X
theAsianparent Logo
theAsianparent Logo
Product GuideSign in
  • Pregnancy
    • Due date calculator
    • I'm pregnant
    • Trying To Conceive
    • Labour
    • After birth
    • Baby loss
  • Parenting
    • Parenting & Play by Friso
    • Parent's Guide
    • Relationship & Sex
  • Ages & Stages
    • Baby
    • Toddler
    • Pre-schooler
    • Kids
    • Pre-teen & Teen
  • Feeding & Nutrition
    • Diseases-Injuries
    • Breastfeeding & Formula
    • Meal Planner
    • Health
    • Allergies & Conditions
    • Vaccinations
  • Education
    • Pre-School
    • Primary School
    • Secondary School
    • Primary School Directory
  • Lifestyle
    • Money
    • Travel & Leisure
    • Fashion
    • Home
    • Fitness
    • Contests & promotions
  • News
    • International
    • Health
    • Celebrity
    • Singapore
  • Money Parenting
    • Tips for Parents
    • Tips for Toddlers
    • Tips for Older Kids
    • The 5 Personas
  • TAP Recommends
  • Shopping
  • Press Releases
  • Project Sidekicks
  • Community
  • Advertise With Us
  • Contact Us
  • Become A Contributor
  • VIP

Why Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your Marriage

3 min read
Why Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your MarriageWhy Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your Marriage

Your careless words could be doing more harm to your marriage than you think

Letting your spouse know how they can improve is an important part of healthy communication, but if you are more critical than constructive, you could be doing more damage than you think. Renowned researcher and author Dr. John Gottman identified “four horsemen” that can predict the end of a relationship, and the very first is criticism (the others are contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling).

Why Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your Marriage

Image source: iStock

Gottman points out that criticism is very different from voicing a complaint or a critique. Criticism, instead of making a way for you and your partner to move forward from a setback, attacks the very core of your partner’s being. For example:

Criticism: “You don’t care about this family! You’re never home, the kids never see you, you only care about yourself!” Complaint: “I think you need to spend more time with the kids. I’ve got my hands full with them the whole day, and they would appreciate spending time with you.”

See the difference?

So what can we do to communicate our feelings to our partners without hurting our marriage? Here are some tips that can help you figure things out.

1. Keep your emotions in check

Why Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your Marriage

Image source: iStock

Don’t criticise when you’re angry, in case you say something that you might regret. “When you’re feeling frustrated or angry, it is crucial to remember that your actions and words do not have to be dictated by your feelings,” couples therapist Liz Higgins told The Huffington Post. “This takes intentional effort and commitment on each partner’s side. It takes emotional maturity. It also takes learning how to self-soothe your own emotions so that you don’t depend on your partner to be your emotional caretaker.”

2. Watch your tone

Do your best to keep calm and keep your tone even. “Make your tone as civil and as reasonable as possible,” psychologist Dr. Guy Winch writes in Psychology Today. “Anger or harsh tones will only distract your spouse from the content of your message.”

3. Never use the words “never” or “always”

“You never listen to me!” “I always do the cleaning up!” Sound familiar? Marriage experts agree that statements like this are not only unproductive but really damaging. It’s best to steer clear of using them altogether. “Always and never conversations only escalate the problem and cut off the ability for the other person to understand what is being communicated,” psychotherapist Dr. Bill Cloke writes in Care2. “It is also in its own way a form of abuse because the other person has no way out of feeling bad.”

4. Think: what’s your end game?

Why Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your Marriage

Image source: iStock

Before voicing out a complaint, think about whether or not doing so will help or hurt your relationship. Also think about what you want to achieve. Instead of making “winning” your goal, focus on resolving conflict. Psychologist Dr. Geraldine Merola Barton recommends keeping a loving attitude so that both of you feel “cared for and respected.”

Partner Stories
Bathroom Cleaning 101: A Complete Clean in Just 5 Minute Featuring Tips from Zoe Raymond
Bathroom Cleaning 101: A Complete Clean in Just 5 Minute Featuring Tips from Zoe Raymond
Welcoming a Newborn 101: 4 Handy Tips that All New Dads Should Know
Welcoming a Newborn 101: 4 Handy Tips that All New Dads Should Know
Safety First! BeSafe Keeps Your Kids Safe and Comfortable While You Drive in Peace
Safety First! BeSafe Keeps Your Kids Safe and Comfortable While You Drive in Peace
How To Baby Proof Your House in 4 Easy Steps
How To Baby Proof Your House in 4 Easy Steps

Got a parenting concern? Read articles or ask away and get instant answers on our app. Download theAsianparent Community on iOS or Android now!

img
Written by

Cristina Morales

  • Home
  • /
  • Relationship & Sex
  • /
  • Why Criticising Your Spouse Could End Your Marriage
Share:
  • 4 Ways To End A Marriage The Right Way

    4 Ways To End A Marriage The Right Way

  • Understanding Your Spouse: 9 Questions You Should Ask Each Other

    Understanding Your Spouse: 9 Questions You Should Ask Each Other

  • Father of Primary School Kids Running on Tampines Walkway Roof Files Police Report Over Video

    Father of Primary School Kids Running on Tampines Walkway Roof Files Police Report Over Video

  • Why it's getting harder to keep baby safe in this world

    Why it's getting harder to keep baby safe in this world

app info
get app banner
  • 4 Ways To End A Marriage The Right Way

    4 Ways To End A Marriage The Right Way

  • Understanding Your Spouse: 9 Questions You Should Ask Each Other

    Understanding Your Spouse: 9 Questions You Should Ask Each Other

  • Father of Primary School Kids Running on Tampines Walkway Roof Files Police Report Over Video

    Father of Primary School Kids Running on Tampines Walkway Roof Files Police Report Over Video

  • Why it's getting harder to keep baby safe in this world

    Why it's getting harder to keep baby safe in this world

Get advice on your pregnancy and growing baby. Sign up for our newsletter
  • Pregnancy
    • Baby
    • Education
    • Events
    • Allergies & Conditions
  • Family Occasions
    • Breastfeeding & Formula
    • Child Safety
    • Health
    • Diseases-Injuries
  • Lifestyle
    • Home
    • Money
    • Feeding & Nutrition
    • Diet & Weightloss
  • Normal Delivery
    • Cesarean Delivery
    • Behaviour
    • Secondary School
    • Formula Feeding
  • Ages & Stages
    • Latching & Concerns
    • Festivals & Holidays
    • Education
    • Pre-teen & Teen
  • More
    • TAP Community
    • Advertise With Us
    • Contact Us
    • Become a Contributor


  • Singapore flag Singapore
  • Thailand flag Thailand
  • Indonesia flag Indonesia
  • Philippines flag Philippines
  • Malaysia flag Malaysia
  • Sri-Lanka flag Sri Lanka
  • India flag India
  • Vietnam flag Vietnam
  • Australia flag Australia
  • Japan flag Japan
  • Nigeria flag Nigeria
  • Kenya flag Kenya
© Copyright theAsianparent 2022. All rights reserved
About Us|Team|Privacy Policy|Terms of Use |Sitemap HTML
  • Tools
  • Articles
  • Feed
  • Poll

We use cookies to ensure you get the best experience. Learn MoreOk, Got it

We use cookies to ensure you get the best experience. Learn MoreOk, Got it

theAsianparent heart icon
We’d like to send you notifications for the latest news and updates on baby care and health.