11 things every new step parent should know

Things every new step parent should know

New family bonding with a step child takes time. Is there such a thing as a non-wicked step parent? We would like to think that we are the exception and we can only strive to be the best we can be to our spouse’s kid—and love them every bit like they are our own.

1. Cut yourself some slack!

You can definitely try but there is no such thing as a perfect step parent. You will always be compared to the biological parents. This does not mean that you give up and transform into a monster– this simply means that if situations are not rosy all the time, don’t blame yourself for it. Accept the fact that step parenting is tough, but believe in yourself and the fact that with effort your relationship can be magical.

2. Your step child might be more nervous than you

Step father and step mother, you might be worried that the relationship may not progress as healthily as you’d like. But guess what? Your step child might be more nervous than you about developing this relationship.

So, you can just be a very reassuring you and keep his/her fears, inhibitions and concerns at bay. Never force the relationship.

3. Don’t try to replace the biological parent

You as a step father or step mother, might be tempted to be the replacement of her actual mum or dad but you will never be able to fill those shoes. That said, avoid trash talking their biological parent or trying to show them up.

However, know that the bond that you will develop with the child will be no less valuable or special. It is unique in it’s own way.

4. Don’t expect instant love

Just because you inherited a step child after marriage does not mean that your step child will automatically adore you. Expect that your step child may take a little longer to warm up to you, so be patient.

You’ll eventually get there; just let your colours shine. Sincere love cannot be hurried—it develops slowly from within. Step mother and step father be assured love will develop, slowly but surely.

5. Sharing is caring

Note that inevitably, you are going to share your spouse with your step kid. In most cases your step child will have priority but this should not anger you. It is only natural.

Besides, it is a completely different kind of love and shown in a paternal or maternal way.

6. Be consistent and trustworthy

Your step child may have formed their own ideas about you and the sort of person you are and will be to them. It can be hard to change their mindset, but you can continue to be a person that they can confide in and trust. Also, don’t waver.

Flip-flopping or being flaky would mean that you’re not consistent and cannot be depended on.

7. You cannot plan for everything

Nothing is predictable—especially not kids nor adults and some situations that arise can be scarily overwhelming. There is no point planning for the unexpected—for it is "unexpected".

You can prepare for the worst but once again, sometimes it is better to cross the bridge when you get there. It lessens the stress levels.

8. Be a friend

Start off your relationship as you would with any new friendship: find some common ground and do things together that you might both enjoy. Remember, you’re just there to build a relationship appropriately, not to take the place of your stepchild’s mother or father.

9. Communicate openly

The atmosphere will never be hunky dory the whole time in reality and no matter how optimistic you are.

During tumultuous times, you’d have to open up, lay all the cards on the table and dialogue effectively with your spouse and your step child.

10. Dealing with hurtful comments

Step mother and step father, we’ve decided to give you some tips when the going gets tough--hateful, hurtful and unacceptable words are hurled at you. How should you react?

Stage 1

Be patient and let the kid know that what they said was unnecessary and hurtful. Let them know that you were merely trying to be kind and loving to the best of your ability.

Stage 2

The first approach failed. Now, you can try to turn a deaf ear on the rude remarks. You could say: "As I said before, your comments are hurtful and not helpful in our relationship, so, I am ignoring your statements."

Stage 3

If cruel non-verbals and verbals continue, don’t despair. Ask your spouse to step in and have a chat with his or her child. The conversation should not be a blaming session or judgmental in anyway. Validate the child’s feelings but let him or her know that there are healthier ways of handling anger, frustrations or other negative feelings.

Talk it out and find a solution. Your spouse should tell the child not to take out those feelings on you—but both you and the child can work on this together and find a happy middle. If the biological parent on the other side is willing to help; the issue at hand may become easier to resolve.

11. Last resort

If all else fails, you might want to stay out of each other’s way for the time being. How does this work? Your spouse can plan for visitation rights when you are not around. Or you can occupy yourself when your spouse is spending time with the child. If you are all living under one roof, then you could have certain areas in the house that is step parent or step child free at certain hours of the day for a time-off. This is not a long-term solution– seek professional or family counseling to resolve the matter. You can be one happy family; just put time and work at it.