The Power Of Friendship

A recent study by Harvard Medical School, found that the more friends people had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life....

The bond of friendship is a particular one. It shapes who we’re and who we’re still becoming. It settles the noise inside us, fills the gaps that marriage was never designed to fill, and reminds us who we were before everything else arrived.

And then we’ve children, and quietly stop making time for it.

Why friendship isn’t a luxury

There’s a reasonable body of research here, and it’s more striking than most people expect.

Social connection is associated with better health and longer life, and the size of the effect is comparable to other risk factors we take far more seriously. Loneliness isn’t simply an unpleasant feeling; it shows up in physical outcomes.
Long-running studies of adult development keep arriving at the same conclusion: the quality of close relationships predicts wellbeing in later life more reliably than income, career or almost anything else measured.
For mothers specifically, social support is one of the more consistent protective factors against postnatal depression.

So the friend you haven’t messaged in four months isn’t an indulgence you’ve sensibly deprioritised. She’s closer to a health measure.

Why it goes

Nobody decides to stop having friends. It happens by attrition.

The hours go first: evenings, weekends, the loose time where friendship used to live
Then the energy, which is a separate and scarcer thing
Then the sense that you’ve nothing to report but the domestic
Then the awkwardness of a gap grown long enough to feel like it needs explaining
And in a country where everyone is busy and everyone is polite about it, an unanswered message is easily read as an answer

Almost always, she thinks you got busy and you think she got busy. Both are true and neither is the reason.

The friendships of early motherhood

There’s a particular loneliness in the first year that’s hard to describe to anyone not in it: you’re with someone constantly and speaking to nobody.

The friendships that form in that period tend to form fast, because the circumstances strip out the usual preliminaries. A woman met at a clinic waiting room can become a genuine friend within a month, on the strength of being awake at the same hours.

Those friendships are worth taking seriously, not treating as situational. Some of them outlast the circumstances by decades.

How to keep them

Lower the bar for contact. A voice note while walking counts. A photograph with no message counts. Waiting until you can manage a proper catch-up is how years pass.
Put it in the calendar. Unromantic and effective: a standing monthly evening survives where good intentions don’t.
Bring the children. A friendship conducted at a playground with two toddlers interrupting is a real friendship, and it’s available now, not in five years.
Say the true thing. The friendships that survive this period are the ones where somebody admitted they were struggling. The socially acceptable version keeps people at a distance precisely when you need them close.
Reach across the gap. Someone has to, and being the one who does costs nothing. “I’ve been terrible at this and I miss you” works almost every time.
Accept the reshuffle. Some friendships fade at this stage and that isn’t a failure of either person. Others deepen unexpectedly.
Make friends with your children’s friends’ parents. Convenient, and often better than convenient.

What children see

One more reason to bother, and perhaps the strongest.

Children learn what adult friendship looks like by watching whether their parents have any. A child who grows up seeing their mother laugh with her friends, be missed by them, show up for them and be shown up for, learns something about what a life should contain, and about the fact that a mother is a whole person.

Being seen to have friends is part of raising a child who will have them.

Frequently asked questions

Why do friendships fade after having children?

By attrition, not decision. The loose time goes first, then the energy, then the sense of having anything to report, then the awkwardness of a gap that has grown long enough to feel like it needs explaining. Usually each person assumes the other got busy.

Does friendship really affect health?

Yes. Social connection is associated with better health and longer life, at a magnitude comparable to risk factors we take much more seriously. Long-running studies of adult development consistently find that the quality of close relationships predicts later wellbeing better than income or career.

How do I keep friendships when I have no time?

Lower the bar for contact: a voice note while walking counts, a photograph with no message counts. Put a standing monthly evening in the calendar, and bring the children instead of waiting for a child-free window that may be years away.

How do I reconnect after a long gap?

Say it plainly: “I’ve been terrible at this and I miss you.” Someone has to reach across the gap and it costs nothing to be the one who does. The gap is almost never what you think it is.

Are friendships made through motherhood real friendships?

Often the most durable ones. They form quickly because the circumstances strip out the usual preliminaries, and many outlast the circumstances by decades. They’re worth taking seriously instead of treating them as situational.

Does it matter whether my children see me with friends?

A great deal. Children learn what adult friendship looks like by watching whether their parents have any, and a child who sees their mother laughed with, missed and shown up for learns that she’s a whole person.

What to remember

Friendship isn’t something you get back to later. The evidence puts it closer to a health measure than a luxury.

Lower the bar: voice notes, photographs, a standing date in the calendar, children in tow.

Reach across the gap first. She thinks you got busy, and you think she did.