Your body has gone through amazing changes throughout your pregnancy, and now that your baby will make his or her debut any day now - or perhaps you are reading this on your hospital bed after you just gave birth last night, this is a brutally honest list about what exactly you can expect after childbirth:
1) You will still look pregnant
We know. That sucks. Even though you spent hours huffing and puffing to squeeze a baby out, you look like perhaps there's still another baby accidentally left inside. Oh, and for some women, this doesn't go away for a few months or years - or ever. Yay.
2) Your nether-regions will be unrecognisable
Out of curiosity, you may be tempted to grab a small mirror to check out what's up down there. Word of advive - don't! A BABY just came out of there, so you can't expect everything to still be taut and cute (far from it!). Don't worry though, it will heal eventually.
3) Your breasts will swell up like balloons
You are going to have what feels like two watermelons hanging from your chest - and they will be just as hard! It's going to make you do a double-take everytime you walk past a mirror although some of you might even secretly love your new pornstar boobs for while.
4) You actually miss being pregnant
It sounds a bit crazy because you know that your baby is right there beside you, sleeping soundly in her little crib, but it's just different now because she's no longer inside you like she was for the past nine months. We understand. This will take some getting used to, but holding your baby in your arms will make you forget all that soon enough.
5) You feel like you've been hit by a bus
Your body has been through a lot, topped off with the stress of motherhood and lack of sleep, you are bound to feel sore and achy. You will feel (and even look!) like you were on the losing end of a bull-fight. Get a postnatal massage to help make you feel a bit better.
6) Confinement rules will drive you nuts
No drinking cold water? No taking a shower? No washing your hair? No leaving the house? Uh, no thank you! Traditional confinement rules will definitely get on your nerves sooner or later and you will scream if you have to take another sip of that disgusting fish tonic!
7) Your parenting choices will be judged mercilessly
Whether you choose to give breast milk or formula milk, co-sleep or have a separate crib, baby-wear or use a stroller, there will always be someone who questions your choices and will try to shove their personal opinion down your throat. They may mean well, but it's your baby, not theirs, and different people have different styles of parenting.
8) You are still bleeding from your hoo-ha
Once that baby is out, it'll seem like the bleeding you'll experience is one big super heavy mother of all periods to make up for the nine months of blood-free bliss. Oh joy.
9) You can't sit down for a while
Chances are, you'll be stiched up after your episiotomy or perenial tear (ouch!) so you will be feeling pretty raw for a while and might have to use those tiny inflatable donut pillows to sit on or wear a cold ice-pack pad to soothe your burning loins.
10) You automatically become a germaphobe
When family and friends come to visit you, you will insist they all wash their hands with scalding hot water and industrial-strength soap before handling your new bub, to avoid passing along any germs or infections. And if you so much as hear any of them clear their throat, you'll assume they either have contagious Typhoid Fever/ Bird Flu/ Explosive Diarrhea, so will be quick to show them the door.
11) You'll say your baby's name a hundred times a day
Not just because you are so in awe of this beautiful baby who is finally here and you can't get enough of calling her out loud, but also because every time the nurse or doctor comes in to check on you, they will ask for your name, your IC number and your baby's name just to make sure there hasn't been a mix-up anywhere. Plus, your friends and family will eagerly ask you for the bub's name as well, even though you've already posted it on Facebook for the hundredth time in one day.
12) You will have no clue how to breastfeed
Breastfeeding does not just "come naturally" to a lot of women and you might struggle at first to figure out the correct position and angle. It's going to be awkward, frustrating and painful. You may even feel kind of dumb, but you shouldn't, because it's not something you've done before, so don't be too hard on yourself.
13) Having to go poop scares you
After everything you have been through and the amount of pain you're still feeling with each cough or sneeze, you're scared to go to the toilet whether it is to pee or poop. Drinking lots of water and eating high-fibre foods should help ease the strain though.
Giving birth to another human being is no easy feat and we applaud all the brave mothers who have been through it! The aftermath may not be pretty, nor is it a bed of roses, but of course just looking at your precious baby is enough for you to forget everything you had to endure and make you feel like having another little one soon - umm, but not too soon!
Do you agree with our honest list about what happens after childbirth? Which one do you agree with the most? Share your views in the comments section below!