X
theAsianparent Logo
theAsianparent Logo
Product GuideSign in
  • Awards
    • Parents' Choice Awards 2023
  • Pregnancy
    • Due date calculator
    • I'm pregnant
    • Trying To Conceive
    • Labour
    • After birth
    • Baby loss
  • Parenting
    • Parent's Guide
    • Relationship & Sex
  • Child
    • Newborn
    • Baby
    • Toddler
    • Pre-Schooler
    • Kid
    • Pre-Teen & Teen
  • Feeding & Nutrition
    • Diseases-Injuries
    • Breastfeeding & Formula
    • Meal Planner
    • Health
    • Allergies & Conditions
    • Vaccinations
  • Education
    • Pre-School
    • Primary School
    • Secondary School
    • Primary School Directory
  • Lifestyle
    • Money
    • Travel & Leisure
    • Fashion
    • Home
    • Fitness
    • Contests & promotions
  • News
    • International
    • Health
    • Celebrity
    • Singapore
  • TAP Recommends
  • Shopping
  • Press Releases
  • Project Sidekicks
  • Community
  • Advertise With Us
  • Contact Us
  • Become A Contributor
  • VIP

Why I Have Stopped Telling My Kids To Give Hugs to Others

4 min read

"Go on, give her a big hug", I told the reluctant little boy -- my 3.5 year old son -- clinging to me.

I pried off his arms that were wrapped tightly around my legs and gently pushed him towards my friend (who he was meeting for the first time). It was when I felt his whole body stiffen in silent protest that it crossed my mind: "he really doesn't want to hug her."

I put myself in his shoes then. I would hate it if someone forced me to get physically close to someone when I was uncomfortable doing so. So why expect any different from my child? Or from any child for that matter?

It's one thing to teach our kids good manners and politeness, but the message we give our children when we force them to hug another adult is actually quite alarming.

It's that they have no ownership of their bodies. We are telling our kids to go against their instinct and get physically close to someone they don't want to.

A CNN article quotes Irene van der Zande, co-founder and executive director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, a nonprofit specializing in teaching personal safety and violence prevention as saying:

"When we force children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend's feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them.

"This leads to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to sexual behavior so 'he'll like me' and kids enduring bullying because everyone is 'having fun.' "

Lessons for parents in politeness and safety

I have now stopped asking my boys to give hugs to others, unless of course it is initiated by them, on their own.

There are only a few people they will instinctively give hugs to other than my husband and I -- their cousins, one or two aunties and uncles, a few of their and my good friends, and their grandparents. That's it.

And having realised this, I feel terrible about all the other people I have asked them to hug in the past, thinking I was teaching them good manners.

I now realise that while my children should treat all people with respect, this does not need to involve pleasing others through physical affection, even in the form of a sweet hug.

It goes beyond letting my kids know that they are the owners of their own bodies and not forcing them to do what they don't want to do.

It's also an important lesson in keeping themselves safe from potential child abusers, the majority of who are not strangers but known and trusted people, as confirmed by experts.

So when we get our children to hug people we know but they do not, who of course our children automatically assume are 'known and trusted', we are inadvertently making them vulnerable to potential predators, as pointed out by Ursula Wagner, a a US-based mental health clinician.

Wagner makes a valid point when she is quoted as saying, "If they [kids] are obligated to be affectionate even if they don't want to, it makes them vulnerable to sexual abuse later on." She adds, "It sends a message that there are certain situations (when) it's not up to them what they do with their bodies."

So now, my sons don't hug others to please me or those other people. They are still polite and say "hello", "goodbye", "please" and "thank you". And instead of giving hugs only to close friends and family, they also have the option of giving a high-five if they want to.

I will let my kids own their own bodies and I will respect their personal space.

And I won't let them take on the burden that pleasing another person through physical affection is their responsibility.

Do you encourage your kids to hug others? Share your thoughts on this topic in a comment below.

Partner Stories
Great ideas for gifts for Chinese New Year 2023!
Great ideas for gifts for Chinese New Year 2023!
Learn Tech and Media Skills, Gain Industry Exposure and Build a Portfolio. Here’s How Your Child Can Benefit from an Infocomm or Media CCA!
Learn Tech and Media Skills, Gain Industry Exposure and Build a Portfolio. Here’s How Your Child Can Benefit from an Infocomm or Media CCA!
Korean Stars Take Center Stage at Disney Content Showcase in Singapore
Korean Stars Take Center Stage at Disney Content Showcase in Singapore
Health is Your Greatest Wealth. Learn How Your CPF Savings Can Safeguard Your Healthcare Needs and Provide Peace of Mind
Health is Your Greatest Wealth. Learn How Your CPF Savings Can Safeguard Your Healthcare Needs and Provide Peace of Mind

Got a parenting concern? Read articles or ask away and get instant answers on our app. Download theAsianparent Community on iOS or Android now!

img
Written by

Nalika Unantenne

  • Home
  • /
  • Parenting
  • /
  • Why I Have Stopped Telling My Kids To Give Hugs to Others
Share:
  • 3 Things Singaporean Parents Should Stop Telling Their Kids Now

    3 Things Singaporean Parents Should Stop Telling Their Kids Now

  • Hugs and Kisses Contest!

    Hugs and Kisses Contest!

  • 'Family is Priceless': Malaysian Man in Singapore Rents 2 Buses So He and 60 Other Strangers Can Join Their Families for CNY

    'Family is Priceless': Malaysian Man in Singapore Rents 2 Buses So He and 60 Other Strangers Can Join Their Families for CNY

  • Neighbour Complains Of Crying Baby, Mum Hits Back With A Witty Letter

    Neighbour Complains Of Crying Baby, Mum Hits Back With A Witty Letter

  • 3 Things Singaporean Parents Should Stop Telling Their Kids Now

    3 Things Singaporean Parents Should Stop Telling Their Kids Now

  • Hugs and Kisses Contest!

    Hugs and Kisses Contest!

  • 'Family is Priceless': Malaysian Man in Singapore Rents 2 Buses So He and 60 Other Strangers Can Join Their Families for CNY

    'Family is Priceless': Malaysian Man in Singapore Rents 2 Buses So He and 60 Other Strangers Can Join Their Families for CNY

  • Neighbour Complains Of Crying Baby, Mum Hits Back With A Witty Letter

    Neighbour Complains Of Crying Baby, Mum Hits Back With A Witty Letter

Get advice on your pregnancy and growing baby. Sign up for our newsletter
  • Pregnancy
    • Baby
    • Education
    • Events
    • Allergies & Conditions
  • Family Occasions
    • Breastfeeding & Formula
    • Child Safety
    • Health
    • Diseases-Injuries
  • Lifestyle
    • Home
    • Money
    • Feeding & Nutrition
    • Diet & Weightloss
  • Normal Delivery
    • Cesarean Delivery
    • Behaviour
    • Secondary School
    • Formula Feeding
  • Ages & Stages
    • Latching & Concerns
    • Festivals & Holidays
    • Education
    • Pre-teen & Teen
  • More
    • TAP Community
    • Advertise With Us
    • Contact Us
    • Become a Contributor


  • Singapore flag Singapore
  • Thailand flag Thailand
  • Indonesia flag Indonesia
  • Philippines flag Philippines
  • Malaysia flag Malaysia
  • Sri-Lanka flag Sri Lanka
  • India flag India
  • Vietnam flag Vietnam
  • Australia flag Australia
  • Japan flag Japan
  • Nigeria flag Nigeria
  • Kenya flag Kenya
© Copyright theAsianparent 2023. All rights reserved
About Us|Team|Privacy Policy|Terms of Use |Sitemap HTML
  • Tools
  • Articles
  • Feed
  • Poll

We use cookies to ensure you get the best experience. Learn MoreOk, Got it

We use cookies to ensure you get the best experience. Learn MoreOk, Got it

theAsianparent heart icon
We’d like to send you notifications for the latest news and updates on baby care and health.