The most important parenting strategy you can embrace is learning the art of repair. Imagine this: you’ve had a long day, and just as you think you’re finally in the clear, your child complains about dinner. Frustration bubbles over, and you snap. Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. Thankfully, clinical psychologist and renowned parenting expert Becky Kennedy has insights on how to handle these moments with grace.
Understanding the Art of Repair
What is Repair?
Repair is more than a simple apology; it’s about revisiting a moment of disconnection with your child. It involves acknowledging your actions, taking responsibility, and addressing their impact. Becky Kennedy emphasises that repair is the most important parenting strategy because it opens the door to understanding and re-establishing connection.
Think of repair as a bridge that spans the gap caused by conflict. It’s your chance to mend what’s broken and show your child that mistakes don’t define a relationship. Instead, how we handle those mistakes does.
Why Repair Matters
It Prevents Self-Blame
Children often internalise conflicts, believing they are the cause. They might think, “Mum’s upset because of me.” This self-blame can damage their self-esteem and emotional health. Repair helps clarify that their feelings are valid, and the issue wasn’t entirely their fault.
It Models Healthy Conflict Resolution
Children learn by watching us. When we practise repair, we show them how to handle conflicts maturely. This positive behaviour sets a strong example for them to follow in their own interactions.
It Restores Emotional Security
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Repair restores your child’s sense of safety and trust. It reassures them that despite disagreements, your love and connection remain steadfast. This emotional security is crucial for their overall development and well-being.
Steps to Mastering Repair
Step 1: Self-Repair
Before you can repair with your child, start with yourself. It’s essential to separate your identity from your behaviour. Understand that making a mistake doesn’t define your worth as a parent. This mindset helps you approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
Take a moment to breathe and reflect. Remind yourself, “I’m a good parent who had a tough moment. This doesn’t define me.” This self-compassion lays the foundation for a genuine repair with your child.
Step 2: Address the Conflict Directly
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Approach your child with empathy. Be open and honest about what happened. Here’s an example:
“I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. That must have been really scary. It wasn’t your fault, and I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”
Directly addressing the conflict shows your child that you care about their feelings and that you’re committed to fixing the relationship.
Step 3: Teach and Reflect
Use the repair moment to teach your child better ways to handle similar situations in the future. If they didn’t like dinner, suggest a more respectful way to express their feelings:
“Next time, if you don’t like what’s for dinner, you could say, ‘It’s not my favourite,’ instead of calling it disgusting.”
This guidance helps them learn respectful communication and manage their emotions effectively.
Pitfalls to Avoid During Repair
Avoid Blaming the Child
When you repair, avoid statements that shift responsibility to your child. Saying, “I’m sorry I yelled, but if you hadn’t complained, I wouldn’t have,” places the blame on them and undermines the process. Focus on your actions and what you can do differently next time.
Don’t Minimise Their Feelings
Validate your child’s emotions. Saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel upset about this,” dismisses their experience. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and reassure them that it’s okay to feel upset or scared.
The Long-Term Benefits of Repair
Building Trust and Resilience
Regularly practising repair builds a foundation of trust and resilience in your child. It teaches them that everyone makes mistakes and that what matters is how we address and learn from them. As they grow, they’ll carry these lessons into their relationships, making them better equipped to handle conflicts constructively.
It’s Never Too Late to Start
No matter your child’s age, it’s never too late to start practising the most important parenting strategy. Even older children and adults benefit from hearing their parents acknowledge past mistakes. This validation can heal old wounds and strengthen your relationship.
Imagine receiving a heartfelt apology from a parent for past misunderstandings. It might not change everything, but it could mend some parts of your relationship. The same applies to your child. Regularly practising repair can profoundly impact their emotional health and your bond with them.
Embracing Repair in Your Parenting Journey
It’s About Progress, Not Perfection
Remember, it’s not about being a perfect parent but about making progress. Embrace the most important parenting strategy of repair as a tool for growth. It allows you and your child to navigate conflicts with empathy and understanding.
Start Small, Aim Big
Begin with small steps. Acknowledge minor mistakes and use them as opportunities to practise repair. Over time, these efforts will create a more resilient and emotionally secure relationship with your child.
Takeaway
Mastering the most important parenting strategy—repair—is transformative. It teaches children emotional intelligence, fosters a secure relationship, and sets a positive example for conflict resolution. Embrace repair in your parenting journey, and witness its powerful effects on your family’s connections. Remember, it’s never too late to start repairing and building a healthier, happier bond with your child.
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