anything happens, but I know that’s too long of a wait. I also can lose the baby at anytime as well, that’s why I’m hesitant on saying anything at all.”
She asked, “What if I have another miscarriage? What if I tell our families again only for my stupid body to lose another baby? Or worse, what if my husband blames me again and we split for good? I’m actually f**king scared.”
She wants to tell her husband only by the 28th week, when the chances of miscarriage is significantly reduced. | Image source: iStock
Supporting each other through miscarriage
People were supportive of the woman, but a few suggested that perhaps it’s not her that has the problem.
“If you don’t trust your husband enough to tell him that you are pregnant, what on earth are you doing have a baby with this person?” asked one person.
Another agreed, saying, “The way he treated her over her previous miscarriage is messed up – that would have been the end of a marriage for me.”
One woman had gone through a similar experience although with her husband by her side and now has a positive ending to share: “My rainbow baby is five months old tomorrow, and I spent the entire pregnancy scared to death, and I’m sure you’ll spend a good portion of this one feeling the same. You wouldn’t be the a**hole if you kept it from him and everyone else until you feel comfortable. That could be today, tomorrow, or on the way to the hospital to give birth. Quite frankly, I’m impressed you even got close enough to him to get pregnant again because I would have noped my way out.”
Image source: iStock
Miscarriages in Singapore
According to KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital, 25% of pregnancies in Singapore end in miscarriage.
While many women experience a miscarriage, that doesn’t make it any less physically and emotionally painful, and in many cases, there is no explanation.
Because of this, theAsianparent launched an initiative called Project Sidekicks which aims to help families have healthy pregnancies and babies. Join us as we work on helping reduce the stillbirth rate in Southeast Asia by 10% by creating awareness about the benefits of sleeping on the side during pregnancy, counting the baby’s kicks, giving up smoking and having a strong support system for both mums-to-be and parents who have suffered pregnancy loss. Visit https://project-sidekicks.com/ for more details.
Compiled below is a list of support groups, both online and in Singapore:
- Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Child Loss Support Group by theAsianparent – A closed group for women who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth and/or child loss, that are looking to share their experience with others who understand them, offer a shoulder to cry on to other women who have experienced such loss, or a way to move forward, and heal.
- Child Bereavement Support (Singapore) – This group supports loss from miscarriage and stillbirth.
- KK Hospital Women’s Mental Wellness Service – A highly qualified team of counsellors and psychiatrists help bereaved mothers. They allow self-referrals too.
- NUH Women’s Emotional Health Service – Multidisciplinary service for women including mental health.
- Perinatal Depression and Anxiety Support and Education Group – A group providing a holistic approach towards pregnancy-related health issues. Contact them at +65-6394-3739.
- The Choolani Clinic – Located in Mount Elizabeth Novena hospital, it aims at providing emotional care for pregnancy loss. Call them for an appointment at +65-6570-2000.
- Stillborn Photography – You may want to explore the idea of stillborn photography if you are interested in preserving a photograph of your baby, or other keepsakes.
- Art of Life – Blog and books about conceiving after a miscarriage, and being grateful for new beginnings while being able to mourn the loss of other children.
- PALS: Pregnancy After Loss Support – Online peer-moderated support groups
- Child Bereavement Support (Singapore) – A network of bereaved parents offering support to anyone whose child has passed away, by way of meetings, support groups
- Angel Hearts – A group to help mummies who have suffered a loss to work through their grief by sewing and crafting. They also provide ‘angel gowns’ appropriate for dressing babies who have passed prior to the funeral.
This article was first published in KidSpot and republished on theAsianparent with permission.
The Importance of Family and Extended Family Support in Pregnancy
Husband’s Support During Pregnancy: A Guide for All Expecting Fathers
Support Groups, Counsellors and Therapists for Pregnancy Loss In Singapore