When Your Child Is The One Doing The Bullying

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There’s a phone call parents aren’t braced for. Not the one saying your child has been hurt: the one saying your child did the hurting.

The first response is almost always some version of that doesn’t sound like her. Every parent says this, schools expect it, and it’s the response most likely to make the next hour useless.

Bullying isn’t the same as conflict, and the difference decides what you’re dealing with.

Bullying involves all of these at once: it’s repeated, there’s a power imbalance in size, age, status or numbers, and it’s intended to hurt. Two children falling out, even badly, is conflict. One child repeatedly targeting another who can’t easily push back is something else.

Ask the school which of these they’re describing. It changes the whole conversation.

Talking to the school first

Go in to gather facts, not to defend. Ask what exactly happened, how often, over what period, who else was involved, and what the other child’s experience of it was.

Ask that last one out loud, because it’s the part that most often gets lost while everyone discusses procedure. It also sets the tone your own child will take their cue from.

Singapore schools have discipline procedures and most have counsellors attached. Working alongside them is much more effective than treating the school as an opponent, and it’s the version your child benefits from.

Why children do it

Almost never simple cruelty. The usual drivers:

Status. Bullying frequently buys social position, and in a group the audience can reward it instead of punishing it.
Being on the receiving end somewhere else. Children who are bullied, including by an older sibling or at home, are more likely to bully someone smaller.
Poor regulation. A child who can’t manage frustration lashes out, and the same child gets there repeatedly.
Modelling. Children copy how conflict and power are handled around them. This is uncomfortable to think about, and think about it anyway.
Group momentum. Plenty of children participate in something they’d never start, because stopping it would cost them.
Not reading it as harm. Especially online, and especially where “we were only joking” has become the whole defence.

None of these excuse it. All of them point at what to do, which a punishment on its own doesn’t.

Responding at home

Get their account without leading it. “Tell me what happened”, not “did you really do that?” You want the version you can work with, not the version shaped to your reaction.
Be clear that the behaviour isn’t acceptable, and separate it from them. “What you did was cruel” lands differently from “you are a bully”. And a child who accepts the second has less reason to change.
Avoid a harsh punishment. Responding to a child who hurt someone by hurting or humiliating them teaches exactly the lesson you’re trying to undo, and drives the behaviour out of sight instead of ending it.
Make repair the centre of it. A real apology, made properly, and something that costs them: losing the status the behaviour bought, or making good in a concrete way. Repair changes more than removal of a device does.
Build the missing skill. If it’s regulation, work on that. If it’s empathy, talk concretely about what the other child’s week has been like. If it’s status, help them find another route to it.
Follow up. Ask the school again in a fortnight. A child who has stopped because they were caught isn’t the same as one who has stopped.

Two things to check

Whether your child is being bullied themselves. It’s one of the strongest patterns in the research and one of the least visible from home. A child who’s being targeted at school, or by an older sibling, may be passing it down.

What’s happening online. Group chats are where a lot of this now lives, and the version of your child that exists in one can be markedly different from the one at your dinner table. Screenshots circulate, and things said there follow a child back into the classroom.

When to get more help

Talk to the school counsellor, your GP or a psychologist if the behaviour keeps recurring after the school has been involved, if there’s no discomfort or remorse at all, if it appears alongside cruelty to animals, stealing or fire-setting, or if your child seems unable to read that they’ve hurt someone.

Children who bully persistently have worse outcomes themselves: for mental health, relationships and school. Addressing it properly isn’t only for the other child’s sake.

Frequently asked questions

How do I know if it was bullying or just a fight?

Bullying is repeated, involves a power imbalance, and is meant to hurt. A one-off falling out between two children of similar standing is conflict. Ask the school which they’re describing, because the response differs.

Should I punish my child for bullying?

There should be a consequence, but harsh or humiliating punishment tends to backfire: it models the behaviour you’re trying to stop and pushes it out of view. Repair, a real apology and losing whatever the behaviour gained them do more.

My child says they were only joking. Is that possible?

Sometimes, particularly online where tone is lost and an audience escalates things. Still treat it seriously: the test is the effect on the other child, not the intent, and that’s a distinction to teach explicitly.

Could my child be bullying because they’re being bullied?

It’s one of the more common patterns. Children who are targeted, at school or by an older sibling at home, are more likely to target someone else. Ask about it gently and separately.

What should I say to the other child’s parents?

Usually, let the school mediate instead of approaching them directly. Where contact does happen, a straightforward acknowledgement without qualifiers works better than an explanation, which almost always reads as a defence.

When should I get professional help?

If it continues after the school is involved, if there’s no remorse, if it appears alongside cruelty to animals or stealing, or if your child can’t recognise that they’ve caused harm. A school counsellor is usually the easiest starting point.

What to remember

Ask whether it was bullying or conflict, then gather facts before defending. “That doesn’t sound like her” is the response every parent gives and the one that wastes the conversation.

Be clear the behaviour was wrong without making it their identity. Choose repair over punishment. Then look for the reason underneath: status, poor regulation, or being on the receiving end somewhere you can’t see.

And check back in two weeks. Stopping because you were caught isn’t the same as stopping.