According to marriage therapist Aaron Anderson, many of the couples who seek help from him say “they never saw it coming.”
This false sense of security can be lethal. Believing that just because it’s smooth sailing that nothing can touch your bond.
Anderson says that one of the most common misconceptions is that only people in unhappy marriages cheat.
Surprisingly, he said, most of his patients who’ve had affairs say that they still truly love their spouse, kids, and their life in general.
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Many people cheat because of some inadequacy or personal failure.
They may be harbouring past issues and insecurities that seep in into their present happiness, causing them to seek gratification elsewhere.
An example Anderson cited was a person who is an overachiever at work to make up for his shortcomings as a parent.
They don’t address these situations; they just pretend that everything is fine and remain in denial.
This is often the root of affairs: sweeping things under the rug, putting up a perfect facade, when in truth there a deep-seated issues that need to be confronted and fixed.
Needing fulfilment, finding it in secrecy
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Seeking validation and a way to release their regrets, frustrations, and insecurities, they try to find ways to voice out their true feelings.
They go on living a “superficially happy” life while their deeper issues remain unresolved.
It’s the need to fulfil those deeper desires and their inability to talk out loud about them that makes them try to get them fulfilled in secrecy (e.g. by having an affair).
The longer this happy facade is maintained, the higher the risk of things crumbling behind it.
This is because issues are swept under the rug until the rug is pulled from under you by a sudden act of infidelity, that is often both unexpected by the guilty party and the one cheated on.
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Talk. Don’t just chat about inconsequential things. Have awkward, difficult talks. Heart-to-heart talks aren’t just butterflies and rainbows, they’re real, raw, and sometimes someone gets hurt.
But embracing possible hurt is integral to every type of bond. Listening, truly listening, without judgment.
So choose uncomfortable and real over false and secure.
A marriage is can be made less vulnerable to infidelity if the feelings of inadequacy and insecurities of one are addressed by both partners.
Make them feel that they can talk to you about anything — even the unpleasant stuff.
It could also help to get really specific about topics that are taboo such as exes, fears of the future, annoying habits, etc.
The more you talk openly, the more secure you will be with one another. And the facade will fall away to make room for what’s real.
It may seem scary to lay it all out there. But it will be worth it.
READ: Is your husband cheating on you? Here are some telltale signs of infidelity
