Books That Help Children With Big Feelings

Your son breaks your favorite China vase. The next day, he drops porridge on the newly polished floor. The day after that, he scribbles on the living room wall with a permanent marker. You scream, shout and shriek. But at the end of the day, you still give him a goodnight kiss, hug, and read to him a bedtime story.

Picture books do something a conversation can’t: they let a child examine a difficult feeling from a safe distance, in someone else’s story, as many times as they need to.

Rereading is how it works. A child who asks for the same book forty times isn’t stuck. They’re working on something. Each reading, they anticipate more, notice more, and can consider the frightening part with less of it landing on them.

So the right response to “again” is usually to read it again.

How to read them so they do the work

Stop and ask what the character is feeling, not what’s happening. “How do you think he feels?” is the whole technique.
Ask what they would do.
Don’t moralise at the end. “So you see, we should always share” undoes it. The story has already made the point.
Let them turn the pages, interrupt and tell it wrong.
Link it later, lightly. “That’s a bit like the boy in the book” during a real moment does more than the reading did.
Read the sad ones before you need them. A book about a grandparent dying, read on an ordinary Tuesday, gives a child a framework in advance. Introducing it in the week of a death is much harder work.

The categories worth having

Specific titles date and go out of print; the categories don’t. A good home shelf covers:

Naming emotions: books that give feelings names and colours and shapes. The foundation for everything else, and the most useful for two- to five-year-olds.
Anger, and that it passes and doesn’t make you bad.
Separation: for starting childcare, and for a parent who travels or works away.
Worry and anxiety, including the idea that a worry shrinks when it’s said out loud.
A new sibling.
Death and grief, including pets.
Difference and disability, with characters who aren’t there to be a lesson.
Being unconditionally loved: the “I love you even when” books, which small children want repeatedly for good reason.

Two things to look for

Books where the difficult feeling isn’t immediately fixed. The ones where a parent resolves everything in three pages teach less than the ones where the character sits with it for a while.

Books with children who look like yours, and children who don’t. Both matter, and in Singapore the second is easy and the first sometimes takes looking.

Where to get them

The public library, which is free, extensive, and lets you find out whether a book works before owning it. Librarians will also find you something for a specific situation if you ask.
Buy only the ones they return to. Rereading is the point, so a small shelf of loved books beats a large one of unread ones.
Second-hand and hand-me-downs.
Books in your other languages, including ones a grandparent can read aloud.

For older children

The same principle continues, with fiction doing the work. Reading novels is associated with better perspective-taking, most likely because that’s what sustained immersion in another mind consists of.

Two rules that keep it working: let them read below their level, comics, easy series, rereads, because enjoyment is what sustains the habit; and don’t turn it into homework. A reading log kills more reading than it produces.

Frequently asked questions

Why does my child want the same book over and over?

Because the rereading is the mechanism. Each time they anticipate more, notice more, and can look at the difficult part with less of it landing on them. The right response to “again” is usually to read it again.

How should I read a book about feelings?

Stop and ask what the character feels rather than what’s happening, and what your child would do. Don’t moralise at the end. The story has already made the point, and adding a lesson undoes it.

Should I read books about death or separation before we need them?

Yes. A book about a grandparent dying, read on an ordinary day, gives a child a framework in advance. Introducing the subject in the week it happens is much harder work.

What kinds of books are worth having?

Ones that name emotions, and ones about anger, separation, worry, a new sibling, death including pets, difference and disability, and being loved unconditionally. Look for books where the difficult feeling isn’t resolved in three pages.

Should I buy books or borrow them?

Borrow first. The library is free and extensive, librarians will find you something for a specific situation, and you can discover what works before owning it. Then buy only the ones your child returns to.

My older child only reads comics. Is that a problem?

No. Let them read below their level, comics, easy series, rereads, because enjoyment is what sustains the habit. And avoid reading logs, which kill more reading than they create.

What to remember

The rereading is the point. Say yes to “again”.

Ask what the character is feeling, and resist adding a moral at the end.

Read the sad ones before you need them, borrow from the library first, and let older children read whatever they enjoy.