How to con your wife into skiving household chores
This article is written by a dad for all the fathers out there. It's content may NOT be suitable reading for mums or anyone who are champions of women equality.
Alright I’ll be first to admit, I’m quite the poor example of a father. The beacon of light, the Champion of all causes and a buttress of support I am not. If anything, Michele does most of the work.
Three times a week, I drop and pick Michele and Levi up from work and childcare. We’ve been fortunate enough to secure childcare services within Michele’s professional working environment so it’s all fun and games as we leave home at seven in the morning in good spirits.
I generally can’t say the same when we return home at six. Michele and I are both knackered, but with Levi still dependant on us, we have to drag our sorry carcasses around the house.
While we share the responsibilities of dinner preparation together, I generally fuss over our dog Toby, take the rubbish out and amuse Levi with antics.
Michele has taken on the duty of feeding Levi, bathing him and dressing him. She even goes as far as preparing and feeding his pre-sleep milk. Possibly the only dual-parent involvement is the 5 minutes we dedicate to bed time reading and Mummy and Daddy ‘nite-nites’.
I’ve made many excuses over the year. If you’re a fellow Daddy like me, we’re on the same boat.
• “I am tired. Really, really tired. Exhausted, even.”
• “I’ll just pretend to be busy with my laptop and hope Michele does all the work.”
• “If I don’t say or do anything, the responsibilities will go away.”
• “Can I jump into the shower first? A really long shower?”
But wait! There’s no need to feel guilty about this.
Who’s saying we – as responsible, mature, tax-paying and law-abiding Daddies – can’t further perpetuate this behaviour and continue to come home day after day, week after week with the same mindset?
That’s right, you read right. Do you really care for the rubbish? Who cares if the laundry hasn’t been done? Why are you trying to score brownie points by cleaning the house anyway? The good lady wife is already doing a really good job as it is, so why chip in?
Here are some white lies, uh, suggestions you really ought to use the next time your wife insists you pull your weight around in the house.
1) “Honey I’m running late today with a project at work. I’ll be home late.”
This is a classic line we as teenagers used very often in secondary school. If it worked back then, it’ll work now too! Seriously, how easy is it to play the ‘project’ card? Nobody’s going to question you and while you’re out and about running amok without Daddy duties. Have a drink with your mates in the local bar! Watch the football at your mate’s without your wife’s nagging!
2) “Hey did you know, cleaning up after a meal is part of cooking? Since you cooked, you should clean too. Scientifically proven!”
Alright let’s face it, most blokes out there aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. They tend to one activity really well but fail to clean up after. The ladies, on the other hand are really good at finishing something they’ve started. So the next time the good lady wife cooks for you and insists you clean up after, tell her she ought to practise what they preach!
3) “Since you’re so good at doing *insert chore here*, why don’t you do it instead of telling me how to do it?”
Let’s face it, many of us do have good intentions and want to help out in the house. However we’re so inept at simple tasks the wives tell us off verbally for our incompetence, take the reins and complete the tasks we’ve started. While they’re doing that, quietly walk out of their sight and enjoy another few minutes of quiet bliss.
4) “Honey, you’re such a control freak. Here, you do it.”
If the third tip didn’t work, I’d suggest you pull out your trump card and tell her as it is. The wives are tired but don’t trust us enough to perform simple tasks. If they nag incessantly, put them back in charge and let them do it as they see fit. Women like to know they’re in charge of certain aspects at home; might as well let them win as you get more time off doing nothing.
I guarantee you, none of these excuses will see you getting thrown out of the house or coming home to a different missus. Your partner’s none the wiser, she gets her way and thinks you’re either a) working really hard, b) all for female rights, c) letting her win or d) all of the above.
Either way, it’s a win-win situation.
So what are you blokes doing at home with the Hoovers and the folding? Snap out of it and get lazy already!