Your husband and you may have agreed on many things before getting married. Your house, tastes, habits and maybe even the choice of having kids in the future. You decided on everything that matters before wearing the ring. But it’s been a couple of years and you want to shake things up a bit – with a baby!
Some would say wanting to have a baby is a natural progression to a relationship. But what happens when the wife is interested and the husband doesn’t want a baby?
This turned out to be the concern of a Mumsnet user who wants to have kids but her husband isn’t ready yet.
I Want One But My Husband Doesn’t Want A Baby
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The woman revealed that they both didn’t want to have kids before getting married but she’s changed over the years and now wants to have one. Her husband doesn’t want a baby, still. He’s concerned about losing his wife in the process and does not want to change what they have in the relationship.
“My husband and I have spoken about this numerous of times. I have expressed my feelings to him and he has shut me down each and every time. Saying he feels he will never want a baby, and fully knows that he might loose me because of it,” she writes.
She adds that she is turning 30 and is concerned that any further delay would be too late. She believes that the husband would make a great dad even if he doesn’t see it yet.
“I can’t blame him for this because he married me knowing I didn’t want children, but at the same time I feel if he really loved me then he would accept the fact that we can change our minds. He would be an amazing dad but he just doesn’t see it,” she adds.
Sadly, she says she is also considering separating from her husband since they both now want different things in life.
Having kids is a huge responsibility and does mean sacrificing a lot – personally, financially, and emotionally. More than that, it is the fear and self-doubt for most parents that really create the barriers. “Would I be a good father/mother?” “Will I be able to handle the child as he/she grows up?” It’s okay to doubt yourself.
But if it’s a stern no from your partner, then the problem could be more complicated. Just as is in this case.
Understanding The Husband’s Perspective
Experts suggest that voicing concerns with your husband would be the first step to understanding his perspective on having a baby. While he may have said “No” on multiple occasions, you need to understand the why behind this.
Talking through things is usually the most effective way to identify a problem. These can’t be serious conversations that end up in arguments. But rather casual conversations about serious topics. Sometimes, your partner may need to speak to somebody less judgmental about his decision.
If the love is mutual in a relationship, he is feeling equally bad for his stance on the matter. And this may not allow him to open up freely with you about the underlying issue.
Instead, involving a therapist, counsellor or a mutual friend could yield better results. They will also be able to offer valuable advice to both of you.
Taking Responsibility For Your Actions
Couples need to understand that there are consequences for their actions. This applies whether you want or don’t want to have a baby.
Are you willing to break a relationship if your husband doesn’t want a baby? Is not having a child so important to you that you would rather let go of your spouse? These questions may seem judgmental but you need to ask yourself these before arriving at a conclusion.
This, of course, does not mean that you give in completely. You will have to negotiate with your partner to come to a common ground. In a situation as complicated as this, the negotiations are far more complicated than they seem.
Once you’ve had enough conversations to work through the ambivalence, you would know what’s the right decision for you and the relationship.
Finding The Middle Ground When The Husband Doesn’t Want A Baby
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Understanding underlying issues
The fear or resistance to having children could be due to issues that have not been addressed in the past. It could be due to fear of responsibility or pre-existing childhood issues.
Do you know about the relationship between your husband and his parents? A rough childhood could make things averse for your partner when it comes to having his own children.
Looking for ways to save the relationship
Sometimes a partner may think that a child will help solidify a relationship that’s currently on shaky terrain. Partners not sharing the best relationships may not find a common ground to save the marriage.
Instead, they hope the baby will bring a level of intimacy that’s currently lacking.
Is there a medical reason?
Your partner or you may have pre-existing conditions that would make it difficult to have kids in the future. If that’s the reason you want to have a child now even though it’s not part of the plan, be vocal about it.
Speak to your doctor about having kids in the future and how it can be achieved if you can’t go ahead with it now.
Assess your relationship
Apart from fertility issues and finances, it’s necessary that you ascertain if the relationship is in a good place. A couple comfortable in each other’s company can work together as a team to raise a baby.
That’s what a relationship is about – a 50:50 partnership.
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If the decision to have a child overpowers your relationship, maybe it’s time you look at stepping out of it. But that’s a decision you will have to jointly take.
Consider delayed parenthood
As much as you can try agreeing with either partner’s perspective, you don’t want a void in your life. There are some things not worth sacrificing for. You need to decide which one is it – the baby or the relationship. If those are turning out to be separate things, you know what to do.
However, if your partner is worth the effort. You can look at delaying parenthood for him to be emotionally and mentally ready about it. This won’t be easy, mind you. Especially if he’s made up his mind. It would be reasonable to set a timeline on when the final decision needs to be taken. Maybe wait for a year or two?
Experts point out that sometimes the most resistant spouses often turn out to be the most loving parents. At the end of the day, you don’t want to lose something precious for a decision you will regret later. At the same time, you don’t want to resent your child because he/she wasn’t exactly a part of your life’s plan.
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