Why, hello again readers. Welcome back to my big little world.
I have been the CEO of Home for many weeks now, and my capable mind and hands have sown the seeds for Home to grow. My capable employees John and Michele are just as integral to the growth of Home as they are to the development of my supreme talents.
I have, for the first eight weeks of my life, been exposed to so many wonderful sights and sounds. Unfortunately, my taste buds aren’t as lucky as they’ve only been allowed the natural taste of full-bodied breast milk. My female employee Michele has been shoving my face into her chest since Day One; my male employee John always tells me I’m incredibly lucky to get breast fed everyday. I like being fed and held close but how is smothering a CEO’s face with mammaries a man’s idea of lucky? I’m drowning in breast milk!
Lately, my employee John has been telling me he’s some sort of “Dadda” to me. What is that? He keeps mouthing “Dadda” to me over and over again, as if to tell me he’s not borderline insane. He follows that up with “Mumma” and “Bubba”. What is he on about? Do I look like I speak in limericks?
I was going through my Facebook page and I realised I had completely omitted this picture in the last post. I was seven days old then. Notice how completely pooped, mottled and wrinkled I was. And gosh, do I look limp or what?! My umbilical cord stump fell off the next day by the way. My employee Michele found it in my nappy!
Jean loved my employees John and Michele so much, she knitted a beanie for me with a big L emblazoned across. How lovely! (By the way, I like cameras. They’re funny objects; I stare into them and employee John shows me how sexy I look.)
Strange objects and sounds seem to hold my attention, albeit briefly. Unfortunately the strange creature called Toby seems to think the same. Just off camera, my employee Michele is waving a colourful rubber duck. It really is for me, but Toby clearly thinks otherwise.
That same week was a special day for my female employee Michele. Apparently, she's my mother, whatever that is. And Mother's Day is this massive thing. I wasn't two months yet, but I seem to have developed neck muscles only CEOs like me would have. They're quite strong, as my head's really big and floppy but I was still able to turn my head and look around when unsupported. Perhaps I'm developing faster than other CEOs?
My busy work schedule has be marooned within the confines of Home most days, but I do get to travel whenever work requires me to. My employees have been very patient and kind to my needs, but I don’t really care about their feelings. Why should I? I am the CEO of Home, they are always there for me and I have never known any less.
I will continue to test their patience and destroy their resolve. Surely these employees have a limit for they are only human. I shall continue to empty their coffers, destroy their sleep patterns, poop and pee all over them and make them work up a sweat every time I cough, choke or cry. How good it feels to be in a position of power!
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Editor’s Note: This is part 2 of the fortnightly series.
Episode 1 – Looking Through Levi’s Eyes: The First 40 Days
