"My husband wants oral sex just a week after my miscarriage..."

A miscarriage has to be one of the harshest blows that can hit an expecting mum. From an absolute high of knowing you are growing a life inside you, to the ultimate grief knowing that life is no more — miscarriage takes its toll on a woman at many levels. Her body is affected and so are her mind and emotions. And she needs time to heal. Without a doubt, the last thing you want to deal with is an insensitive husband after miscarriage.

After losing her unborn baby, one mum just did not feel ready to be intimate with her partner. But her horny and insensitive husband just could not seem to understand, or wait, and pressurised her to have oral sex. 

The mum-of-one took to a popular online forum in the UK to get her fellow mums’ opinion. 

It had been just a week since her miscarriage, and this mum understandably had lost her sex drive and did not “feel sexy at all”. Besides, this reportedly wasn’t the first time she miscarried.

But her spouse who cannot seem to understand her grief, “keeps asking for a bj” which she is just not ready for. She even wrote: “Am I being unreasonable to not want sex?”

No doubt, this mum’s situation garnered a lot of attention from fellow mums on the platform — they were shocked and outraged, and showed plenty of empathy. 

A mum wrote:

“Wow so you are bereaved and he is pushing for sex? Tell him to f*** off.”

Another mum chimed in:

Sorry for your loss. I am quite appalled that your partner is pressurising you like this at all, but especially a week after your miscarriage. It is at best insensitive and at worst abusive.”

A third added that her spouse is clearly displaying zero empathy towards the mum’s situation. She states that “any reasonable person” would understand that it is “an extremely difficult time”.

“That is not someone you want to have a relationship with – he will never be there for you when you need him most.”

It didn’t stop other mums from expressing their annoyance towards the man’s actions. 

“He sounds like a k**b” and said he was acting “so so grim and inappropriate”.

“I think he was pretty thoughtless to ask so soon, and should have taken no for an answer straight away not made ‘a joke’ about it – what could possibly be funny so soon after such a sad loss anyway???

“I’d be questioning whether he really understands how you feel about your loss.”

Insensitive Husband After Miscarriage: A lack of support during this sensitive time can seriously affect a relationship.

A mum stepped in and tried to offer a different perspective to the mum’s insensitive husband after miscarriage. She reasoned:

“If he’s normally wonderful he’s probably just being insensitive, but explain how you feel and say you need to be the one to initiate when the time feels right for you.”

But mums, there could be reasons as to why your spouse appear as though they are being “insensitive”. 

Your spouse may not react to the miscarriage similarly as males tend to have less of an emotional attachment to the pregnancy in the early months.

“Sometimes couples will experience conflict after a miscarriage or after a loss because husbands don’t grieve in the same way,” according to Dr. Lori A. Carrillo, an expert and Obstetrics and Gynecology doctor, as told to EmpowHER.      

It could be as much as you feel grief-stricken by the miscarriage, your spouse does too, just in a different way.

They may even seem less involved and somewhat detached but it could be a “safety mechanism” in fear that something could happen and that they “have to stay strong for their wife”.

When it comes to your sex life after your miscarriage, you may not feel “physically ready”, seeing it as “a frightening reminder of the loss” or view a desire for sex as “wrong or unfeeling”. But on the flipside, your spouse “may find lovemaking a source of comfort and closeness” in attempts to cope with the loss.

Men, as you know, generally “want to mend things”, just that it takes a lot more when it involves a child. And they grieve silently with more activity.

Time and patience is the essence. The key here is to talk to each other and acknowledge that both of you have different ways of expressing and dealing with feelings. 

Insensitive Husband After Miscarriage: Your partner’s emotional responses and needs may be different from your own

• Don’t take everything upon yourself. Share whatever concerns you have with your partner, no matter how small it is. Never think that you are being a burden.
• Select someone to reveal the news for you 
• Speak about the loss only when you’re ready
• Take lots of rest, you deserve it
• Ask for what you need in order to heal, even if it’s just a listening ear
• Engage in other activities, whether it’s being part of doing charity work or even revisit a favourite hobby

• Acknowledge her loss (it’s important to come from a genuine place).
• Listen and allow her to grieve. Give her the necessary space to do this but let her know you are there for her too.
• Express and share your own feelings about losing the baby — it is all part of the healing process. The more open you are with your partner, the better. It works both ways.
• Encourage her to reach out to fellow women who’ve had miscarriage experiences. There could be a support system that allows her to feel more understood. 
• Offer practical support (little gifts and small gestures like picking up her favourite sweet treat can help)
• Remain non-judgmental when it comes to her moods
• Listen to your partner and be actively present in her life even if she is not being herself
• Make her feel loved and secure during this time

• Do not change the subject if she would like to discuss the miscarriage
• Don’t pressure her into doing anything she is uncomfortable with. Look for the signs. If you can’t figure it out, probe gently, but never force her into anything
• Avoid blaming and unsolicited advice (and avoid cliche comments)
• Recognise that there’s no time limit for grief. Don’t rush her to get over it. 

Mums, if you’ve been trying to conceive for a long time especially, the blow from losing your child can be very intense and all-encompassing. Having your spouse’s support and understanding to tide the both of you through this period is crucial. You need time and space to adjust. 

Especially when you’re dealing with an insensitive husband after miscarriage, whether or not it’s what it is, know that speaking out is OK.

References: Psychology Today, RESOLVE,  Medical Xpress

Also READ: 

Dealing with anxiety and struggles that comes after a miscarriage

“I didn’t know I was pregnant until I had a miscarriage”