Being An Only Child: What The Research Says

What's it like to be an only child in the family? Some “only’s”, who are now adults, talk about growing up with no siblings.

The stereotype of the spoilt, lonely, socially awkward only child is unusually well established and unusually poorly supported.

It comes from a study published in the 1890s which concluded that being an only child was “a disease in itself”. The methodology was, by any modern standard, not good.

What the research since has consistently found: only children score similarly to children with siblings on sociability, adjustment and social skills, and tend to score slightly higher on achievement and vocabulary, most likely because of undivided adult attention and resources.

The stereotype has outlived its evidence by more than a century.

What’s different

Not deficits, but real features to plan around.

No built-in playmate. Sibling conflict is unpleasant and it’s also daily practice at negotiating, sharing and repairing. Only children get that practice elsewhere, which means it has to be arranged.
All the attention, in both directions. Undivided support is the advantage; undivided scrutiny and expectation is the cost. There’s nowhere to be the average one.
More adult company. Only children are often articulate and comfortable with adults early. The flip side is a child who can find their own age group harder work.
The long-term one: caring for ageing parents alone. Rarely discussed and significant, particularly here. It isn’t a childhood problem, but it’s something for the parents to think about in advance, not something to leave entirely to the child.

What helps

Prioritise friendships actively. Regular playdates with the same one or two children matter more than a large circle. Those repeated relationships are where the sibling-equivalent practice happens.
Cousins and family friends. Sleepovers with the same children build something close to a sibling bond.
Let them lose. Games without letting them win, and arguments they don’t automatically get their way in. Only children can miss out on losing practice.
Resist the mini-adult. Being included in adult conversation is a strength; becoming a small confidant isn’t, and the line is easy to cross with an articulate child.
Don’t concentrate every expectation on them. All the hopes of two parents landing on one child is real pressure, and it helps to check yourself for it.
Let them be bored and alone. Only children are often good at this, and it’s a real advantage. Don’t fill every hour out of guilt.
Don’t over-apologise for it. A child told repeatedly that it’s a shame they have no siblings learns to think of themselves as missing something.

If it wasn’t a choice

Many one-child families in Singapore are one-child by circumstance: secondary infertility, age, cost, housing, a difficult first pregnancy, or a relationship that ended.

Two things to say. The questions are relentless and you owe nobody an answer: “we’re happy as we are” is complete, and you’re entitled to give it to relatives at every gathering without elaborating. And your child doesn’t need to carry your grief about it. If there’s sadness about the family you expected, that belongs with other adults, not with them.

Frequently asked questions

Are only children spoiled or socially awkward?

The evidence doesn’t support it. The stereotype originates in an 1890s study whose methodology was poor by any modern standard. Research since has consistently found only children score similarly on sociability and adjustment, and slightly higher on achievement and vocabulary.

What do only children miss out on?

Daily practice at negotiating, sharing and repairing conflict, which siblings provide by default. It has to be arranged instead. Regular time with the same one or two friends does most of the job.

How do I help my only child socially?

Prioritise repeated relationships over a wide circle: the same one or two friends regularly, plus cousins and family friends, with sleepovers where possible. Let them lose games and lose arguments, since that practice is otherwise thin.

What should I avoid?

Treating them as a mini-adult or confidant, easy to slip into with an articulate child. Concentrating all your expectations on one child. Filling every hour out of guilt. And apologising for their situation, which teaches them to see themselves as missing something.

What do I say when people ask why we only have one?

“We’re happy as we are.” That’s a complete answer and you owe nobody more, however often it’s asked.

Is there anything to plan for long term?

Caring for ageing parents alone, which is rarely discussed and significant. It isn’t a childhood problem, but it’s something for the parents to think about and plan for, not to leave entirely to the child later.

What to remember

The stereotype is a hundred-year-old study with bad methods. Only children do fine.

What they need arranging is the thing siblings supply by accident: repeated, close, argument-including friendship. Same children, regularly.

Let them lose. Don’t make them a small adult. And don’t tell them it’s a shame.