When the words “mother-in-law” come up in conversation, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? A heartwarming image of family gatherings over perfectly roasted chicken? Or perhaps a memory of unsolicited parenting advice, subtle critiques of your home, or that infamous clash over how to properly fold clothes?
Let’s face it—mother-in-law relationships are one of the most complex dynamics in any family. They’re so layered and universal that they’ve become a trope in movies, sitcoms, and TikTok skits alike. But why is this bond often fraught with tension? And more importantly, is there a way to make it better, both for the present and the future?
TikTok creator Janelle (@heyjanellemarie) has tapped into this rich vein of familial intrigue, building a career by dissecting mother-in-law relationships. Her humorous and insightful takes resonate with countless women, offering both validation and cautionary tales. But amidst the laughs, Janelle drops hard truths: some of the very behaviours that frustrate us now might be the ones we unwittingly exhibit as future mothers-in-law.
Could it be time for some self-reflection? Let’s explore the traits that often turn mothers-in-law into family legends—for better or worse—and how to ensure you don’t end up as the punchline of a dinner story.
What Makes a ‘Difficult’ Mother-in-Law?
Janelle’s observations highlight four key behaviours that contribute to a strained mother-in-law relationship. Whether you’re recognizing your own MIL in these descriptions or wondering if you might embody them someday, it’s worth diving in.
1. Emotional Dependency on Sons
For mothers in unfulfilling relationships—or without a partner entirely—their sons may unconsciously become their emotional anchor. While the mother-son bond is undeniably special, this dynamic can turn tricky when a daughter-in-law enters the picture.
“Mine was a divorced mom who never had a new relationship,” one commenter confirmed. “She saw my husband as her partner and not her son.”
This type of behaviour often leads to feelings of competition. The mother feels replaced, while the daughter-in-law feels like she’s battling for her spouse’s attention.
Parenting takeaway: If you’re raising sons, now’s the time to foster independence. Encourage them to seek emotional support from multiple sources, including their friends and future partners. Reflect on your own boundaries—are you modeling healthy relationships?
2. Gossip and Drama
Mothers who enjoy gossip might think they’re bonding when they share stories, but the habit can quickly erode trust. This is particularly damaging when the gossip involves family members.
“Agree with the gossip 100%,” agrees a commenter. “It can make you feel like you’re in her circle of trust- but then remember if she does this with you, she does it about you.”
Gossip creates a fragile foundation for any relationship. When a daughter-in-law realizes she’s a subject of conversation, it becomes nearly impossible to feel secure in the family dynamic.
Parenting takeaway: Pay attention to how you resolve conflicts. Do you talk directly to the person involved, or vent to others instead? Demonstrating direct, respectful communication sets a powerful example for your children.
3. Favoritism Toward Sons
Mothers of boys, take note: showing favouritism toward your sons—or having only sons—can create unique challenges in the mother-in-law relationship.
Some mothers feel a sense of loss or jealousy when their sons form new families, especially if they view their daughter-in-law as a rival. Others may struggle with letting go, particularly if they’ve raised their sons with an intense focus on family loyalty.
“I’d also say ‘women who favor their sons over their daughters,’” one suggested. “Especially when they tell their daughters that the son is their favorite (this is my MIL).”
“Thoughts on mothers that have their sons at a young age? 22 or younger?” asked another. “I feel like this has an effect (in my experience lol).”
“I feel like … for some of them it turns into a deep rooted insecurity when they go off & make their own family,” offers a third. “Because daughters tend to stick close to their moms & sons are more distant.”
Parenting takeaway: If you have sons, reflect on how you nurture their independence. Are you encouraging them to establish healthy boundaries and relationships outside of the family? Letting go isn’t about losing your connection; it’s about allowing your children to thrive on their own terms.
4. Insecurity and Jealousy
Unresolved insecurities can rear their heads in unexpected ways, turning an otherwise warm mother-in-law into someone who’s defensive, critical, or passive-aggressive.
Parenting takeaway: Insecurity doesn’t have to define your relationships. Taking steps to address your own self-doubts—through self-reflection, therapy, or personal growth—can lead to healthier family dynamics and a stronger sense of self.
Breaking the Cycle
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It’s easy to critique a difficult mother-in-law, but the harder (and more productive) question is: how can you avoid becoming one yourself?
Here’s the good news: by raising your awareness now, you can take steps to ensure a healthier, more harmonious future with your child’s partner.
1. Build Healthy Boundaries Early
Boundaries are essential in every relationship, including the one you have with your children. Teach them that it’s okay to say no, and model this behaviour yourself. When your child grows up and builds their own family, respecting their autonomy will strengthen your bond—not weaken it.
2. Practice Active Listening
Instead of offering unsolicited advice, ask questions. Show genuine curiosity about your child’s partner and their life. This approach demonstrates respect and creates an open, supportive environment.
3. Focus on Your Own Growth
Whether it’s a new hobby, building friendships, or addressing old insecurities, focusing on your personal growth ensures you bring your best self to every relationship.
4. Celebrate Their Independence
When your child starts their own family, see it as a milestone to celebrate, not a loss to grieve. Supporting their independence shows that your love is unconditional.
Reimagining the Role of a Mother-in-Law
The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law doesn’t have to be a battleground. It can be one of the most rewarding connections in a family if nurtured with care, respect, and understanding.
Janelle’s TikTok insights serve as both a mirror and a map. They reflect the challenges many families face, but they also chart a path forward. By identifying the behaviours that strain relationships and committing to personal growth, you can transform the “MIL stereotype” into a legacy of love and support.
And let’s not forget the most important lesson of all: kindness, humour, and a good glass of wine can fix a lot. So the next time you’re tempted to share an unsolicited opinion or question your daughter-in-law’s turkey basting technique, pause and ask yourself: is this worth it?
Chances are, it’s not. And if all else fails, there’s always therapy—or a hilarious TikTok skit waiting to be made. Cheers to fewer awkward family dinners and more joyful moments ahead!
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