How to Deal with the Terrible Twos Without Losing Your Mind

Your toddler just had his second birthday. Caution terrible twos ahead! Should you be scared? Not at all, mum! Here’s how to deal with the terrible twos and enjoy this phase in your child’s life.

Parents say that the toddler years are the cutest because it’s when you will start to notice their personality. They may begin communicating with you, and because they are now able to walk and talk, you’ll be surprised at how so much energy can fit in such a small body.

But despite the many exciting milestones to look forward to, you may also be worried when you encounter warnings about the terrible twos – whether it’s from articles on the internet or well-meaning friends. What does terrible twos mean?

As the term suggests, your child’s second year may be terrible. But does it really have to be that way, and do all children go through that stage?

Terrible Twos

Toddlerhood is a stage in your child’s life that is full of physical and intellectual growth. Between the ages of 1 to 3, your child is starting to walk, talk, have his own opinions, learn about emotions, understand some concepts like sharing and taking turns, and even assert his independence.

At this stage, it’s natural for your toddler to explore his environment, including doing what they want on their own terms. That behaviour is normal and is to be expected.

According to Deena Margolin, a clinical child therapist and half of the powerful duo Big Little Feelings on Instagram,

“As rough as tantrums are for our parents, they are a sign that your child’s development is on track. They’re a milestone.”

During this stage, your child will naturally want to explore their environment and have and do what they want on their own terms. That’s all normal and expected behaviour.

While they can already walk, talk, and understand emotions, their physical, verbal and emotional skills are not yet well-developed. This is why they quickly become frustrated when they can’t communicate what they want or perform a task, hence, the tantrums.

Here are some examples of situations that might cause frustration for your 2-year-old:

• If they don’t have the vocabulary or skills to communicate what they want
• They might not have the patience to wait for their turn
• Their hand-eye coordination is not flawless yet so they might not be able to pour their own milk, catch a ball or reach a toy even though they really want to
• If you do something that they want to do for themselves (for example, close the door or answer the phone)

Terrible Twos Symptoms

Aside from the age, which is quite obvious, can you tell when the terrible twos phase is starting?

The thing about the terrible twos is it’s more about the behaviour and not the number. Since the frustration levels are high in your toddler, you might notice the following terrible twos symptoms:

• Tantrums

These can range from mild whining to major meltdowns. And it’s often characterised by crying, but depending on the situation, your child might also get physical which includes hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing things.

It may seem never-ending when your child is having a tantrum, but according to a study, the majority of tantrums last for 5 minutes or less (so be patient, mum, it’ll end sooner than you think).

• Opposition

As your child gains new skills and abilities, it’s natural that he would want to test them, of course, on his own terms. This can lead to your child being more “disagreeable,” objecting to things he used to be okay with. For example, they might not want you to hold their hand anymore when going down the stairs, or help in putting on their clothes.

Your toddler is developing independence and he may begin to insist on practising them by doing more for themselves, regardless of whether they’re developmentally capable of completing the task or not.

• Mood swings

The one thing that can really puzzle you at this stage is your toddler’s unpredictability. One minute he is happy and loving, crying and miserable the next. And it’s hard to decipher when the change in temperament is coming. But it’s usually a byproduct of his frustration of wanting to do things himself but is unable to do so.

What does terrible twos mean? Do all children go through with it?

As your toddler develops his independence and sense of self, it’s natural to assume that their views and expectations won’t always agree with yours. However, some toddlers will breeze through this stage with fewer tantrums than others.

One factor that can contribute to it is when the child has advanced language skills which help him articulate and express his feelings and opinions, cutting back on moments of frustration.

This explains why terrible twos can sometimes extend into terrible threes (or also coined as having a threenager). But by the time they’re 4, they usually have the language skills and motor development to express themselves, understand instructions, regulate their emotions, and follow rules set by their parents or teachers.

Parents and caregivers can also help shorten this tantrum phase by avoiding some common meltdown triggers.

How to Deal With the Terrible Twos Phase

• Maintain eye contact

When speaking to your child or if you’re asking them to do something, it’s important to do so often at eye level. This simple gesture will reassure them that you care about them and that you understand.

It also encourages them to maintain eye contact as a sign of confidence and even, good manners. This simple habit makes them feel secure but also prepares them for the future by boosting their self-esteem.

One good way to do this is by stooping down or bending over when you’re talking to your child so you can be at eye level with each other.

• Don’t underestimate the power of touch

Touch them on the shoulder and reassure them that you love and care for them. It may be an overwhelming time for them as they are fast developing in every aspect—physically, cognitively, and emotionally.

Not only does it build the emotional bond between parent and child, but studies have also found that it constant loving and effective touch is good for a child’s brain development.

• Prioritise focused attention

At this age, they need your attention more than ever. Knowing that you’re there to guide them eases their anxiety and encourages less bad behaviour.  Strive not to be distracted by other tasks or even your mobile phone.

It’s been found that phone-distracted parenting leads to kids feeling less appreciated. Don’t let this happen by kicking the habit of being glued to your phone as early as now.

• Validate their feelings

Frustration is a big part of the terrible twos phase, and part of this is because your toddler can’t communicate how he feels.

According to toddler experts Big Little Feelings, kids want to know that they’re seen and understood. The goal of trying to okay their feelings is to make them feel seen, cared about, and understood.

It also helps them understand and name their feeling, which builds emotional awareness and teaches them to regulate their emotions, hence, fewer meltdowns.

So the next time your toddler has a tantrum, resist the urge to get mad or ignore them. Instead, tell them, “I can see you’re frustrated/sad/angry. It’s okay to feel that way.”

• Apply gentle discipline

Remember that your child is still trying to navigate through their need for independence. It’s important for you to be firm and specific but also kind and friendly when giving instructions.

Giving them choices and rephrasing instructions can also help your little one better understand the difference between good and bad behaviour.

As a reminder to parents in this challenging stage, it’s best to keep regular meal and sleep schedules. You do not want to deal with a hungry or tired and frustrated toddler.

Also, try to toddler-proof your home. If you don’t want them getting into something especially things that might cause accidents, put it out of sight if you can. Finally, resist the urge to scream, yell or hit. Try to model non-violent behaviour to your child.

Terrible Twos: When Is It Not Just a Phase?

As mentioned earlier, the terrible twos phase is normal and most toddlers go through with it. Tantrums are part of your child’s development. However, according to Healthline, you may want to consult your child’s paediatrician if you notice the following behaviours:

• tantrums that consistently (more than half the time) include hitting, kicking, biting, or other forms of physical violence toward the parent or caretaker

• tantrums in which the child tries to hurt themselves

• tantrums that happen frequently (10 to 20 times a day)

• tantrums that last longer than 25 minutes, on average

• an inability of the child to ultimately calm themselves

• the child is always withdrawn or not seeking attention from others

• the child is not making eye contact

These kinds of tantrums and behaviour mentioned above might suggest a mood or conduct disorder, so it’s best to consult your child’s doctor about it.

Remember, you’re not alone in this wild ride called parenting! The Terrible Twos may test your patience, but with a little creativity, patience, and a whole lot of love, you can conquer this phase without losing your mind. Embrace the messy, magical moments, and celebrate the milestones along the way. You got this!

This article first appeared on theAsianparent Philippines.

Here at theAsianparent Singapore, it’s important for us to give information that is correct, significant, and timely. But this doesn’t serve as an alternative for medical advice or medical treatment. theAsianparent Singapore is not responsible for those that would choose to drink medicines based on information from our website. If you have any doubts, we recommend consulting your doctor for clearer information.