Your child points at a boy in a wheelchair in the lift lobby and asks, loudly, what’s wrong with him. Most parents do the same two things: shush the child, and hurry away.
Both are the wrong move, and the boy notices both.
Shushing teaches the wrong lesson. A child who’s silenced for asking learns that disability is shameful and unmentionable, and grows into an adult who looks away.
Answer the question instead, out loud and matter-of-factly. “He uses a wheelchair to get around, the way you use your legs.” Then carry on. That’s the whole thing.
Curiosity isn’t rudeness. Children ask about everything. It becomes rudeness only when adults add embarrassment to it.
Answering the questions
- Answer briefly and factually. Young children want a one-sentence answer, not a lesson. “Her legs work differently.” “He hears with a hearing aid.” “She finds talking hard, so she uses a picture board.”
- Don’t whisper. Whispering is the part that tells your child this is shameful, and it’s what the other family hears.
- “Wrong” is the word to change. Not “what’s wrong with him” but “why does he use that”. Same curiosity, no verdict.
- Say you don’t know when you don’t. “I’m not sure, everyone’s body works a bit differently” is a complete answer.
- Don’t offer pity. “Poor thing” is heard, and it isn’t kindness. Disabled children overwhelmingly report wanting to be treated as children, not as sad stories.
- Emphasise the ordinary. What they’ve in common, like school, games and favourite food, counts for more than the difference.
- Follow up later. If the moment was awkward, revisit it at home instead of leaving it as a thing that went strange.
Teaching your child how to be around a disabled peer
- Talk to them, not to their adult. Adults do this constantly, asking the parent or helper a question the child could answer themselves. Children copy it.
- Ask before helping. “Do you want a hand?” and accept no. Unasked-for help removes independence, which is the thing you most want to protect.
- Don’t touch equipment. A wheelchair, a walking frame, a cane, a hearing aid: these are part of someone’s body, not toys to be pushed or examined.
- Include, without making it a project. Adapt the game so everyone can play, without an announcement.
- Don’t stare, and don’t conspicuously not-look. The second is more uncomfortable than the first.
- Explain that some things aren’t visible. Autism, ADHD, hearing loss, chronic illness. A child who seems to be behaving oddly may be managing something you can’t see.
Words
| Instead of | Say |
|---|---|
| Wheelchair-bound, confined to a wheelchair | Uses a wheelchair. It’s mobility, not confinement |
| Suffers from, afflicted with | Has |
| Normal children | Children without disabilities, or typically developing |
| Handicapped, retarded, spastic | Disabled; or the specific condition |
| Special needs, when you mean a person | Increasingly, disabled people prefer “disabled”. Usage varies. If you know the family, follow their lead |
| Inspiring, brave (for ordinary activities) | Nothing. Going to school isn’t brave |
Nobody gets all of this right, and worrying about the perfect word is a common reason people avoid the conversation altogether. Being slightly clumsy while engaging is much better than being smooth while avoiding.
If your own child has a disability
A few things other parents in the same position tend to say they wish they had known sooner.
- Early intervention matters, and waiting lists are real. Ask your paediatrician or polyclinic about referral to an early intervention programme as soon as you have a concern. Don’t wait to see whether they grow out of it. Assessment costs nothing if the answer is reassuring.
- SG Enable is the starting point for services, schemes and support in Singapore, and its Enabling Guide is the most helpful single resource for working out what exists and what you qualify for.
- Mainstream schools have Allied Educators providing learning and behavioural support, and there are also special education schools. Both routes are legitimate and the right answer depends on the child.
- Condition-specific organisations, such as the Dyslexia Association of Singapore, are often the fastest route to practical, specific advice.
- Talk to your child about their own disability, using the real name of it, early. Children who are given the words understand themselves better and are better able to explain themselves to others. A child who senses that it’s unmentionable at home concludes it’s shameful.
- Prepare them for the questions. Rehearsing a short, comfortable answer they can give other children removes most of the sting.
- Watch the siblings. They often take on adult responsibility and ask for nothing. Make time that’s specifically theirs.
- Find other parents. Practical knowledge about schemes, schools and waiting lists moves between parents faster than through any official channel.
Frequently asked questions
What should I say when my child asks about someone’s disability?
Answer briefly, factually, and out loud: “he uses a wheelchair to get around, the way you use your legs.” Then carry on. Don’t shush them and don’t whisper. Silencing a child teaches that disability is shameful, and the family standing nearby hears the shushing too.
Is it rude for a child to ask about a disability?
No. Curiosity is normal and children ask about everything. It becomes rude only when adults add embarrassment to it. Changing “what’s wrong with him” to “why does he use that” keeps the curiosity and drops the verdict.
How do I teach my child to interact with a disabled classmate?
Talk to the child, not to their adult. Ask before helping and accept no, because unasked-for help removes independence. Never touch someone’s wheelchair, walking frame, cane or hearing aid. These are part of a person’s body, not equipment to play with. Include them without making it an announcement.
What words should I avoid?
“Wheelchair-bound” (they use a wheelchair, it’s mobility, not confinement), “suffers from” (has), “normal children” (children without disabilities), and calling ordinary activities brave or inspiring. Usage varies between families, so follow the lead of the people you know. Being slightly clumsy while engaging beats being smooth while avoiding.
Where do I start if my child has a disability in Singapore?
Ask your paediatrician or polyclinic about early intervention as soon as you have a concern, not after waiting to see if they grow out of it. SG Enable and its Enabling Guide are the main starting point for schemes and services. Mainstream schools have Allied Educators for learning and behavioural support, and special education schools are the other route. Condition-specific organisations are often fastest for practical advice.
Should I tell my child about their own diagnosis?
Yes, early, using the real name of it. Children given the words understand themselves better and can explain themselves to others, and rehearsing a short comfortable answer for other children removes most of the sting. A child who senses it’s unmentionable at home concludes that it’s shameful.
What to remember
When your child asks, answer: briefly, factually, out loud. The shushing is what does the damage.
Teach them to speak to the person rather than the adult beside them, to ask before helping, and never to touch someone’s equipment.
And drop the pity. Disabled children have been consistent about this for as long as anyone has asked them: they want to be treated as children, not as sad stories.
Read next
- Developmental red flags: what to watch for
- Speech delay: when to wait and when to act
- How to be the parent your child tells things to